I think I'm 60..at least that's what others tell me. I actually lost interest many years ago after people stopped putting money in my birthday cards. I'm deaf in my right ear but luckily have a spare on the left which I utilise when needed. I have been cursed with an unusual brain disorder which causes me to Riverdance whenever I pass a Butchers shop and I am also the first person in the UK to apply for an Eyelash Donor Card.

At the age of 14..I lost both my legs and a kidney in a freak tin-opening accident.

Unusually, I have been diagnosed as a Narcoleptic Insomniac

My partner breeds miniture Squirrels for Bonsai Tree owners.

I have received worldwide acclaim for my life-size model of Noddy Holder using only Marmite jars.

I suffer from both a numb penis and anus, which means I never know if I'm coming or going.

I once thought I'd bought a walking stick from a local charity shop which had a safety alarm that sounded as cars approached..a friend later informed me that it was actually a metal Detector.

I am the founder member of the Hornsey Rise Satanic Knitting Circle.

I have received many awards over the years, mainly for my tireless work on the eating habits of the Three-toed-sloth, primarily on it's inability to digest Lemon Pavlova's.

As a schoolkid I was constantly being bullied and ridiculed because of my size, so my parents stepped in and quickly had the four teachers dismissed.

I had a local job delivering Bra's until it all went tits up..so instead decided to go door-to-door selling imitation water to people with artificial plants.

I once agreed to be a surrogate beard grower for a hairless family member but I only ended up breaking his heart when I fell in love with it and refused to hand it over.

I have had a sausage sandwich Cryogenically frozen for future consumption.

Between the ages of 4 and 5..I was forced to take part in illegal backstreet wrestling bouts in order to finance my fathers addiction to Lard.

For the last year I have been working for the Government scraping highly volatile leg wax from the knee's of the Spine-Backed Dancing Shrimp, helping to make British beaches some of the safest in the world.

I recently researched my family history and found out that two of my ancestors were responsible for the death of a turf salesman...does this mean that they both had mud on their hands?

I managed to convince my Brother-in-law to import 10 million tonnes of sand from Iraq so that he could drill for his own oil.

I am currently being pursued by the Ministry Of Defence due to the patent I hold for 'Hinged Bacon'..which I designed to combat the problem of larger rashers hanging out of smaller sandwiches...I believe they feel it may be of some military value in any future conflicts.

I have one of the most extensive collections of Masonic Gherkin Forks in East Anglia.

I sacked my agent in the 80's after he got me a walk-on part in Starlight Express.

In 1977 a friend told me she'd caught Saturday Night Fever at a late screening..so I sent her some flowers and a get-well-soon card.

Any spare time I have is used in trying to determine why I keep finding damp Pubic Hair in my Blender...Any ideas would be gratefully welcome.

Due mainly to her Dementia my mother has had a wig made out of Astroturf which when not in use she hopes to hire out to Pixies for Bowls tournaments.

In 2003 our Microwave Oven was featured on Sky Living's 'Most Haunted' programme where it was found to be inhabited by the restless spirit of a previously consumed Haddock...which reminds me..I am currently working on the prototype of the worlds first Microwave bed. If all goes well, users should be able to get a whole nights sleep in only twenty minutes.

I was once arrested for bringing Black Market Dance CD's into the country..but later got off on a technocality.

I was concieved at a Glenn Miller tribute concert..and as a result I tend to swing both ways.

I have a Tattoo of a full-sized right arm on my right arm..but I can never find it.

With an overriding need to be different I have made plans to swim the Channel Tunnel.

I have been highly trained by a Samurai from Billericay in the way's of 'Dooki-Yakki'..(the art of disconnecting ones Telephone to confuse Badger lovers)

I have had a tin of Ambrosia Semolina surgically implanted inside my skull..just to confuse future Archaeologists.

I keep a dog turd in each of my trouser pockets..just to get one over on any future pickpockets

I lost my dear dad over two years ago, now (I still live in the hope that Sainsbury's will ring one day to tell me that they've found him)

Any points I may receive for my captioning efforts I hereby dedicate to his memory.