I’m not saying the wife likes the sound of her own voice but it was a full 45 minutes before she realised……..

12/04/22 12:52:17

"STOP FU(KING CAPTIONING!"

11/04/22 19:03:07

"How's your Sal getting on with her false leg?"
- "Not great, she keeps pulling the bloody thing off"

09/04/22 12:10:56

I did some work for my girlfriend, unfortunately the wife found out.

04/04/22 11:03:21

"Del Boy! I have some toys for you to shift, they could have been made for you!"

02/04/22 8:54:12

“Thomas, it’s your great uncle Albert and he seems to be saying goodbye to you’
“But I’m not dea…………..

31/03/22 11:01:44

When you’ve got nine lives contacting the dead can take a while.

31/03/22 11:00:19

Ed Sheeran was never going to age well……

30/03/22 11:06:55

In Liverpool it's not unusual to pick up the wife after her night shift, it’s the least I can do while she pays for my drug habit.

29/03/22 9:06:12

'Lee, why the private plate, only idiots buy those?'
- 'Rubbish, I talked them into buy one get one free, front AND rear sorted!'

27/03/22 15:49:11

The problem with Dave is he's a sucker for plumbing.

21/03/22 1:28:45

He's a dishhound

20/03/22 18:56:59

Unfortunately the final test was conclusive. Despite the siren going at full blast it would seem Dave is deaf.

14/03/22 8:00:34

One misses the days when drama's within The Royal Family were promptly dealt with.

12/03/22 20:04:52

"Darling, people are staring"
- "I know, I was worried these trunks were a little bit snug around the meat and veg stall"

10/03/22 8:01:14

"It was unbelievable, you should have seen her! No face mask!"

09/03/22 20:02:40

Apparently it’s hand wash only which is just as well as I’d struggle doing it with my feet.

09/03/22 13:22:19

Is it a Lamborghini?

09/03/22 12:00:07

Sally’s never seen a naked man before, then again I’ve never seen a 6 year old girl drawing one.

07/03/22 12:01:20

I seriously believe this is a photo that every man should look at before considering marriage.

18/01/22 12:04:43

Well at least the food was popular, everyone was saying how scrummy it was.

17/01/22 16:00:46

The investigation concludes that Boris is no longer popular within the Conservative Party.

17/01/22 12:02:22

"Jack! He's back again, get the matches quick!"

22/11/21 12:12:28

"5 accross, 'what women ask for when their husband has become incredibly dull' 7 letters, starts with D"

20/11/21 9:09:47

"Darling, on one hand, yes it maybe an embarrassing incident but on a positive note while learning the alphabet they've nailed the letter T"

19/11/21 23:50:47

I don't totally agree with Jess reading it but I guess she should stay with the devil she knows.

18/11/21 20:45:35

They want to be careful, that's a cello part of the canal.

17/11/21 9:21:54

“Well that’s just typical Mrs Jones, the very day I come prepared and Rex is at the vet”

11/11/21 12:00:10

Darling, what did I say, NO BUTTS!

09/11/21 12:09:11

Poor Joe, it's same he wasn't wearing his Banana-armour.

08/11/21 9:59:49

"Lucky bitch, when she grows up she'll get to go out shopping, while all we get to do is stand in the bloody window"

04/11/21 12:47:18

My wife accidentally sat on it...it's been 3 days so far.

03/11/21 15:34:37

"Fancy another Bert?"
- "No bloody way, one sodding grandchild is more than enough!"

02/11/21 20:10:45

"If that kid doesn't stop tapping coins on the window I'm going to bloody kill him"
- "I suspect you will anyway, he's just sold your bike"

02/11/21 20:04:35

By getting his wife into a bear suit and throwing her off a bridge Dave walked away congratulating his genius for coming up with the perfect crime…….

02/11/21 12:19:16

At the press conference Miss Jones of Luton was clearly pleased with her lottery win however not everyone was convinced over her comments relating to the use of face cream making her look much younger than 18.

31/10/21 10:11:50

"Love, I knew it was a mistake to foster such a young one, can we make sure the next is tall enough to reach us a beer"

30/10/21 19:05:18

Dave was out last night. As a consequence he's also out today.

29/10/21 19:53:56

Marie kissed several, generally when she's p*ssed.

29/10/21 11:00:46

Those disgusting slimy frogs, can’t stand them….and what’s that little creature she’s with?

29/10/21 11:00:18

"Rex is here to get weighed, I just thought he's starting to look a little bit porky"

27/10/21 19:01:23

clever

'I'm seriously wishing I hadn't put on these orange socks today Sarg'

24/10/21 19:12:17

"Darling, Jake seemed absolutely fine when I dropped him off for his first day at nursery school but I'm a little surprised by him saying we're both mother fu*kers for collecting him"

20/10/21 19:01:35

Baby Boom.

20/10/21 7:00:07

This photo doesn't add up, neither does it multiply or divide....

16/10/21 16:27:32

Having seen the ad Dave was somewhat disappointed when he turned up with his $3.94 for head.

