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“All three of them have chips on their shoulder.”

13/02/22 8:14:00

“It’s only fair Jane, if I win this time I’ll bite a bit of your ear off.”

04/02/22 13:02:51

“You can’t parp there.”

30/01/22 20:02:48

He knows how to turn the electric fence on.

29/01/22 8:31:47

“I’ve got osteospermum, perennials, coleus and cineraria.”
“Bloody hell, shouldn’t you go and see a Doctor about that?”

23/01/22 13:02:07

"Bloody hell, no wonder he didn't sell any."

20/01/22 20:31:26

“Honey, there’s something wrong with that Violin I bought Susan on Friday, she’s been practising all weekend and she still can’t play it.”

16/01/22 20:08:15

“It’s your lucky day blind people, it’s all in braille.”

15/01/22 20:11:17

“Has anyone seen my Lacrosse racket?”

14/01/22 12:10:37

The annual Quadriplegic Ladies eating competition is under way.

10/01/22 8:17:26

Ask for Phil MacCavity.

08/01/22 8:16:57

"That reminds me, I was going to make bird's nest soup tonight."

04/01/22 12:20:58

"Message for a Miss Harcourt, the drop off area is situated outside the Airport Terminal."

23/12/21 8:00:12

“He’s a practicing Muslim.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means he hasn’t got it quite right yet.”

19/12/21 20:11:22

"Maternity ward please and could you hurry, I can feel the head."

18/12/21 8:16:20

Joe was a 20/20 a day man.

11/12/21 20:33:05

Air of the Dog.

03/12/21 20:01:08

Tony squawk

29/11/21 12:17:11

Tan Hill Inn landlord and wife.

29/11/21 8:09:51

Couch potadoze

21/11/21 20:19:46

"Which idiot hired these two for our next Gogglebox season?"

21/11/21 20:11:36

"You know I'm against this breast reduction op."
"Yeah but look, I have to wear two bras to keep them up."
"I know."

20/11/21 8:17:32

Bose Cat

19/11/21 12:12:42

"It's my party and I'll die if I want to."

19/11/21 8:34:32

Jerry Springer and Brains from Thunderbirds dolls get put into the wrong boxes.

14/11/21 20:13:35

Make sure you're a good distance away when Silverbacks are feeding.

11/11/21 8:02:55

Never wrestle with Huskies after applying suntan oil.

11/11/21 8:00:14

"Dad, why did you name my sisters Flowers Blooming and Running Two Lambs?"
"Because that was what was happening at the time they were named, Two Cats Shagging."

07/11/21 12:21:43

"I see they haven't given Alec Baldwin a gun this time."

28/10/21 20:31:09

"Look at that mess you've all left, where's your pride?"

24/10/21 7:41:34

"Damn, we've been caught, I told you we should of worn balaclavas instead of eye masks."

18/10/21 11:13:54

Professional cyclists were much more drag resistant these days.

13/10/21 7:00:11

The bank robbers didn't get a way with any cash but they did get a free cuddly toy.

11/10/21 11:21:59

"Quiiiiiick ...Marsh!"

09/10/21 7:15:29

Billy Ocean

04/10/21 19:15:13

2019 London Marathon charity runner still hasn't found the finish line.

28/09/21 11:24:38

"Mum, all the pages are blank apart this one bit that says 'I ain't gotta clue, I had an extremely rich Daddy.'"

26/09/21 22:08:34

Supper hero

23/09/21 7:04:11

"Uh Sir, I would recommend slicing the watermelon into segments first."

16/09/21 11:24:31

"OK Constable, take him away now, we've got a good idea of where they've hidden the Coke."

07/09/21 12:28:18

Hang M high

02/09/21 19:34:34

"A baby's bootie again? can't we form something exciting like a supersonic jet or a galloping horse?"

17/08/21 19:32:37

"Don't know what you're laughing at, that looks nothing like a Mouse."

15/08/21 19:00:12

Joan, 90.

14/08/21 19:18:22

"He was the obvious choice because he loves all the multi-coloured flashing lights and the doors that go 'shhhhhh'"

12/08/21 11:28:49

"Would you like some Coke to go with that?"

08/08/21 19:59:26

"Can we have another run through please ..... "

05/08/21 19:26:23

"What do you think kids?"
"Pass us the sick bucket."

03/08/21 11:37:24

"Is that it's full name?"
"Maori less."

