Once described on school report as facetious. Took me years to realise that didn't mean shit.

I'm a self-employed tour guide. I travel the world and listen to people complain about how it's impossible to buy the Daily Mail in Cuba or get a decent boiled egg in Boston and their entire holiday is ruined because the curtains don't match the duvet cover.

Some of the godforsaken crapholes I work in have very little internet access.

This is my excuse for the fact that my weekly scores will go up and down like a bulimic's breakfast.