It's nearly lunchtime at the Daily Mail newsdesk.

07/10/18 11:00:06

He's a good mathematician, but a bad speller

27/09/18 11:19:02

When I bought this car, I thought all my Christmases had come at once.

24/08/24 11:00:24

"These sushi are out of this world."

07/06/24 7:01:26

"Yes dear, yes dear. You do realise that I can't hear a word you are saying? It's wonderful!"

21/01/24 8:12:20

How much is that moggy in the window?

15/02/23 8:00:10, edited: 15/02/23 8:35:33

Great balls of fire!

16/12/22 8:00:27

Gran-nam style.

24/09/22 7:00:29

"But it was MY turn to lick out the pan today!"

05/04/22 11:00:53

"Oh hell, I've got a parking ticket."

22/06/21 7:04:22

"It's no use, you can't run faster than the bear."
"I don't have to - I only have to run faster than you."

01/06/21 11:01:35

🎵 "Round, round, getting round, we're getting round..."🎵

17/02/21 8:00:07

Second place, Double Amputees Beauty Contest.

16/11/20 12:04:09

Wow, am I glad to get out of Narnia!

21/10/20 11:00:20

"I've finally got my Zoom background to display a knife in my hand!"

24/09/20 11:00:12

The audience all begged for deliverance.

27/08/20 11:00:41

🎵 Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair?🎵

09/08/20 11:00:20

Racing restarts at Newmarket with full PPE.

21/06/20 7:03:03

I have this awful premonition that if I don't do this job right, I'll be toast.

13/04/20 11:00:38

lol

Can you hold it right there? One of the family moved.

01/04/20 7:03:35

Severely incontinent man ahead.

08/03/20 12:02:18

Eating all that blue grass hasn't done him much good.

23/02/20 8:01:30

"It's no good, Elliott, I can't make us fly."

27/08/19 11:00:17

"Cough, please"

19/08/19 7:00:21

A sight for four eyes.

12/08/19 19:00:10

OK, I admit it - the father was a coconut. Doctor, will I ever walk again?"

29/05/19 11:01:23

The water in both tubs has completely evaporated while waiting months for caption.me to use this photo.

13/03/19 20:13:56

"Stop, Frederick, the soldiers are coming!"
"Well, OK, just the Minute Waltz, then."

07/02/19 8:06:12

Someone's had a pooh in this suit.

01/01/19 8:02:16

The Golden Globe awards were low-budget this year.

22/12/18 20:00:06

Security precautions at the Texas School Book Depository when Trump does Dallas.

21/12/18 20:00:09

Tracey was not really very good at playing air guitar.

13/12/18 8:00:13

Told him not to smoke Marlboro Gold.

11/12/18 20:00:11

"Diet Pepsi, please".

03/11/18 8:00:06

I'm so glad I came!

16/09/18 19:00:17

"Lads, just stop sitting on the ant-hill."

02/09/24 11:16:38

Ah, thank goodness - we've been searching everywhere for Joe Biden.

11/07/24 7:28:37

If you give one million monkeys one million typewriters, eventually they will get fed up with writing Shakespeare after half-a-dozen plays, and tear your head off.

23/04/24 11:02:10

"Terry Gilliam, I presume?"

29/12/23 8:01:13

"My wife said she really needed some incentive to lose weight - so I bought her a car."

02/06/23 7:06:42

My mother always told me I should have my five a day.

31/03/23 11:00:10

Student flat, three days into termtime.

01/03/23 12:01:16

That toast is toast.

22/01/23 12:00:29

De devil is in de tail.

16/09/22 7:00:20

"What time's the funeral?"
"Tooth-hurty."

14/09/22 11:01:59

clever

"Wow, that was some night with that pink elephant."

20/04/22 7:00:06

"Happy Christmas, all you Democrats!"

12/12/21 12:00:17

"Can you get rid of that really strange looking character on the left, please?"

30/11/21 8:10:48

"Yes, he stole both legs - they are black and hairy, and about this long."

28/10/21 7:00:18

"Robbie, get your hand away from where your groin would be."
"I can't help it, I'm dreaming of electric sheep."

06/07/21 19:06:57

"Stop being so silly and get back in the pram."

24/04/21 11:03:18

"Yes, I agreed to pose for Damien Hirst. Is there any reason why I shouldn't have done?"

