"I hear Tom has moved in with his bird"

16/03/24 20:05:07

"On a positive note, you're going to save a fortune on dentistry, glasses and haircuts"

09/03/24 12:06:54

Flown to the lions.

07/06/23 19:51:04

Looks like he could do with a Veg table.

13/04/23 11:00:33

How will I recognise you?

17/03/23 12:04:45, edited: 17/03/23 12:31:30

Jump Suit

08/02/23 20:00:12

“Do you ever pee in the bath??”
- "Yep, carrot too!”

16/11/22 13:16:53

Dave is his step dad.

31/10/22 8:04:35

Sunak continues to suggest everything’s fine.

28/10/22 11:00:10

I preferred Fly Tipping by J.R Hartley.

05/10/22 11:29:11

creative

When Dave eventually got home he couldn't believe it. He had been wearing his T Shirt back to front all day!

30/09/22 20:15:44

'Thank you for calling The Conservative Party, press 1 for someone who doesn't care, 2 for someone who can't be bothered or 3 for someone who's sleeping off a hangover'

19/05/22 20:15:43

He's put on a few stones

30/04/22 8:49:02

And so it came to pass, following the great floods of 1931 this part of London became know as Chairing Cross.

05/03/22 20:00:34

"Darling, it's your turn to walk the dog"

30/09/21 19:19:28

Scottish police arrest 22 men for having a search party

14/01/21 12:14:37

"Darling, I'm sorry but whoever did your hair today made a right arse of it"

15/12/20 22:34:38

lol x2

"Ladies and Gentlemen, due to unforeseen circumstances Michael Buble cannot perform this evening, however, as a special surprise Peter Andre has agreed to entertain us!!!"

13/11/20 14:07:44

"Darling, I think we should stop Tom from watching The Apprentice, that's the fourth babysitter he's fired"

26/09/20 14:50:30

"How adorable, how long has he been playing the banjo?"
- "About a year, but that bloody kid keeps nicking it off him"

27/08/20 13:29:36

clever

This evening's edition of Mastermind is unfortunately postponed.

16/02/20 15:10:25

Julie insists on doing her make up on the train.

17/12/19 12:00:11

At this point I thought it best to lay off the pot for a while.

23/10/19 7:17:15

Yes sir, it is a tad warm, shall we open some windows?

19/10/19 11:20:21

Beth's clearly lost some weight, it was only last month I saw her wearing a sofa.

18/10/19 9:28:54

Carlo's never had an accident but he's been involved in a few close shaves.

13/09/19 19:01:54

You're not looking at birds online again are you?

06/09/19 11:02:16

"Guys, do you think you could possibly stagger your fag breaks?"

31/07/19 7:09:41

A splendid example of the theory of gravititty.

03/06/19 11:00:16

Sorry, no caption from me, I don't accept cookies.

13/05/19 11:29:13

lol

Good grief. A cyclist that's actually gone through a green.

23/03/19 12:37:10

The Vend is Nigh

10/01/19 21:28:24

I'm telling you, you don't want to mess with the traffic wardens round here...

04/12/18 12:30:13

May I suggest that health and safety within sport has got a little over ambitious.

20/11/18 8:02:16

By jove! He's got some LED in his pencil!

06/10/18 12:04:46

A passing hand Sheik

13/09/18 19:00:12

Yeah, as it happens I'm a bit of a Marvel in the kitchen

05/09/18 19:17:06

Law and Order

06/08/18 7:02:14

They've been introduced for cyclists to avoid confusion. Apparently they both mean go.

07/06/18 11:00:43

creative clever x2

Sorry it's a little under done, it kept switching the bloody gas off

26/05/18 8:07:07

On reflection Dave wished he had held on to the zip wire

17/05/18 11:04:18

Brian has an obsession with the photography of head lice

31/03/18 7:43:59

Slut Machine

31/01/18 20:18:32

The nappy training wasn't going well.

28/10/24 12:00:49

creative

My ex wife raised my daughter.

27/10/24 12:36:44, edited: 27/10/24 12:37:37

"Next stop Paddington"

17/09/24 7:03:28

Mr Smiths maths lessons were always alternative. On this occasion it was a tricky one. If he drank 3 bottles at 12% proof and one at 14% proof what reading would his breath test be when stopped by the police on his way home?

16/06/24 19:24:49, edited: 16/06/24 19:27:10

Not the best hatched plan.

26/03/24 12:12:08

Dave used to be shy in starting relationships but he's clearly getting boulder.

22/03/24 8:08:23

"You say this is your first day at air traffic control?"

02/03/24 20:31:41

'Next stop, Wolferhampton'

20/11/23 12:03:32

Lionair

07/06/23 19:00:13

“How’s the new childminder love?”
- “Amazing! Can you believe she takes Tom to the park for at least 5 hours everyday!”

