"How's your ex doing?"
"He tried to run a marathon in a mankini."
"How did that go?"
"He collapsed after 500 yards and had to be resuscitated by a Chinese man."
"Well he deserved it, the two timing b*stard."
"That's not the worst of it. Someone took his photo and put it on a caption site"¦"

28/10/20 8:38:05

"The mother in law's train should be coming any second..."

24/10/20 12:38:06

If you can keep your mankini when all about you are losing theirs, you'll be a man my son.

21/10/20 19:07:24

Hedgedog

20/10/20 11:00:04

The new travel game for lockdown. When the desire to travel becomes unbearable, simply place a finger on the country you want to visit until the pain makes the desire go away.

19/10/20 7:08:32

Close Encounters of the Furred Kind

17/10/20 7:00:04

Contact Dignitas Letting Agency for more details.

13/10/20 11:32:01

That moment you realise your wife has been getting up to monkey business behind your back.

13/10/20 7:04:55

Nine months after a drunken one night stand you discover just how drunk you were.

13/10/20 7:00:16

2022, Covid-19 has been eliminated but questions remain about side effects from the vaccine.

13/10/20 7:00:06

While his foster parents are distracted during a photo shoot for 'Weird and Wonderful Families' magazine, Larry the Giraffe sneaks off in search of his real parents.

10/10/20 7:07:21

Jason and the Argo-gnats

09/10/20 7:00:15

Gulliver meets Medusa's daughter.

08/10/20 7:04:28

"What's it saying, my precious, my love? Is Anon losing his nerve?"
"No! Not! Never! Anon hates nasty captioneerses! Anon wants to see them"¦ dead!"
"It's ours! Ours! We must get the Precious £50! We must get It!"
"Patience! Patience, my love. First we must lead them to her."
She's always hungry. She always needs to feed."
She hungers for sweeter meats. Captioneer meat. And when she throws away the bones and empty clothes, then we will find It!"
"And take it for me!"
"For us."
"Yes, we meant, we meant for us."

07/10/20 7:06:38

"What happened to your girlfriend?"

"She fainted when she saw the size of my new phone."

06/10/20 19:00:35

"After Mummy gave birth to me she said she never wanted to see another prick again."

29/09/20 7:08:28

When the waiter coughs on your meal.

23/09/20 19:29:18

World staring champion Dave had finally met his match.

20/09/20 7:01:12

"You're the love of my leaf!"

15/09/20 19:33:15

Fruit machine

11/09/20 7:41:56

Cantacoupe

11/09/20 7:01:00

Dave was beginning to regret asking for a blow job.

06/09/20 11:01:12

"Put your backs into it lads, the boss is here. The old bastard likes to watch us sulphur."

05/09/20 19:20:07

Adam's Apple

02/09/20 7:01:10

Bland Designs

31/08/20 11:40:20

Peuter the Great

30/08/20 11:00:34

"Would you like to help us get multiple phantasms?"

29/08/20 7:37:23

Bapparitions

29/08/20 7:25:33

Dave was convinced he'd win the 'most unusual mole' competition.

21/08/20 7:07:13

I've never seen a cow with a trunk before.

18/08/20 12:25:18

"Please don't feed me bread. I prefer Quacker Oats."

29/07/20 19:07:57

Spot the ball for beginners

29/07/20 11:09:01

One Malteser can feed a family of Borrowers for a week.

29/07/20 11:00:17

"Excuse me sir, I think you might find a book by Daphne du Maurier more exciting."

24/07/20 19:14:45

"Hello, I think you've sent me the extra large Hairy Krishna statue by mistake. You also left it on my little sister's foot."

24/07/20 7:35:00

They'd have been fine if Dave's ferret hadn't smelt the Snickers bar in his back pocket.

22/07/20 11:02:01

Still unsure why women live longer than men?

22/07/20 11:00:10

"I've stoated so I'll finish."

20/07/20 11:33:51

I see bread people

18/07/20 11:06:48

"It's hard work but the dough's good."

18/07/20 11:00:33

Fifty Shades of Hay

14/07/20 7:30:16

"Lockdown's driving me batty."

12/07/20 7:00:22

Children should be left to their own crevices

11/07/20 11:08:04

"I stopped eating there. The food's all genitally modified."

