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"My glass is half empty."

"You're such a moaner, Lisa."

16/09/22 19:09:02

Wimbledon't

06/09/22 19:00:19

What happens when Homer's Alone

03/09/22 11:00:13

"Basil!?"

30/08/22 11:12:00

Snappy dresser

28/08/22 19:19:46

An award for Billie Jean King Tut

28/08/22 11:04:41

"Anyone for a Stephen Fry up?"

09/08/22 19:32:03

I swear I can still smell that Fanny Cradock.

09/08/22 19:27:08

Dim sum people.

30/07/22 19:02:06

🎵 Song for Guy Fawkes 🎵

25/07/22 11:01:37

He signed up for quite a long stretch.

19/07/22 19:06:21

Dave never could find the right hole.

16/07/22 11:00:09

clever

Simon Templar always enjoyed Sports Day

12/07/22 19:12:44

"A cabernet reshuffle? That's so humerus."

12/07/22 7:04:04

🎵 Smoke gets in your eyes 🎵

09/07/22 7:03:54

Unfortunately the Will Smith balloon veered off and hit a Rock.

04/07/22 19:11:21

"I must have over-estimated the size of my feet."

"Hmm, like the time you bought those XL condoms?"

01/07/22 19:07:04

She's a sexy bitch

30/06/22 20:46:25

The rest of the police vehicles are hemmed in.

29/06/22 7:43:46

When life gives you potatoes, make gin

26/06/22 19:09:09

In hot weather, please ensure you leave plenty of Windows open for your pets.

22/06/22 11:01:13

clever

He usually prefers a napsack.

19/06/22 19:02:57

"Well prices have certainly risen!"

18/06/22 11:08:33

It can be a big job having your appendix out.

17/06/22 19:34:19

Sorry, but can you turn the volume down?

17/06/22 19:11:01

It was a case of kitchen sink or swim.

08/06/22 7:00:26

Sum Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

04/06/22 7:39:49

It's never too early to go for a straightjacket fitting.

04/06/22 7:07:20

Just what is the Council trying to prove?

29/05/22 19:27:07

Not another Kardashian wedding?!

26/05/22 19:26:13

Furry animals are advised not to loiter in lavatories during times of toilet paper shortages.

25/05/22 19:49:13

"Fancy a look at my chopper?"

24/05/22 19:01:11

"I think he's done a pupa"

24/05/22 7:19:50

"What's that awful smell..?"

"Well you said we're not out of the woods yet."

20/05/22 7:01:27

Plastic surgery really can be a load of bollocks.

18/05/22 7:39:39

The Steradent in the cocktail is a nice touch.

13/05/22 11:23:41

Hans Holbein to Henry VIII: "Your Majesty, I present to you a beautiful bird who will keep you up all night."

11/05/22 19:05:25

George at Asda

10/05/22 19:01:13

I bet he's got a cheesy wotsit.

07/05/22 19:20:24

They'll have to wok home.

06/05/22 19:07:25

Doctors advise against Skippying meals.

05/05/22 7:34:39

Make America Grate Again

05/05/22 7:25:56

It's the groom who's punching.

04/05/22 19:32:30

"You're such a stud"

30/04/22 19:12:51

Marriage? That explains the long faces.

30/04/22 19:00:51

My date with Ichabod seemed like the longest day.

30/04/22 7:50:49

Street theatre

29/04/22 19:50:48

Lingerie shopping with your girlfriend can be pants.

29/04/22 12:57:35

New built-in pouffe - only £9.99!

"I never go anywhere without mine" - Elton John

28/04/22 19:10:00

"I'm sorry, but this is not up to scratch"

22/04/22 12:00:52

Always check your lady garden for invasive weeds.

22/04/22 7:09:48

All prophets go to charity.

21/04/22 19:01:20

We all get alarmed when he's got his finger on the Trigger.

20/04/22 19:00:29

Warwick Davis jumps overboard as blind crossbow champ takes aim.

19/04/22 19:27:35

creative

"Doctor, I've got a bit of an irrigation down below"

18/04/22 7:00:28

♪ You got the cutest little Baby Face ♪

17/04/22 11:12:36

"Now where did I put that sponge on a stick? I have an increasing desire to crap for the NHS"

09/04/22 19:18:37

Ex-P&O employee Bryan decided to change his surname to Ferry, but I'm not sure it'll ever catch on.

28/03/22 19:23:09

"Simbarella, you shall go to the ball!"

19/03/22 20:38:01

She's suffering from masstightis

16/03/22 20:17:29

"My cups runneth over"

15/03/22 20:44:19

"Sod the guided tour - nearest watering hole please!"

14/03/22 20:19:21

"Where's your coat?"

"In the washing machine. I got Inca on it."

13/03/22 20:15:16

It's been SHORN.

09/03/22 12:07:08

Mr Chovy and his lovely wife Ann.

08/03/22 8:09:15

So embarrassing when you trip over thin air and find that not one but three people saw.

04/03/22 20:29:16

Pier pressure.

26/02/22 8:30:24

Snake prostitution is rife as we witness yet another serpent on the game.

12/02/22 12:18:12

He always bites the Postman's ring twice

08/02/22 20:13:28

"Waitress - I'm curious about this 'Toad in the hole' offer?"

04/02/22 8:07:07

Call me a creature of habit, but I just love a Pooh each morning.

02/02/22 8:06:45

Carbon dating

28/01/22 20:15:12

The Van Gogh tribute act in the audience had tried to superglue his ear back on.

27/01/22 20:04:22

"I'm just casing the joint."

27/01/22 12:11:40

Busby Babes

26/01/22 8:00:09

♪ For sneeze a jolly good fellow

24/01/22 20:06:28

"Dave, did I mention I've got the painters in?"

20/01/22 20:02:13

Man over board!

19/01/22 12:17:43

When Paul McCartney left Wings.

18/01/22 8:15:18

Avid train spotter Dave was left feeling a little disappointed.

14/01/22 20:20:50

Twelfth Night marks the coming of the Maggie.

11/01/22 20:03:08

Too many swallows

09/01/22 20:09:55

"One day we hope she'll give up, but that's just a pipe dream."

09/01/22 13:51:18

In Tudor times children were often stretched on the rack for minor things such as singing Greensleeves out of tune. Dave Tudor is pictured here with a young Anne Boleyn who had an extra Cadburys finger.

08/01/22 20:44:40

"Hmmmm, I'm gonna lick you and cover you in sauce"

Bill's wife was glad to have a day off.

07/01/22 8:19:04

"My darling, I've grown quite attached to you"

04/01/22 20:14:47

Even elephants get slippers as Christmas presents.

03/01/22 20:09:28

Maybe that's why the presents are all labelled 'From Russia With Love'

30/12/21 21:01:41

In January he's often Left out in the cold.

30/12/21 20:16:11

Insurers say he's got a 100 pound excess.

26/12/21 20:03:48

"Are you sure you need a jar that size for your wiener?"

26/12/21 12:04:39

Spice rack

25/12/21 8:00:46

Turd world problems.

17/12/21 12:00:57

"Wait! When I asked how many you'd pulled off today, I meant beers!"

17/12/21 8:06:01

Mouse trap

11/12/21 8:14:38

Cow & Gate

10/12/21 8:00:09

I do wish Gulliver would dispose of his pubic hair in a proper manner.

03/12/21 8:06:20

Boris confirms that flights to Australia will soon be out of bounds.

28/11/21 8:09:44

"Sorry Mum, got legless last night.."

27/11/21 12:05:03

Love conkers all

24/11/21 12:00:46