The global recession has retarded development of NASA's Mars lander.

29/03/20 12:21:54

The Penultimate Laser Adventure down the street will be the next to go.

19/02/20 13:04:30

clever

I'm all for pinching his sherry glass, but I'd draw the line at using Gulliver's foot spa.

17/02/20 20:16:53

Her psychiatry sessions were a complete success. She's no longer scared of clowns.

02/02/20 20:00:59

creative

"Well, I didn't expect it to be octagonal," thought the sperm.

31/01/20 17:07:16

"Doctor, I've started seeing hedgehogs everywhere. I thought one was an icecream, then another a pineapple, and I saw one in my baking. Now I'm seeing them around boats. I think I'm going crazy. What should I do?"

"Snuffle, snuffle, snort, snuffle," scratch, sniff, scratch, "snuffle, snort, snuffle..."

14/12/19 13:02:42

The moment when you come to and realise that you're not Alice, and that wasn't a rabbit hole.

13/12/19 12:18:14

Typical male reaction when a woman graphically describes how wide her cervix dilated during childbirth.

13/12/19 8:12:53

There must be easier ways to clear landmines.

24/11/19 20:22:21

And God said "Let there be light", and there was light. And God said "Let there be nipples, pubic hairs, and dangly thingies", and lo, there were nipples, pubic hairs, and dangly thingies.

21/11/19 20:11:57

clever

I have Wolfys porridge, the one with pot inside. My psychiatrist recommended it.

15/11/19 8:27:14

Jim the sign-writer's porn obsession has started to affect his work.

09/10/19 19:09:06

Oh shit, I've misread something again. Best I go and fish The Wolf out of the Thames.

09/10/19 13:35:45

"I have no pride."

06/10/19 12:30:19

Paws for thought.

06/09/19 19:00:54

Captioneers concoct a cunning plan to lure out The Wolf, so we can break his fingers.

05/09/19 7:00:10

"Ooo, that fabric does feel nice, I like your hair too, where do you get it done?"

"Coach! Sub!"

30/08/19 19:09:17

"Hey man, I probably shouldn't fly home tonight, is it OK if I crash here?"

21/08/19 11:00:21

"You're telling me nobody remembered the can opener?"

17/08/19 11:05:07

Turns out you can take a photo anywhere in the universe, with any number of strange alien creatures, and there will still be a bloody mannequin and a cat in it.

25/07/19 11:00:44

Maybe it was a bit drastic, but nobody notices his outie anymore.

23/07/19 7:16:00

"Nurse, you did switch the X-Ray machine off before you went to lunch, didn't you?"

27/06/19 7:08:54

The original Mickey Mouse Club had trouble standing.

13/06/19 7:02:39

The Society for Suicide Prevention decided to rethink its reverse-psychology advertising campaign.

11/06/19 19:27:54

Don't worry kid, all us captioneers are just as bemused as you.

10/06/19 9:24:58

"Hello police? Ignore my last call. While I was telling you about the strange man taking my photo, a tiger jumped through the window and ate him, so everything's fine."

18/05/19 7:05:56

Thanks to sex education in schools, storks have a lot more spare time these days.

10/05/19 11:00:14

"Put that back you little shit. My penis is not a raygun!"

10/05/19 7:11:49

"And tomorrow it will be raining men."

17/04/19 7:01:38

Sylvia sensuously slipped out of her red lace dress. For a moment Fabio stood motionless, staring at her beautiful naked body, then he proudly uncaged his prize pecker.

07/04/19 12:51:05

No caption, just a message, and apologies for the lack of humour: I live just out of Christchurch, NZ, where a week ago some unspeakable moron took the lives of 50 Muslims for no other reason than they were different from him. I hope, if anything, this picture shows that we all are not that different.

21/03/19 12:26:41

lol

"Don't worry. The baby's fine. It's just playing in the sand pit."

"But we don't have a sand pit."

"You know. My sand pit. In the plastic tray."

15/03/19 12:53:56

"DON'T pull the chain!"

05/03/19 12:29:59

lol

Even if you take extreme measures to masturbate in private, some bugger is still likely to catch you at it.

16/02/19 21:27:45

"It's a sext from Catwoman. Time to dust off the old Batpole!"

07/02/19 20:27:47

Damn Sat Nav.

14/01/19 20:07:42

Yes, he is an arsehole, Sleeping Beauty, but at least it isn't Prince Andrew.

Mon 20:07:20

Manilyn Manroe

26/11/24 8:01:38

F is for Phonetic

23/11/24 8:03:13, edited: 23/11/24 8:08:26

clever

"Normally I don't approach girls on the beach, but I can tell by those bare elbows that you're a total skank."

22/11/24 8:07:07, edited: 22/11/24 8:17:10

Duncan was always surprised by the things that fell out of his kilt.

18/11/24 8:39:14

"Oh, I get it. You're replacing me with Peter Cap-aldi."

16/11/24 20:03:19, edited: 16/11/24 20:09:13

"And that, son, is how baby limousines are made."

15/11/24 20:00:57

"So, I tell them they can just hop across the lily pads. Stupid white rabbits fall for it every time."

07/11/24 20:05:37

"Hmmn, sounds like it needs a tune up."

03/11/24 12:08:22

Caught short

26/10/24 19:02:20

2001: A Space Odd Daisy

21/07/24 19:27:24, edited: 21/07/24 19:48:03, suggested edits

Doubts raised over Trump's Secret Service team.

15/07/24 19:07:03

2025 - Rishi's new career as an artist is going as well as his last.