02/08/21 19:48:05

"Albino part of this."

02/08/21 11:13:01

A roaring trade.

24/07/21 19:10:26

Got him, thought Nancy Sinatra.

22/07/21 19:10:52

Radogs

19/07/21 7:41:53

"I'm going to Dole out some punishment."

20/06/21 19:04:41

"Wayne, could you unscrew this pickle jar lid for me please."
"Sorry love, I'm not strong enough."

17/06/21 19:45:17

Nice bird.

15/06/21 7:52:15

"You two, we need to take evasive action."
"Why, what is it?"
"It's a fast and effective maneuver made intentionally to avoid colliding with another vehicle but that's not important right now."

12/06/21 19:08:33

"Hurry up you lot, I need a piss."

11/06/21 8:11:50

"I brought you a box of Milk Tray."

24/05/21 7:58:48

Sandsquatch

22/05/21 19:00:34

Clever chick

21/05/21 19:15:33

"They should get rid of them, they spread diseases, the bloody pigeons are pests too."

19/05/21 11:15:17

Black Beered.

18/05/21 19:32:06

"Religion now, Sunni is one major denomination of Islam, can someone write down the name of the other?"

18/05/21 11:36:15

"I spent my ninth life during this bloody pandemic, I can't wait for my tenth."

13/05/21 11:15:36

"My boyfriend's a Police Officer as well Ma'am."

10/05/21 19:09:03

"Overtake then you stupid Fokker."

08/05/21 11:59:11

"Hurry up Sharon, my bum needs a good scratch as well."

06/05/21 11:25:31

"You could pull a hooker without money mate, Rugby players aren't blessed with good looks themselves."

04/05/21 19:00:18

"So Torville can fly after all."

01/05/21 19:09:23

The new Pringles logo was coming on well.

30/04/21 19:24:08

"Bill Clinton in the White House Norah?"
"I did but he wouldn't pay it."

28/04/21 7:20:32

Colt in the act.

27/04/21 7:20:08

"Don't Mum, he'll only go down holding his ankle."

21/04/21 11:48:53

Lobster Risque

13/04/21 19:00:11

"I know it's been a long time since I've seen you Grandma but I still have to insist, no tongues."

10/04/21 7:20:52

"Wearing a mask alone is like being on your own in bed with a condom on."

02/04/21 19:00:10

"Bloody oom pah pah's all the bloody time, there's got to be a tune in here somewhere."

24/03/21 20:20:00

"Oi, keep off the brass."

24/03/21 20:14:33

"IKEA security, could you come up to the bedding section please."

12/03/21 20:31:48

"Don't worry Zoe, we'll get it off before he wakes up, I found some bleach in the bathroom."

11/03/21 12:29:14

"Do you have much experience?"
"Well, I studied Art in 2020."

08/03/21 12:20:40

"Stay away from me, you spread diseases."
"Ha, ha, this from someone who was made by a Human."

05/03/21 12:49:35

Peenot grigio

02/03/21 20:30:43

Alex Salmond makes his way to Holyrood with his evidence.

28/02/21 8:00:42

"Every time I turn the power on his beard grows another six inches, perhaps we should try the lethal injection instead."

24/02/21 20:26:26

"Get your stinking paws off me, you damn ...... that feels good."

21/02/21 8:19:37

"Typical, the day I get abducted by Aliens is the day I chose to wear a checked shirt."

17/02/21 12:08:21

"You've made a mistake, I'm male ... "
"What did you say?"
"Uhh, nothing."

14/02/21 20:00:13

"I bet he wished he worked in a Greek restaurant."

09/02/21 20:11:15

Keep to the right.

05/02/21 20:25:53

"Hey, kids, where'd this welding kit come from ... and what's happened to my eBike?"

03/02/21 8:32:08

Where did I put my new hat, thought Lady Gaga.

02/02/21 12:18:37

"Careful out on the street son, it's a juggle out there."

02/02/21 8:03:47

A public inconvenience

01/02/21 12:00:41

" ....and we get z list celebrities to sing and a panel of y list celebrities to guess who they are."
"Give us a break, that'll even make The bloody Voice look good."

31/01/21 20:10:00

Row out the barrel

30/01/21 8:06:58

"Let me atom."

29/01/21 12:43:12

Liz scarves out a way of making a living.

23/01/21 8:27:48

Yule tide

21/01/21 8:25:58