"For Christ's sake, Dave, if you don't want sex just say so. Hiding in a pillowcase is so immature."

31/08/23 7:13:21

There's nothing worse than when you lose the remote and have to turn the air conditioning on manually.

30/08/23 7:08:03

"As you can see, the repeal of water pollution rules has not affected our rivers in the least," declared Michael Gove, whilst standing on the Thames.

29/08/23 19:13:15

Madogna

24/08/23 7:00:19

"How warm's the water, Junior?"
"Guess."

19/08/23 7:01:01

And this was the last time Sally was allowed into Madame Tussauds.

14/08/23 19:24:01

"To have and to 'hold the pineapple'."

14/08/23 7:03:08, edited: 14/08/23 7:03:50

"To be fair, luv, I did book the family holiday to Bahkmut in 2020."

12/08/23 19:15:47

Proof that there are two types of people in this world: Those that hate cats, and those that are batshit crazy.

07/08/23 7:04:55

"And just like that ... No more outie."

04/08/23 20:42:00

It's sad that Dave suffered such a terrible accident, but this often happens when you read maps backwards.

12/07/23 7:14:54

"Sorry, what do you mean by you 'identify' as female?"

07/07/23 19:08:08

"Aren't you a little short-tempered for a Stormtrooper?"

03/07/23 7:14:25

"Can you help me, Citizens? I've come to Oz to get a heart, and a liver, some kidneys, two legs, a penis would be nice..."

02/07/23 20:10:32, edited: 02/07/23 20:34:09

"Is this the 50cc club?"

"Nah, it's the 34B club."

12/06/23 7:20:34

"Where's Leo with that bloody can opener?"

07/06/23 19:33:47

🎵 Doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock 🎵

It's Godzilla, not a crocodile [anon]

Welcome anon, you must be new to caption.me (caption author)

31/05/23 19:23:33

Oh look, it's the International Semaphore signal for "Help me, my owner is a sadistic prick."

30/05/23 7:00:25

Barka

26/05/23 7:14:09

"There. If you behave you can have your left one back tomorrow."

20/05/23 19:20:24

Yes, Elon, I'm sure you'll be on Mars by 2029.

17/05/23 7:26:38

The German version of Cinderella is really disturbing.

15/05/23 19:20:04

The last thing Norman Bates expected was a man wielding a fork.

09/05/23 7:07:35

"Do you mind not walking so cloche?"

07/05/23 19:00:14

... and as the clock struck twelve, the carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into mice, who then ran up Cinderella's leg and ate her head.

THE END

07/05/23 12:34:44

You spoil those zombies.

01/05/23 14:42:30

A horse walks into a bar ... A horse walks out of a bar.

01/05/23 7:02:54

It's a sign of the times when even your vicar needs a second job.

29/04/23 19:26:08

"Oh, puns ... I'm not emused."

28/04/23 19:07:08

"There you have it. Definitive proof that people are getting stupider."

"Absolutely. If it hadn't been for that red circle I'd have completely missed it."

17/04/23 7:04:33, edited: 17/04/23 7:09:50

It took 16 years, but Dave finally found the Jelly Baby he'd lost down his chair.

08/04/23 19:57:25, edited: 08/04/23 20:02:06

"Have you seen the size of their urinals? Pathetic."

06/04/23 7:03:27

"A barman walks into a stable. The horse says, 'Why the short dick?' ... WHICKER WHICKER WHICKER!"

06/04/23 7:00:09

"Dave, dear, all I'm saying is that there are healthier hobbies than arson."

04/04/23 7:10:41, edited: 04/04/23 9:59:23

Ahhh, the good old days, when sexual orientation was black and white.

01/04/23 11:11:15

"Hi Barry, it's Khufu again. Listen I'm just looking out my window at that pyramid cladding and I'm thinking maybe the purple stone is a bit garish. Can we change it to white? ... Yes, I know I could have told you 23 rows ago, but I am Pharaoh, and you do like having two hands and a nose, don't you?"

29/03/23 7:04:56

Pitch Imperfect

23/03/23 8:00:19

He looks suspiciously like a kiddy fiddler.

22/03/23 12:38:17

The Little Punner Boy

🎵 Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pun pun pun
To lay before the King
Pa rum pun pun pun
Rum pun pun pun
Rum pun pun pun 🎵

21/03/23 12:19:18, edited: 21/03/23 18:57:56

That's disgusting. Ampersand usage should be restricted to proper nouns.

14/03/23 12:39:43

"So, Dave, are you actually a qualified sensitivity editor?"

14/03/23 12:11:01

Nobody mention fish. Fishy innuendos would be disgusting and immature. No fish based captions, please... Mmmm, fish.

09/03/23 20:10:32

"I'm sorry, miss, but your carry-on luggage exceeds our weight allowance."

24/02/23 12:00:19

"Thanks for selecting me. It feels great to have that corkscrew out of my arse."

15/02/23 8:04:35, edited: 15/02/23 8:05:51

Arnold Schwarzenmittens

12/02/23 20:01:23

"If you'd just take a seat, Julius, it would save us all a lot of trouble."

06/02/23 8:07:06

"You caiman late last night."

04/02/23 20:00:12, edited: 04/02/23 20:02:47

"Holy crap, Dave, that steam roller nearly ran us over ... Dave?"

04/02/23 8:14:47, edited: 04/02/23 9:11:03

"How many times do I have to tell you, Dave? Stop giving the cat ecstasy."

30/01/23 20:05:06

It's easy to forget how common conjoined twins used to be.

09/01/23 12:02:48

"So, Dave, I hear you used to be a baggage handler?"