05/07/24 7:04:24, edited: 05/07/24 7:35:46

...and with that, 23 Captioneers' heads exploded.

05/07/24 7:00:58

Bridle picture

03/07/24 19:04:52, edited: 03/07/24 19:12:19

Pumpkhan

09/06/24 19:09:43, edited: 09/06/24 19:10:55

"Sleeping Fruity? Sorry, wrong aisle, Prince."

08/06/24 7:07:18, edited: 08/06/24 7:12:42

At least he's well bread.

05/06/24 7:00:45

"Ok, Steve, well done. You do have more stamina than Dave."

24/05/24 19:39:50

Ah, 2 minutes and no captions. I see the "Peeping Tom" blocker is working.

16/05/24 7:02:32

The Good, the Bad, and the Ollie

09/05/24 7:02:32

"Look, you're not fat, I just said that because you made fun of my hat."

22/04/24 7:02:46, edited: 22/04/24 7:07:20

"So, Dave, let me explain to you how 'Casual Friday' is supposed to work..."

02/04/24 11:04:09, edited: 02/04/24 11:07:23

"Grout, Dave. Fill in the cracks with grout."

28/03/24 20:03:50, edited: 28/03/24 20:09:54

Just Marrowed

26/03/24 20:00:50

"Hi, honey, I'm home. Weirdest thing. I just saw Gulliver running down the road with no pants on."

11/03/24 20:01:24

"Do you have any bone marrows?"

10/03/24 8:01:27

Barbara, after a lifetime of coating her body in sunblock, but neglecting to ever put any on her face.

14/01/24 20:04:42

"100% of test subjects have survived return journeys ... excluding those who were wearing red jerseys."

30/12/23 20:30:58

I think it's sad when childhood celebrities get into drugs, lose their looks, and end up making B-grade horror movies. Like what happened with Zippy.

12/12/23 8:06:58, edited: 12/12/23 8:09:50

Picked her up. Peeled her off. Got fruity. Then she split.

11/12/23 8:20:10

"Oh, Dave, I love you so much. Don't ever change."

03/12/23 8:59:16

Hindsight is 20/20, unfortunately.

25/11/23 8:28:10

Diplospockus

18/11/23 20:00:45

"Lovely to meet you too, only next time, please don't bow."

11/10/23 19:05:27

"I don't suppose you could stop screaming and pass me some loo paper?"

11/09/23 11:59:58

"Right-o, Mr. Jones, would you like to cut the umbilical cord? And did you bring a chainsaw?"

17/08/23 19:21:35

Frill Seekers

27/07/23 19:07:01

lol

I Hate Cats, Trick #13:

-Use cat hair to craft fake kitty
-Place fake kitty on index finger
-Load up middle finger under thumb
-Wait for cat to sniff fake kitty
-Violently release middle finger

17/07/23 7:12:07, edited: 17/07/23 7:13:30

Parkyderm

16/07/23 11:16:18

Cabbage Patch Kids were a lot cuter than Cabbage Patch Grown-ups.

11/07/23 7:01:31

Training is intense for the World Championship of Rude Gestures.

10/07/23 19:04:10

"I don't care if you want to carry on with this pantomime, Dave, but if you say you'll 'come home at 20 to 1' I'm divorcing you."

05/07/23 19:36:02

I hear Schrödinger is offering even odds.

04/07/23 11:08:43

Coppers beating up another helpless victim.

{Edited as my first copper pun was dreadful. So is this one, but it's less dreadful. Slightly}

30/06/23 7:01:58, edited: 30/06/23 7:12:52

Next time you're offered a free hair removal, rubdown, and sauna, read the fine print.

28/06/23 7:19:21

Anybody else have the Munchies?

21/06/23 7:01:02

"We're nearly at the ark, Billy," said Noah's wife. "Hurry up and kick one overboard."

20/06/23 11:06:49, edited: 20/06/23 11:25:42

Cats of the Day

19/06/23 7:01:29

"...and this is another one of the back of President Trump's head," said Margaret, the world's worst photographer.

17/06/23 19:21:24

"Hey, little fella. Will you pose for a photo before I smash you with a huge mallet?"

"Huh?"

13/06/23 19:08:01, edited: 13/06/23 19:08:18

Peoplechase

30/05/23 19:01:05

I'M TURNED ON

28/05/23 7:00:13, edited: 28/05/23 7:04:45

-"I've got nothing."
-"Would it help if I told you his chilly bin contained meals?"
-"Nope."
-"And that his vehicle is on wheels?"
-"Nope, still nothing."

Some people just aren't cut out to be Captioneers.

04/05/23 19:23:54

Nobody mentions the larval form of Teletubbies.

08/04/23 20:01:41

Relax, it's table.

29/03/23 11:12:25

I don't want to mention Schrödinger, but that cat is both alive and deered.

15/03/23 8:04:53

"I don't care if you're blind, sir, that bloody dog isn't coming into the museum again."

06/03/23 20:18:17

clever

Elvis has left the team building.

25/02/23 12:01:34, edited: 25/02/23 14:04:22

Dave was later slammed on social media for taunting the race's one legged participant.

25/02/23 8:16:36

"IBM? Sounds like a terrible investment."

20/02/23 20:07:01, edited: 20/02/23 20:22:08

Oh dear, the last time Tiger sunk his black balls in the corner pocket he ended up divorced.

20/02/23 8:02:33

creative

"All right, class of '61, I hope you've learnt your lesson. Never play with Superglue."

15/02/23 20:19:57, edited: 15/02/23 20:30:39

***Free Mattress Protector With Every Bed Sold***

06/02/23 20:05:28