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	When the sea swallows you up you might as well be wearing your best hat 16/01/20 20:21:23	4

	His was a mysterious death which has never been unravelled 11/01/20 9:04:04	4

	"It's Friday night. We're painting the town red." 10/01/20 20:39:59	4

	"To start I'd like the Newspaper Roll. For my main course I'll have the Steamy Slippers and for dessert I fancy the Postman's Fingers." 08/01/20 20:18:58	4

	Yep, it's Maybelline. 20/12/19 10:08:02	4

	She certainly knows how to handle herself 18/12/19 8:27:11	4

	Copper bottomed? 04/12/19 8:09:19	4

	Without Rachel Riley and Susie Dent the Countdown Roadshow just wasn't quite the same 27/11/19 20:19:17	4

	'I think it's those ruddy captioneers again. They don't give us felines a moment's peace.' 15/11/19 20:33:57	4

	-"Looks like you, Dave." -"Thanks, I am a bit of a style icon, aren't I?" -"I meant the monkey." 08/11/19 16:14:20	4

	Get meowt! 06/11/19 14:41:14	4

	The garden centre display was later wrecked when in came Miley Cyrus 02/11/19 9:05:42	4

	"It's a skeleton's job to be supportive." 30/10/19 21:13:23	4

	Bidet of Barbed Wire 21/10/19 19:17:04	4

	"I was told to 'grow a pair'." 08/10/19 13:24:14	4

	If that doesn't cure my constipation, then I'll die trying 03/10/19 19:31:50	4

	Blackheads on your bum can be a nuisance 20/09/19 19:49:27	4

	🎵 Fly me to the poo 🎵 by Rank Sinatra 29/08/19 19:13:38	4

	🎵Big-bottomed girl she made the rocking horse go down🎵 23/08/19 19:29:17	4

	Shall I purr you one? 22/08/19 7:01:51	4

	Unexpected bag in the loading area 05/08/19 9:47:09	4

	'All coat and no fur knickers,' sniffed Rocky. 07/07/19 7:18:52	4

	"...and here's one I slayed earlier." 02/07/19 12:56:15	4

	'Uno! What happened then? I Twister this thing and oh, it makes my eyes Boggle. I haven't got a Cluedo what it is. Humans think they have the Monopoly on Trivial Pursuits but I'm fed up with this game so I'm going round to the Sims to play The Chase game and Cat-chFraser and I might also perform a little Operation in Mrs Sims favourite flowerbed.' 07/06/19 9:37:15	4

	I like to treat my vegetables to a spa day 30/05/19 19:40:02	4

	Shih tzus? 29/04/19 19:00:35	4

	"Hmm, you're made of tough stuff so you'll live a long life, you're not going to travel much and unfortunately you will be unlucky in love, birds will dump on you." 27/04/19 10:38:54	4

	"Very nice. Do they have it in any udder colours?" 17/04/19 11:23:28	4

	Eddie? 17/04/19 7:12:04	4

	The skipper's a bit of a rowmantic 14/03/19 14:23:06	4

	Bill loved studying mythological leg ends 24/02/19 10:02:16	4

	"Frank, if you take your clothes off you'll find it much easier to write a caption" 15/02/19 21:45:41	4

	"I'd ask his mum 'Why the nappy on the head?' but I don't want to Fender" 09/02/19 12:20:00	4

	The gushing bride 19/01/19 9:00:30	4

	Purrfume? 30/12/18 20:23:24	4

	Shakin' Stevens was 'ere, 1981 26/11/18 8:03:33	4 4
Some of us can remember Rosemary Clooney's mother. --Dave Bryan
	"Ha! You blinked." 21/11/18 20:08:59	4

	Tray chic 30/10/18 12:45:47	4

	Lodgical thinking 27/10/18 8:01:46	4

	London Underground Rule No 1: AVOID all eye contact with other passengers. 24/10/18 9:34:46	4

	Dave always believed he could overcome any hurdle 23/10/18 7:10:43	4

	The conversation was ribbiting 03/09/18 19:16:34	4

	Pardon...? 03/09/18 11:46:28	4

	"The Dentist says I need a good polish" 03/09/18 8:05:48	4

	"Don't narrow your eyes at me, you know you want to get down and dirty." 08/08/18 20:38:22	4

	"What a fine mop of hair you have... I'd love to take you for a night on the tiles" 08/08/18 19:35:07	4

	Whichever you choose you'll need a napkin 17/06/18 8:55:56	4

	"It's no use getting into a flap, love. Your mother wants her curtains back." 02/06/18 8:00:23	4

	It's much less bovver with a hoover 02/05/18 9:14:56	4

	"Girls, I think it translates as 'Sitting on the railings is forbidden'. Where's Carole... CAROLE?" 27/04/18 14:39:10	4

	lol "ROMEO! ROMEO! What ART thou effing doing?" 09/04/18 11:40:58	4

	"Listen, when you take that ridiculous hat off I'll let you cop a feel, okay?" 08/04/18 13:51:22	4