02/01/23 20:28:21

I can't stand these Woke remakes. Just look at what they've done to Captain Kirk and Spock.

22/12/22 12:01:04

I awoke, hungover, smelly, and disoriented, but what really pissed me off was that some prick had stolen my smartwatch.

06/12/22 8:20:03

Dave woke up, and laughed, remembering a funny dream he'd had where he was a unicorn and Prince Charming was shagging him silly.

06/12/22 8:01:03

"Clean up in aisle ... oh, wait, don't bother."

05/12/22 20:27:13, edited: 05/12/22 20:30:19

"Sorry, luv, but I've got work early in the morning. Would you mind letting yourself out?"

27/11/22 8:31:30

"I ate Rosie the checkout girl with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

15/11/22 8:15:34

"Yep, lost my boat 2 miles upstream, but I've still got a hand on my rudder."

29/10/22 7:06:11

White Water Draughting

29/10/22 7:04:20

Nobody can say that Vlad the Impaler didn't have a sense of humour.

20/10/22 7:11:41

Dave.........Doug.

15/10/22 7:03:32, edited: 15/10/22 7:32:03

"Beby g#o portly int@ marzipan and popdad toot shizba!"

Well, that's the last time I use an AI caption generator.

13/10/22 8:47:00

"Mr. Schrödinger, we have a volunteer."

25/09/22 11:32:21, edited: 25/09/22 13:02:06

"Like, I don't mind participating in sport, y'know, but, oh my God, who designed these horrific shoes?"

21/09/22 7:35:35

Nothing ruins a family photo like some drunken idiot crashing the set and pissing on your baby.

19/09/22 19:55:49

clever

Pandas only ovulate once a year, so let's make the most of it.

12/09/22 7:02:42, edited: 12/09/22 7:05:25

*Insert subject* isn't cut out for *insert action*.

05/09/22 7:00:15

A lot of people think that Ibex are really good at climbing, but the truth is, they're just really bad at falling.

27/08/22 7:08:48

"Ok, just so we're clear, if you don't explicitly say 'no' I'm going to take that as consent."

18/08/22 19:07:33

"I've got to admit, Mr. Dahmer, what you've done with that portion of my leg is very creative."

17/08/22 19:17:46

"No one would have believed, in the last years of the nineteenth century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they threw trays of bread upon us."

17/08/22 7:52:20

Tyred of puns? Have a seat and tell us all about it.

15/08/22 7:00:37, edited: 15/08/22 7:11:59

"Oh look! Colonel Mustard has picked up a candlestick with his little paws. How cute."

12/08/22 7:09:36, edited: 12/08/22 7:13:43

Come on, Charles, this abdication propaganda has gone too far.

05/08/22 7:10:43, edited: 05/08/22 7:26:17

"YES, HAROLD! WHILE YOU WERE UP THE CORNER PADDOCK MUNCHING CLOVER WITH THE OTHER STALLIONS I DID BLOODY WELL GIVE BIRTH!"

03/08/22 19:58:12

Ibex? No, that's under "X".

01/08/22 7:03:47

"Sorry you guys had to isolate with me ... ACHOOO! ... Again, sorry."

16/07/22 19:15:38

"Do you think having a lesbian owner has affected your personal sexuality?"

"Not at all, darling," clucked Barry the Rottweiler.

15/07/22 12:19:33

"Nosegays?"

"Yes, I suspect they both know plenty."

13/07/22 19:15:00

"Remarkable, Tony. Where did you find a photo of kids playing outdoors?"

"1969."

04/07/22 12:44:25

clever

Oh look, a scene from my favourite disaster movie: The Wedding Singer.

29/06/22 7:04:05

"Ha ha, it's funny, Raj, because in English, "Eating Carpet" means performing oral sex on a woman."

"No, it is not funny, Dave, because in Hindi it means exactly the same thing."

14/06/22 7:02:57

In a desperate mission to protect Captioneers, all the cats in the world were ejected into space ... It failed.

06/06/22 7:29:25

Caption.me doesn't just run smoothly on its own. Behind the scenes Chris Beach is working his arse off.

02/06/22 7:11:45

Ice hole phishing.

31/05/22 7:07:56

"Tina! About your yeast infection..."

23/05/22 11:59:18

"Very funny, Scotty."

21/05/22 19:39:42

Fun with Science #19: Static Electricity

16/05/22 12:52:34

"Maybe this nude thing looks a little gay? Next time let's dress up as a soldier, a biker, a cowboy, an Indian, and a construction worker."

12/05/22 7:05:49

"And Jesus said 'I am the Bread of Life' and everyone did agree as he looked like a loaf of Hovis."

06/05/22 11:56:23

Tina was happy with the arrow, but disappointed they'd misspelt "Penis".

05/05/22 7:01:42

"Honey, I know Father Patrick gave us a wonderful ceremony, but can you ask him to piss off now?"

04/05/22 19:16:48

** Poles Bolster Air Defence **

03/05/22 19:00:10

"Bastard. You could have woken me with just a kiss."

02/05/22 19:55:33

As well as 6,257 nukes, Russia also has 4 Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch.

02/05/22 11:36:30

Gullivus Caesar spoils that dog.

27/04/22 11:07:28

"Ha ha, my clone army will crush the Ukraine! Send in the full-size versions!"

"Um, these are the full-size versions Mr. Putin..."

12/04/22 19:23:00

"It look great. It has catchy name. Why Put-in Dildo not selling?"

12/04/22 19:11:13

"Thank-you, Alfred. May we see the whine menu?"

06/04/22 7:05:43

"I don't care what it says. If it isn't a nipple, it's evil."

05/04/22 8:32:34