The selection of prizes on Bullseye weren't that great

27/10/19 9:18:52

It wasn't easy finding laxatives and barbed wire in a 10 minute dash to the shops but as the mother in law is coming over for dinner I made a special effort.

21/10/19 19:04:34

Poor thing, it started in the laboratory when he was forced to smoke the equivalent of 20 a day, then just one thing lead to another"¦..

21/10/19 12:44:28

Fu*k me! I don't remember eating a whole Pigeon last night!

03/10/19 11:19:56

Oh my word, what an awful discovery to make, how long were you there for?

01/10/19 11:27:51

Meet the ex, I simply couldn't deal with her anymore.

28/09/19 19:01:14

With this being Tina's left shoulder, my money is on her having a joker to the right.

17/09/19 19:07:44

Sue isn't sure if she's ready for a new relationship but she's toying with the idea.

17/09/19 7:11:04

The sun obviously does shine out of it, at least the moths thought so"¦..

26/07/19 11:01:15

"And have you ever used an electric toothbrush before?"

20/07/19 13:29:18

Take your pick.

19/06/19 7:24:24

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to denture car"

10/06/19 19:00:08

Toys were us.

08/06/19 19:00:23

Threat A Manger

04/06/19 11:02:27

"I totally get this masterpiece, it clearly represents the fragile earth we live on and the hidden inner machinery of politics which is gradually destroying it"
- "Mate, it's an old section from the boiler room waiting to be collected"

23/05/19 8:56:16

I've woken up with worse - said the cat.

01/04/19 7:39:40

I guess, as erections go, it could have been worse.

19/03/19 12:42:27

Ralph Lauren clearly recognise that their customer base is ageing by providing crutches for browsing.

27/02/19 9:32:40

"And Adams hits the deck after a monumental blow to the head"¦"

26/02/19 12:00:46

Paul's diet half killed him.

25/02/19 8:00:54

Apparently it's Leslie Phillips place

15/02/19 12:00:10

Bridget wasn't convinced she wanted to marry him. She needed to be shore.

19/01/19 9:02:40

"What's your handicap Dave?"
- "I keep falling off"

07/01/19 12:03:40

"When I said I'm on my way, you can put the dinner on"¦."

03/01/19 12:00:34

It's so good to see Simon coming out of his shell.

02/01/19 20:00:11

So did Santa leave anything nice in your stocking this year Dave?

29/12/18 12:50:02

There's much controversy over the new cycle lanes for mountain bikers.

15/12/18 9:44:17

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!

08/12/18 12:01:41

They're actually a Heavy Metal Band.

01/12/18 12:03:16

This does not reflect well.

28/10/18 13:00:41

Toys WeЯe Us.

18/10/18 19:00:08

Sod the bloody car...where's my dog going to piss in the morning??

13/10/18 19:14:50

Darling, I know you've always done it, but isn't it about time to stop taking her out on Mother's Day?

11/10/18 19:02:12

He's the groom.

26/09/18 19:00:11

It really is quite tragic, they all died from a stroke.

06/09/18 11:00:27

It 's a tad extreme but Pablo never suffered from constipation again.

22/07/18 9:03:27

lol

I'm forever telling her she looks like a real tit going out with oven her gloves on

11/06/18 19:00:06

cat a pillar

21/05/18 7:00:08

Pete was desperately looking forward to happy hour.

29/04/18 11:32:18

Found this old photo of the wife the other day...I must admit that I had forgotten just how much she suited a waist and jaw line.

27/04/18 7:11:58

clever x2

Staff room

27/03/18 7:10:08

Disappointment when all of England's aging hurdle team stall at the first jump

15/02/18 8:34:34

Acting on a tip off

13/02/18 8:13:06

That's weired

04/02/18 20:01:31

UB 40, 50, 60, 70 and 80.

29/01/18 20:59:19

Typical...you wait all day for a message then 3 come along together

20/01/18 14:40:06

Polar bear Saturn a rock

23/12/17 8:10:54

Mary was absolutely delighted with her Christmas jumper

10/12/17 12:22:32

Sally eventually realised she wasn't going to get much business standing next to a no entry sign

06/12/17 20:45:42

Jack often went out alone just to escape a full house...

30/11/17 13:10:02

Rock and Roll.

28/09/24 11:03:20

A Bridge Too Spar

03/09/24 7:03:38, edited: 03/09/24 7:05:52, suggested edits

Wow, Chris Beech has let himself go.

