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"Won't you guide my slay tonight?"

23/12/22 20:00:39

It was cute, until they caught a whiff of the cherry-flavoured edible knickers. Days later there were still scratches all over Dave's legs.

22/12/22 20:00:37, edited: 22/12/22 22:03:07

"Okay, so, maybe that spray was _not_ the perfect gift for the emperor who has everything."

08/12/22 20:00:45

Bridge Over the River Why?

25/10/22 19:00:21, edited: 25/10/22 19:00:57

The famous London open-top double-decker bus, first prototype

12/10/22 19:38:01, edited: 12/10/22 20:39:32

"I just feel safer when I'm wearing a mask."

03/10/22 19:00:29

Braid Runner 2049

24/09/22 19:00:44

It's extremely aerodynamic, just slices through the air.

17/09/22 19:02:00

Each wheel is the spitting image of the other.

17/09/22 19:01:07

"Welcome to the Quintuple-Decker Bus! I follow a carefully planned route with no flyovers, no overhead traffic lights, no-"
*cccrunnnch*
"... Welcome to the Quadruple-Decker Bus...."

15/09/22 19:00:40

Until today the Council had been pleased with their blind bricklayer.

04/09/22 12:39:14

Jar Jar Banksy

02/09/22 19:00:32

Defence Method #1: Concrete
(See yesterday's illustration.)

31/08/22 13:33:29

Unlike the girls at my school, Treebeard would let me do whatever I wanted with his leg.

31/08/22 13:18:24, edited: 01/09/22 18:03:59

"I say we dress it up to disguise it as a dog or a cat!"
"That's ridiculous. I'm getting my pneumatic drill...."
"Your solutions are always so boring."

30/08/22 19:16:48

"I've marked my ideas for the pavement location with cones, but we can change them if needed, they're not set in concrete."
"Ermmm..."

30/08/22 19:00:36

It's really very simple:

1. Dig a hole and pull down your knickers.
2. Poo.
3. Realise the poo is now in your knickers.
4. Resolve to never go camping again.

Simple.

29/08/22 19:00:29

Clearly they're short-staffed.

16/08/22 19:00:08

T-rexcalator

15/08/22 19:00:07

Available at Poundland

15/08/22 18:52:21

"Those appetisers look tasty, but I'm really looking forward to the main course, hot dogs," said Kim Jong Un.

11/08/22 19:01:12

"Please, don't go to America! You'll never find love as big as mine from those Yankee twats who call that thing a 'fanny pack'."

08/08/22 19:01:49

Am I being paranoid? I left this book on my floor and when I got home my Roomba had torn it apart.

06/08/22 19:03:00

creative

It's important not to burn your bridges. I'm on such good terms with my ex that she even helped me pick out a new pair of black shoes to wear for my first date, knowing I'm colour blind.

05/08/22 19:01:33

🎵 These boots are made for mockin' 🎵

05/08/22 19:00:24

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is your Uber driver.

04/08/22 19:00:43

"How adorable, with their faces side-by-side, looking at me... Why is my neighbour screaming in terror?"

01/08/22 19:00:15

I heard that the workers there are chianed to their machines.

30/07/22 19:01:43

She's a bit of a bridezilla

27/07/22 19:02:58

"If you say the groom has a reptile dysfunction I will rip your tongue out."

27/07/22 19:00:07

"I canardly move."

26/07/22 19:00:47

🎵 Don't let the sun gull down on me 🎵

21/07/22 19:03:03

"Working in the hot foundry is difficult, but management have given us these new suits to help us asbestos they can."

20/07/22 19:03:39

"This is actually lovely. I wonder why my mum said, no woman enjoys the Brazilian bikini walks?"

11/07/22 19:00:30

"We've been walking for twenty minutes, are you sure this is the way to the beach?"
"That little boy walking behind us said it would be just at the top of this hill...."

11/07/22 19:00:11

Fish & slips

08/07/22 19:38:29

"And do you enjoy being Batbeard?"
"Not half."