25/05/23 12:24:29, edited: 25/05/23 12:58:57

Dave has since realised there is something he wants to get off his chest.

21/04/23 11:00:15

It was mint to bee.

17/04/23 19:00:17

Back Garden

09/04/23 12:14:17

Prison life can be harsh, but living in Grimsby is worse.

23/03/23 12:34:54

lol

“Paddy, they’re very nice but they’ll let water in”
- “Ahhh, I’ve thought of that, they’ll also let the water back out again”

15/03/23 14:40:39, edited: 15/03/23 21:35:25

Meowstro

06/02/23 12:00:25

"I seriously don't know why the police can't just go back to using the breathalyser again"

28/11/22 8:43:48

Warning! Never buy a Rottweiler off eBay.

20/10/22 11:01:45

"That's a lovely picture Sally, what is it about?"
- "It's Mummy doing my homework"

29/05/22 11:05:19

For goodness sake! Leave poor Phil Collins alone!!

15/04/22 8:15:06

“Lads! This one's clearly not running today, I think we may have backed the wrong horse”

08/04/22 11:28:00

While DJ Claws likes a bit of hip hop and drum and bass he's actually more of a House cat.

19/11/21 12:06:46

Sight for shore eyes

16/12/20 12:14:26

I met the new Windows cleaner this morning

26/11/20 8:18:07

Pete was starting to get worried, he simply couldn't remember if she said a white wall with yellow stripes or a yellow wall with white stripes.

21/11/20 12:44:53

WARNING Never sneeze with a face mask on.

14/09/20 19:02:45

Marley was pretty chuffed with his monumental poop.

06/09/20 9:08:49

"So sorry Sir, I would have sworn you said egg on coast"

10/07/20 11:03:37

"Brandy, don't you find the older you get the younger the jockeys look"

01/07/20 11:01:51

"Excuse me, there's too much head on this beer"

30/05/20 11:11:54

"Darling, I think Tom may have moved on from castles on to other interests"

29/05/20 19:32:39

A dog with a cup of tea...that's novel.

03/05/20 7:35:34

They're being loaded onto the new Star Wars trailer.

07/01/20 13:20:08

Prince Andrew denies all knowledge of this photo.

17/11/19 20:54:41

I was actually hoping my mothers new chair lift would blend in with the decor a little more.

01/10/19 7:40:37

lol

I have to say that I wasn't impressed with the range of merchandise at the Loch Ness gift shop.

28/09/19 11:20:59

lol

An Officer and half a Gentleman

11/09/19 9:20:06

Johnny used to be a successful business man, the life and sole of the party and a real family man. Last year he signed up to Caption me.
Now failing in life he's taken to hiding away 3 times a day so to come up with captions. Some weeks the lack of votes leads to heavy drinking and desperation.
I can't imagine what he's going through, poor Johnny.

09/09/19 11:04:55

¡¡uʍop ǝpısdn uƃıs ɐ dn sʇnd ʇoıpı ɟo ʇɹos ʇɐɥʍ

02/09/19 11:01:01

Sign of being a heavy smoker.

25/08/19 12:44:46

"I'd help him across the road, but I can't swim"

19/06/19 19:06:08

"Yes love, I know I promised to do the gardening while you were out, and yes, I've got the football on, but quite remarkably, just as I started, a bunch from The Royal Horticultural Society came by and said our weeds are of significant historical interest an sealed them off. Now, tell me more about this headache that suddenly developed last night?"

02/05/19 19:04:38

lol

One minute she was tightening the air bag compartment, then....

09/03/19 18:15:11

A rare photograph from one of her B movies.

25/02/19 21:02:45

clever

It's clear that some are travelling with one piece of hand baggage while wearing the contents of a bloody suitcase.

03/02/19 20:56:35

Cape Horn

29/01/19 8:23:06

Shops like this should be condomed

19/01/19 14:09:36

"Darling, I think the dog wants to go out"

24/11/18 20:01:18

French flys

20/11/18 20:16:08

"Sarah love, are you still in the toilet?"

31/10/18 8:01:22

National Rail finally admit the temperature on board their trains during winter months may not be adequate

22/10/18 8:25:39

Darling, I think you may have overdone the fresh pine toilet cleaner

02/09/18 7:52:42

A Gran Day Out

13/08/18 11:03:54

"Darling, when you organised it to be installed while I was away, are you sure you clearly said satellite DISH??"

10/06/18 11:07:11

"When you said it might be nice to have the neighbours round for supper.. "

03/06/18 11:00:08

lol

Bloody right! They'll burn just as well.

15/05/18 7:00:09

They clearly don't keep off the grass..

24/03/18 14:04:30