26/08/24 19:03:35

Protesters fail over calls to ban clubbing wildlife

05/06/24 11:07:16

"Oh baby, after all the chat I can't wait to come round. How will I know which is your flat?"
- "Hey, just look out for some underwear I've taken off dangling from my balcony xxx"

11/03/24 20:54:54

Dave, there's a one legged old woman carrying a pregnant dog asking if she can escort her granddaughter to the toilet, what do you reckon?

25/08/23 7:10:54

“Where’s the fairy?”
- “Bottom right”

10/08/23 12:29:29

“Yes Sir, it is a smart TV, I think the walnut goes rather well with the grey circular screen”

25/07/23 10:28:31

Welcome to Alton Towers Head Office

25/04/23 7:01:34

I promised the wife a coast to coast cruise.

09/04/23 19:24:20

Where's My Pear Lady?

31/03/23 11:05:53

Next stop Mowtown.

25/03/23 8:02:06

Kensington 'Boutique' Apartment providing a bright living environment, benefiting from a beautiful timber staircase feature leading to the upper sleeping quarters with panoramic views. Only £495,000.

23/03/23 12:00:48, edited: 23/03/23 16:37:00

Urine trouble now....

18/03/23 20:01:59

He's in a band known as Z Top

19/02/23 14:40:35, edited: 19/02/23 14:47:06

"For God's sake Dave, why don't you just have a burglar alarm fitted like everyone else??"

10/02/23 12:00:44

Caught red handed as more staplers are being removed from the 4th floor.

08/02/23 8:19:22

Biker Grave

26/10/22 7:13:15

And today on Embarrassing Bodies meet Tina who’s growth on her back is becoming cause for concern.

21/10/22 11:08:02

'Thanks love, it was an interesting audition but I don't think Britain's got Talent is ready for a guinea pig that farts to the tune of Rule Britannia'

27/06/22 19:07:50

"Darling, I know you don't like paw prints all over the kitchen floor but don't you think this is a tad extreme?"

05/06/22 11:52:08

lol

"Dave, when on earth did your cat start riding a horse?"
- "Simple, the moment I started using drugs"

03/06/22 20:17:02

clever

Dave couldn't stand that photo of him, but he eventually managed.

30/05/22 19:00:36

"Would you like to do grace sister?"
- "Oh I do, regularly, men are a bit thin on the ground in the convent"

23/05/22 7:32:25

“How on earth is she going to breathe?”
- “You’re right, pugs can struggle sometimes”

20/05/22 11:02:57

Using the condom machine transpired to be a total waste of money.

12/03/22 14:08:34

lol

"Darling, I think I may give the Creme Brulee a miss"

10/03/22 20:06:56

"Actually, they're fine when they get going however, when it comes parking...."

06/03/22 9:38:26

What is it with birds and botox?

14/01/22 13:28:38

Oscar spends most of the day looking at heavy petting websites

10/12/21 12:01:12

Peter Cushion

20/11/21 20:01:34

How dairy

10/11/21 8:03:29

Nicolas Caged.

29/10/21 9:12:20

Darling, it was possibly a mistake moving into a house next to a sweet shop.

22/10/21 13:56:03

'And tonight on News At Ten, in a surprise announcement Primark have stated they are to close all their stores with immediate effect'

19/10/21 19:01:04

Dave was disappointed by the response to his profile picture on the dating site.

12/10/21 7:05:50

Dave was remarkably young when he discovered you shouldn’t start drinking before lunchtime.

08/10/21 11:00:08

"OK, OK, I'm showing off a little but when you've been commuting on the tube for years..."

06/10/21 19:46:31

Heavy petting

01/10/21 13:18:51

I recommend the 5 star treatment which includes a blow dry.

22/09/21 7:00:43

With tits like that I simply had to give her a bow.

17/09/21 11:00:07

Jenny English

27/02/21 12:10:54

Returning unwanted gifts from IKEA can be dramatic.

27/12/20 20:37:07

Range Rover

28/11/20 10:53:12

clever

Caution a head.

20/11/20 12:20:25

"Mummy, can I have a donkey ride?"
- "There's no donkeys here love"
- "Yes there is, I heard daddy saying he saw a lovely ass on the beach"

16/11/20 12:53:32

Britain Had Talent

18/09/20 7:20:21

"Sorry Dave, I'm really not sure if I'm using the best glue for this...."

11/06/20 11:00:24

Max has appeared in several soaps

08/06/20 11:04:22

Good grief! That's not a football. It just dawned on me.

05/06/20 13:18:34