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The doctor thinks my daughter needs a replacement head.

03/02/23 8:01:30

It'll all end in tear gas.

28/11/22 20:10:03

Dropping off time at boarding school.

17/11/22 20:04:27

Goes well with a dinner jacket.

31/10/22 20:00:14

"To be honest, I could murder a full English"

11/10/22 7:00:12

I think Mummy will shortly be wringing somebody's neck.

23/09/22 11:52:00

"I say, put me down immediately!"

"Ok, no need to bite my head off."

10/09/22 19:14:42

"Tony, I told you to watch her like a Hawk."

09/09/22 19:07:30, edited: 09/09/22 19:24:01

"Yer Dad's promised me a dirty weekend in Bath"

01/09/22 20:18:44

"I should go to the gym but I'm a bit pressed for time."

17/07/22 11:28:23

The Welsh police thought someone was having ARAF.

08/07/22 7:45:12

Billy the Kit

03/06/22 19:00:07

Lots of people like a bit of pussy on the side.

01/06/22 11:02:07

"Oh no, I think I'm getting a coleslaw."

27/05/22 7:15:57

In a former life, Quim was an Essex girl dancing round her handbag with a worn out box.

12/05/22 19:06:31

🎵 Someday My Prince Will Come 🎵

Looks like he did several times.

02/05/22 19:01:16

"What big testicles you have, Grandma!"

15/04/22 19:05:57

Isaac Newton's Saturday job was projectionist at Ye Olde Odeon.

09/04/22 19:09:38

creative

Rishi Sunak changes his profile picture.

09/04/22 7:02:15

ETon phone home

15/03/22 8:02:31

"It's a massive sink hole!"

11/03/22 20:16:04

It's at the end of the ring road.

25/01/22 20:07:37

"Hi Honey, I'm home!"

11/01/22 8:00:07

When photos emerged of his infidelity, Dave didn't have a leg to stand on.

01/01/22 8:27:11

"Don't tell anyone but I'm going Commando"

18/12/21 12:25:05

"Wow, that's interesting. Wash at 30 degrees and don't tumble dry"

17/12/21 8:07:46

Janice had an addiction for shagging dirty miners, but she'd been clean now for at least a month.

15/12/21 12:36:52

"Not again! Have you just Ouija pants?"

18/11/21 20:10:20

Out for their mourning walk.

21/10/21 19:00:14

Competition was fierce to deepthroat the Invisible Man

19/10/21 19:01:41

"Wish I'd stolen a car with petrol in it!"

28/09/21 19:02:46

We can't hack it any more.

25/09/21 11:04:19

"I want to be President, just like Garfield was.."

24/09/21 19:00:15

Looks like he's scored.

18/09/21 19:12:45

"So you think you can get away without paying, wise guy?"

14/09/21 7:08:29

"I nearly jumped out of my skin!" said the sausage.

29/08/21 19:30:59

clever

Alcohol dependant

12/08/21 19:03:07

Watch out - they want to conker the world.

09/07/21 7:06:52

One of Stella McCartney's first designs. How they scoffed.

04/07/21 19:34:15

Anon was horrified at the spelling mistake on his car.

22/06/21 7:00:15

Spayed in Chelsea

19/06/21 19:05:14

🎵 Here comes the bride
(It's a cobbled road)

15/06/21 19:11:01

"I'm a page 3 girl."

"I'm more 4, 5 & 6."

08/06/21 7:08:59

Ten seconds later, Gulliver removes him with a giant tumbler and a piece of cardboard.

04/06/21 19:18:19

Charles allegedly gets Victoria Cross.

27/05/21 19:07:45

"May I inspect your privates?"

27/05/21 19:02:00

A common sight at Featherspoons.

19/05/21 7:15:30

"I guess that's why the postman only rang once."

14/05/21 11:52:03

This programme was brought to you today with a Sesame Street value of $1,000,000.

11/05/21 11:00:30

"Oh thank God I won't grow up to be as ugly as you pair!"

19/04/21 19:31:35

"Come in - no need to be koi!"

17/04/21 11:10:38

The Magnificent Seven-footer

12/04/21 19:09:34

Imelda Marcos is a bit of a hermit these days.

17/03/21 20:01:00

"You asked to see me tackle.."

17/03/21 8:04:40

The Lord is my German Shepherd

13/03/21 8:00:26

Cereal killer doing porridge.

05/03/21 8:04:52

It's important to put your affairs in order.

26/02/21 8:15:17

"It was the worst case of athlete's foot I'd ever seen."

19/02/21 9:02:05

An early photo of J R Hartley

18/02/21 8:06:28

Never trust a man who gives you a bunch of invisible flowers.

11/02/21 20:09:12

Has no-one explained that the Tour de France winner always does the dishes?

09/02/21 20:01:19

Medical students celebrate Rag Week

08/02/21 8:22:10

Pub crawl

23/01/21 12:00:07

"I know you wanted bigger boobs but they've run out of plaster."

20/01/21 20:06:50

Peeping Tom

18/01/21 20:00:07

This week the world's unluckiest man wins holiday to Spain.

12/01/21 20:01:32

His bark's worse than his byte.

13/11/20 20:09:16

Some people are so dramatic when flicking bogies.

11/11/20 20:03:41

"I think he's teething. He's been grizzly all morning."

30/10/20 8:22:46

🎵 I just dyed in your arms tonight 🎵

27/10/20 20:00:50

Stiff competition

23/10/20 7:00:20

The little house decided not to jump and to build it's life up again, but that's another storey.

13/10/20 11:09:20

Kindergarten teachers struggle to control their pupils.

30/09/20 19:09:11

"Don't be embarrassed. I mean you are a soft toy after all."

28/09/20 7:00:34

The Showaddywaddy must go on

22/09/20 7:18:11

He could have had a face lift for a few dollars more.

16/09/20 19:13:38

"Surely you could spare one of those five loaves?"

14/09/20 11:01:01

Ben Dover introduces his wife, Eileen.

12/09/20 7:03:54

She could show a little more gratitude. Dave took his girlfriend out for a bite every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday throughout August during every single pandemic.

09/09/20 7:14:27

Pride and Joy

20/08/20 7:00:34

ChinWAGs

19/08/20 19:04:34

"I've got an excited monkey in my gondola."

15/08/20 11:00:10

"I suppose you need my clothes, my boots and my motorcycle?"

04/08/20 19:00:40

🎵 Murder On the Dancefloor 🎵

I'm guessing it was Miss Scarlet.

01/08/20 19:39:57

They were due to honeymoon in Spain so now there's another two Jumbos stranded at the airport.

27/07/20 7:51:47

Shoppers prepare for the new mask wearing rules and having a £1 coin handy.

17/07/20 19:20:23

"I preferred Lime Regis."

09/07/20 7:38:55

"I'm just preparing the finger buffet."

29/06/20 19:11:50

"Donor kebabs anyone?"

29/06/20 19:00:48

"Smoking's a fowl habit"

19/06/20 19:00:07

Guide Dog for the Blinds

17/06/20 11:10:05

Court in the crossfire.

10/06/20 8:01:45

"We've been laid off."

07/06/20 7:02:09

Stan and Brolly

05/06/20 19:05:48

"Now that Primark's back open, I was able to spend my £20 gift voucher."

01/06/20 11:38:07

"Sorry folks, all flights are still grounded."

22/05/20 12:17:16

"Watch it! That's macaque hole."

19/05/20 7:01:13

Mum always lets me lick the bowl.

15/05/20 19:29:27

"All because some daft f*cker ate a bat" said Ozzy.

21/04/20 20:20:40

"Escargot away!"

20/04/20 11:07:52