19/02/21 12:01:34

See level

14/02/21 8:01:45

"You kids are going nowhere until Paul Vause turns up."

13/02/21 22:01:53

"Dad, can I start shaving now?"

23/11/20 8:00:11

Blimey - pass the deodorant.

15/10/20 11:00:21

Bondage compulsory. Disco dancing strictly forbidden.

09/10/20 11:00:06

He'd always wanted to try his hand at darts.

04/08/20 11:00:06

Although Boris is supposed to be self-isolating, he still likes to maintain his iconic hairdo.

28/03/20 20:00:19

My head is splitting.

29/11/19 8:08:24

Candidates are gearing up for next year's Presidential election.

21/11/19 12:00:08

OK, who's been feeding the elephants again?

13/11/19 12:20:12

That guillotine really needs to be sharpened.

31/10/19 8:02:52

lol

Her sister's even friendlier - she goes around with a mattress fastened to her back.

18/10/19 7:00:12

Good morning, Mr Weinstein.

18/09/19 8:12:15

"So I said to him - no, no, listen, this is really funny! - I said - this was in reply to that thing he said - so I took a deep breath and I said..."

"P*ss off."

02/09/19 7:00:57

We've tried and tried, but we can't get both our wheelchairs in there.

16/08/19 7:04:55

No, don't pull the baby behind you - do what other mothers do, and push it ahead of you into the traffic.

13/08/19 7:43:11

Bloody pavement cyclists, I've had a belly full of them.

05/07/19 7:00:43

All six Flat Earth Societies were partly right.

23/02/19 8:02:51

But you still cannot see Death approaching...

09/01/19 20:00:52

"After the divorce, my other half got the car engine and the plough."

29/12/18 8:03:47

"After that party last night, I feel as if all the stuffing has been knocked out of me."

12/12/18 20:00:07

I hate the way all this Christmas stuff starts to appear even before Bonfire Night.

07/10/18 7:00:09

lol

You can't blame him for wanting to get drunk, after his sepsis amputations.

04/09/24 11:03:44

The finalists in the Utah lemon-sucking contest.

30/08/24 11:17:34

Many hands make light work - and so do many fingers.

06/08/24 7:33:45

"Don't be an ass, you can't move your rook yet."

29/06/24 11:00:59, edited: 29/06/24 11:01:13

When your librarian is an orang-utan and you made the mistake of calling him a monkey.

29/04/24 7:47:26, edited: 29/04/24 7:55:16

That Coca-cola truck has seen better days.

17/03/24 8:00:23

"Number Five, please can you move in a little bit closer? My bum is getting cold."

18/01/24 12:33:08

"Blast! I've lost count."

10/09/23 7:00:59

"God, it's been so long since I've seen you!"

29/07/23 7:00:52

Gerald tried to ignore the ghost of a stewardess who had died in yesterday's plane crash.

01/07/23 11:10:22

I'm on a strict diet - just one ham salad sandwich for lunch.

29/05/23 11:01:23, edited: 29/05/23 11:01:46

"Dammit, I'm in deep shit."

16/03/23 8:21:00

That'll take ages - it's already Mar.

11/03/23 8:00:06

Nobody really minded Katy stealing road signs, but when she started collecting telegraph poles...

26/02/23 8:02:22

I don't think I wish to be serviced by a chicken.

17/02/23 8:00:06

"You mean you're going to EAT my baby?"

05/01/23 12:00:08

It's as good a place as any to store them.

19/07/22 11:00:29

"They don't like my music, and they didn't like my art. They just told me to get stuffed."

25/06/22 11:00:08

"What are you doing in here? Can't you knock?"

19/05/22 11:05:28

On Adventure With Rag'n'Bone Man

11/02/22 12:00:06

Now I know why, whenever I go into a public loo, the floor is always wet.

11/01/22 12:02:37

It has been a stressful year for us in 2021, although not as bad as 2020. Jocasta has taken up the cello, Vernon is understudying Ed Sheeran, and Damien is now old enough to shave. Wishing you all a very happy festive season and good health in 2022.

20/12/21 12:00:13

Cabbage patch doll

12/12/21 8:00:05

"You poor dear, it does look terribly painful. Have you tried witch-hazel?"

02/12/21 12:01:37

"Touch them? I rubbed them all over with sanitiser!"

25/11/21 8:03:31

Our glorious leader gives another rousing, inspiring speech.

27/08/21 7:00:29