11/07/20 8:04:52

True self control is the ability to look at porn without using your hands.

10/07/20 19:06:23

The Day the Oeuf Stood Still

10/07/20 11:02:47

"What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a bear do a shit in the wood before?"

05/07/20 19:00:27

Some people can't help spilling the beans.

30/06/20 11:49:19

I thought the one on the left was my wife and she and her two designer friends wanted me to see if I liked the taste of their new range of liquorice clothing. Then I woke up and remembered I was a captioneer.

25/06/20 7:09:14

Spot, the ball

23/06/20 7:23:23

Pompomeranian

23/06/20 7:13:15

Dave really regretted saying he could eat a horse.

22/06/20 19:02:10

"Don't worry, they're legal aliens."

22/06/20 7:08:42

Brokebike mountin

12/06/20 7:04:45

His plight is worse than his bark.

09/06/20 19:01:47

By order of the new mayor of Gotham City.

08/06/20 7:56:46

"Do you think my trans vest is too tight?"

02/06/20 7:00:24

Silly Elliot

26/05/20 11:06:56

The thoughts of a second lockdown with his wife was too much for Dave.

18/05/20 7:05:01

Pale Rider

16/05/20 19:00:05

"I'm hoping to catch a lift."

13/05/20 7:01:43

Stoneface is well known for his cracking smile.

11/05/20 19:00:06

"My doctor says I have turrets syndrome."

10/05/20 19:07:42

A Nan Hauled Horse

10/05/20 7:58:05

That moment you realise your wife's a bitch and you have nothing in common.

08/05/20 11:25:31

The Evel Dead

07/05/20 12:01:05

Mrs Tiggy-Winkle finally got laid.

05/05/20 7:00:18

"I've always fantasised about having two fat ladies on my face."

01/05/20 7:00:08

Gulliver finds turtle as big as a bus.

29/04/20 19:00:13

Dollypop

25/04/20 7:00:05

Gull english breakfast

23/04/20 11:42:54

"Don't worry darling, the pieces on the clothes line are almost dry."

21/04/20 19:01:25

Cakes and ladders

21/04/20 11:00:03

The Plonk Panther

15/04/20 11:00:05

"Don't you just hate it when someone turns up wearing the same outfit."

14/04/20 7:05:35

Bread making kit

12/04/20 7:04:20

The Old Man and the Sea

11/04/20 11:00:05

Bob loved nothing better than cleaning his ass with a toothbrush.

09/04/20 19:00:04

creative

Michael Yelps

03/04/20 19:01:52

Meryl Cheep

02/04/20 19:00:05

Anon comes out to send his congratulations to the Wolf.

01/04/20 11:08:15

"This is the wurst amusement park you've taken us to Mum."

31/03/20 19:00:08

"It's not your cough I'm worried about, I just noticed you had nits."

28/03/20 21:08:46

*CLAP CLAP CLAP* "THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WORKING IN THE NHS!"

26/03/20 20:00:35

"Dad, maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while. To avoid spreading coronavirus of course."

24/03/20 12:00:14

"1, 2, 3"¦. 7, 8, 9, 10"¦ and then I open my eyes and stop having this nasty dream about a virus."

21/03/20 20:12:16

"She's suffering from C aisle dementia."

15/03/20 12:12:55

"Sorry, I don't eat junk food."

01/03/20 8:24:35

"Genitally modified food seems to be everywhere nowadays."

01/03/20 8:20:36

After 'Frozen 2', Olaf's career as a postman didn't last long.

24/02/20 20:01:25

"What do you expect if you leave me all by myself, with nothing to do, and a £20,000 bag of cocaine?"

24/02/20 20:00:20

Dave was having trouble mastering the art of flossing, until he trained his pet fly to do it for him.

24/02/20 8:06:29

King of the Pews

22/02/20 8:00:05

As Dave tried on his homemade graduation hat, he wondered if he'd confused inches with feet again.

21/02/20 8:03:11

"Any chance of a blowjob?"

20/02/20 12:04:23

"We can't seem to lick the habit."

15/02/20 20:00:07

"You're fired!"

14/02/20 20:00:12

Pop star-ch

06/02/20 21:28:51

Josephine and her coat of many colours.

04/02/20 12:17:58

"Life just isn't the same since my cock got put in a cage."

04/02/20 8:00:04