	"Bob from next door's just rung. He says can you clean the windows next?" 07/04/18 12:55:57	1 4
We once lived opposite a lady who cleaned her windows in the nude. Mr Galore was heartbroken when we moved. ;) --Pussy Galore
	"Wildlife appears to be showing no side effects from radiation," said a Ukrainian ecologist. 29/03/18 8:49:24	4

	... and Marian never left Junior with Robin again. The End 25/03/18 19:24:09	4

	They'd all run out of steam 22/03/18 8:23:57	4

	"The lady in the Post Office was very knowledgeable so I picked her brain." 17/03/18 15:50:32	4

	She'd been told 'there's plenty more fish in the see'. 28/02/18 15:16:27	4

	"...and children, these giant cacti are where cocktail sticks come from." 07/02/18 18:25:20	4

	She hoped, at a stretch, that this ridiculous duotard would disguise the fact that she had too many toes 07/02/18 10:29:07	3 4
A bad case of maximumtoessis --John Glover
	"Oh Donald, that's not what I meant by 'surfing on the web'." 04/02/18 21:24:56	4

	Pete, former Euromillions winner, takes a moment to calculate how long his bag of remaining cash will last 17/01/18 20:44:20	4

	FOR SALE: Caption-writing machine, spares or repair. Complete with large bag. 16/01/18 21:24:33	4

	"Can't hear you... NEXT." 15/01/18 15:39:43	4

	Celine, a chocoholic, wondered who would be foolish enough to leave an enormous chocolate sculpture unattended. With a salivating tongue, she moved casually closer towards the sugary delight and began to lick the couple who quickly became a... TRIIIO! 15/01/18 11:08:36	4

	You can always spot a fan of Daft Punk 11/01/18 20:48:39	4

	No body on the line 04/01/18 12:34:20	4

	At Christmastime, it's amazing what jobs men find to do to escape the mother-in-law 27/12/17 15:06:36	4

	And Joe did post unto Facebook that mother and baby were both in a stable condition 26/12/17 11:13:49	4

	"Wilkens! We run a chain of tattoo and piercing parlours and I asked you to order a navel gun..." 27/11/17 20:44:44	4

	"Euw, for goodness' sake... use your hand when you sneeze." 26/11/17 21:04:55	4

	Buddy two-shoes 25/11/17 20:24:54	4

	"Is stat-ue, Stan? D'you cone here often?" 20/11/17 8:09:35	4

	Gnasher, 2017's Extreme Dental Flossing Champion 17/11/17 8:26:33	4

	One use Andrex your bum 14/11/17 20:24:27	4

	In this modern re-enactment the Prince was rather glad that Cinderella had disappeared 24/10/17 20:08:45	4

	Dressing for dinner 20/10/17 19:12:12	4

	A lovely little song by Arthur Itis 20/10/17 8:42:12	4

	Ivy, local baker and fruitcake, had tried to make her hair into a bun 03/09/17 8:22:18	4

	He's bald, he doesn't need a sham-poo 23/07/17 19:38:09	4

	Elizabeth couldn't help admiring Jack's ARRRRS... er I mean poop deck 22/07/17 14:10:50	4

	"The thing is you ate my parents and I didn't like that." 08/05/17 21:06:28	4

	John Smith had asked to be buried with his family tree 02/05/17 8:03:00	4

	"On balance, I think it's clear that you have eaten more Easter eggs than me, Jimmy" 14/04/17 7:14:29	4

	On the portlyside 05/04/17 21:10:08	1 4
Actually appears to be leaning a tad starbored. --Crunchy Chords
	"You're the Caption Police? No, I haven't been voting much lately, my thumb's been stuck, see? Yes, I'll use my other hand, officer." 04/04/17 20:03:04	4

	"Sorry Sir, but it's Health and Safety. All damp passages must be clearly signed." 29/03/17 14:15:55	4

	Bedded bliss 25/03/17 17:17:37	4

	"Excuse me but I need to open a window, I'm having a bad air day." 18/02/17 21:29:12	4

	Juan and Pedro were looking good. Carrying the fence everywhere with them was proving tricky though. 14/02/17 9:09:30	4

	Fifi's impression of Henry the vacuum cleaner 31/01/17 21:22:59	4

	"I'm not called Bill - I'm Will.eye.am." 29/12/16 17:52:44	4

	He really loves a white knuckle ride! 29/12/16 16:05:17	4

	That man really knows how to make a big impression! 26/12/16 9:48:06	4

	"It's a Strictly Come Prancing 10 from Len! Excellent balance, beautiful arm placement and pointed toes!" 24/12/16 8:29:12	4

	Botticelli's lesser known experimental Chilly Botty period 23/12/16 20:04:44	4

	Boy & Q 15/12/16 8:06:31	4

	The Vicar of The First Church of Cannabis had run out of skins 08/12/16 8:14:52	4

	Narnia in meltdown 05/12/16 8:09:31	4

	'I'm bored. Remember that funny bloke Johnny Morris, thought he spoke fluent penguin? He was good for a laugh.' 04/12/16 8:32:05	4

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