27/06/22 13:43:10

Fake it 'til you bake it

26/06/22 19:37:52

Game, set, and ouch

25/06/22 19:00:29

"I'm all for worker efficiency, but I drew the line when they told me to stick that 'Loo Break Vacuum Hose' down my trousers."

21/06/22 19:01:26

"This is lovely, Charlotte! Now your uncle will have a place to stay when he visits."

15/06/22 19:00:08

I was having a relaxing morning... until that quick brown fox showed up and jumped over me.

13/06/22 19:03:46

Nice face. Shame about the legs.

07/06/22 14:04:29

"This coffee tastes like cardboard."
"What did you expect? You asked for a flat white."

30/05/22 19:02:47

"Yet another covid surge. Shall we stay home and make some bread again?"
"Nah, let's just skip it."

29/05/22 22:08:10

"Tickle me?"
Hell no.

22/05/22 19:00:15

See your doctor if your nut cream is this colour.

14/05/22 21:34:50

A pouch for pizza is okay, but I want a pouch with a straw so I can be a marsoupial.

05/05/22 13:46:24

Seems like everything is experiencing inflation these days.

21/04/22 19:03:21

The Last Inflation of Christ

21/04/22 19:00:10

🎵 "I... too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my horse..." 🎵

20/04/22 19:00:58

Fangs for the mammaries

15/04/22 19:01:47

Show me a politician who picks his nose in public and I'll show you a dictator who has no f*cks left to give.

14/04/22 13:46:42

Jane actually didn't mind the covid mask rules.

11/04/22 19:12:57

"All our blind pilots have had over 10,000 hours in the 3D video cockpit simulator."
"So they're ready?"
"Not in the slightest."

10/04/22 19:04:29

"I still can't tell if you're a boy or a girl. Honestly we all look alike to me."

07/04/22 19:07:03

🎼 "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of- gaaaaaargh!!"

Sheldon Cooper's dream-turned-nightmare

01/04/22 19:14:24

Cat on a Hot Thin Goof

01/04/22 19:11:39

My Death Star popcorn bowl was great until my imbecile son decided to "reach out with his feelings" and fire a torpedo into the bloody thing.

29/03/22 19:02:06

"So I said to the chicken 'Why cross the road when I can pay a bloke to drive me AND my mates all the way to Shapwick Heath?'"

14/03/22 20:03:53

When lighting her farts in front of the telly, be careful not to burn Bush.

10/03/22 20:00:35

"We're sat out here in the cold all day whilst he just mucks about in there."
"...Bloody goldfish."

07/03/22 20:00:20

"The wall is like Ukraine. He'll break through eventually, but he'll look like an idiot."

04/03/22 20:01:07

Initial tests of the Iron Man suit were, "disappointing".

04/03/22 20:00:39

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: You do not talk, speak, chat, blab, tattle, converse, gossip or communicate about Thesaurus Club.

01/03/22 20:01:16

"No, what I SAID was, 'Clearly you have a lot of work to be done by your SHRINK.'"

23/02/22 20:06:39

Surprisingly not the strangest thing that's been stuck into a man-hole.

20/02/22 20:00:21

Dave had a feeling his team was going to get murdered on the pitch tonight.

13/02/22 20:00:09

"We won't stand for such hedonistic debauchery in Downing Street, partly because it is a debasement of political respectability, but mostly because we don't get invited to those sorts of parties."

02/02/22 20:03:23

"You and that bloody phone."
"But Daddy, I'm finally trending! On something called 'caption.me'?"
"...oh no...."

29/01/22 15:29:40

Bosom buddies

15/01/22 20:00:09

Bride of Lucky

14/01/22 20:00:25

One hour into my wife's Threesome Weekend, I was done and starting to wonder if maybe this had been a bad idea...

11/01/22 20:02:00

"We've secretly replaced this school's floor cleaner liquid with sex lube. Let's see if anyone notices."

07/01/22 20:00:26

"I know I should leave you, baby, but no one can yank my chain the way you do."

04/01/22 20:02:19