12/10/21 11:00:25

“I’ve got a feeling he might have sussed we’re not real parents, he’s not shouting at us”

11/10/21 11:20:07

“Well done darling, a magnificent effort. If Timmy doesn’t win the fancy dress there’s no justice!”

11/10/21 11:05:03

And so The Flamenco was born.

09/10/21 11:02:57

It only turns out they built it in meters instead of millimetres, they clearly got their wires crossed.

06/10/21 11:07:05

The quality of guests on The Jonathan Ross Show sink to a new all time low.

02/10/21 14:36:44

'I don't have a clue who this guy is but best shake his hand' they both thought.

02/10/21 7:17:42

"Result! Blagged my way into some 'Battersea' place and have been adopted! Will send money back home as soon as I can"

28/09/21 19:40:11

It's one of those presents that you may not want but believe me, it wants you.

28/09/21 7:00:10

I suspect it's not the first pussy to create a statement in White House.

24/09/21 19:16:01

Extensive research into the masterpiece painting 'The Scream' suggests it was possibly painted during the festive season.

22/09/21 19:02:39

There are clearly some methods of social distancing at concerts that seem to work.

21/09/21 19:14:24

Blimey! If that's the cake the speeches should be good!

17/09/21 7:25:18

"Does your dog bite?"
- "Not anymore"

13/09/21 21:04:32

Why did the chicken cross the road?
- To get to a lay by.

10/11/24 10:47:13

Point taken Jake, I'll get you a bloody scarf for Christmas.

09/11/24 22:31:27

America Votes! Enjoy the ride!

05/11/24 20:03:54

'For God's Sake, I didn't say where's the cod pilot!'

02/11/24 20:32:25

Tom's got a problem with his liver, he has to watch what he drinks.

02/11/24 12:15:12

Sorry I'm late love, we got stuck in the office.

31/10/24 20:15:51

A sales team needs to stick together

31/10/24 20:01:19, edited: 31/10/24 20:01:33

A Pet talk.

30/10/24 20:02:29, edited: 30/10/24 20:05:33

I herd that bus coming.

29/10/24 20:01:08

“And then he said I’ve got a drink problem, yeah, running out of it I told him!”

29/10/24 12:09:10, edited: 29/10/24 12:11:04

'When the kids asked for a games room I thought it would be a novelty'
- It certainly is Dave, given you live in a bungalow'

27/10/24 9:16:17

WARNING Keep away from adults!

25/10/24 21:29:27, edited: 25/10/24 21:30:00

I was actually hoping for some finger food.

25/10/24 8:39:05

Feeding my fetish.

25/10/24 7:31:13, edited: 25/10/24 7:44:17

Chase of the Alud Lang Swine.

23/10/24 19:17:05, edited: 23/10/24 19:37:37

My apologies, I would have sworn you wanted to be the finest mouse in the 'hand'

23/10/24 8:03:12

He ended up eating it the following morning due to having to break fast.

20/10/24 19:14:10

"Come on, chop chop!"

20/10/24 19:10:10

"Darling, I think he's done a sheet on your head"

18/10/24 19:16:06

The place is becoming popular, you could say it's a Boomtown.

13/10/24 19:08:59

Personally I'm waiting for the Christmas episode, Little Ho Ho Ho on the Prairie.

08/10/24 19:03:01, edited: 08/10/24 19:41:12

Another shot that missed.

05/10/24 11:12:33

He clearly gets good reception on his Tree Mobile

04/10/24 10:24:32

"Sorry mate, we're full, the giraffes beat you to it"

03/10/24 7:07:39

“That’s quite a pack!”
- “Thank you, the costume is a little tight”

02/10/24 11:19:15

"Who's the one without a helmet?"
- "The one that doesn't bite"

02/10/24 11:15:42

I hate freeloaders, why not call an Uber???

28/09/24 19:03:34

What does it ply?

28/09/24 17:56:51

Personally, I struggle to Kermit to saving money.

27/09/24 21:06:04

'Porcelain?'
- 'No, as it happens she's pretty wealthy'

27/09/24 19:48:51

He's his Mother's Pride.

24/09/24 11:07:19

Tina wasted no time in getting ready, it was a Quick Fit.

22/09/24 9:31:19

My Mum Your Dad, the rejects.

21/09/24 11:08:04

She clearly came from behind.

20/09/24 11:03:31

"Darling, have you been steeling pizzas again?"

19/09/24 19:04:53, edited: 19/09/24 19:28:03

"How did you find Rome?"
- "Full of litter"

19/09/24 7:26:52

If you look very closely I think it's a BMW.

18/09/24 8:03:10

"Darling, Sasha's playing with her food again"

16/09/24 19:11:03

"Darling, why has Marley got tin foil on his head looking at the PC with specs on?"
- "I thought it would make a good caption photo"
"Don't be stupid"

14/09/24 20:08:57

Darling, are you positive you paid the window cleaner last week?

10/09/24 11:04:05

Dave was never bright, particularly when he decided to do some home baking.

01/09/24 9:23:23, edited: 01/09/24 9:25:59