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	The relationship soon crumbled. 07/05/22 11:04:47	5

	Gone a stray. 27/04/22 19:05:05	5

	"Your feet are revolting." 27/04/22 7:02:26	5

	Sadly, the exhibition bombed. 27/03/22 19:44:53	5

	So that's why he and his wife just decided to shit in the bed. 12/03/22 12:00:28	5

	Police eventually caught the pervert then grilled him. 11/03/22 14:31:23	5

	You can't beat a contraceptive sponge. 20/02/22 9:05:14	5

	"Aren't you going to get your wife a drink?" "I took her one outside to the car four hours ago" 19/02/22 12:23:00	5

	"Those were the days.. I miss Woollies on the High Street" 12/02/22 20:07:46	5

	They keep trotting over to the far-right. 05/02/22 8:08:39	1 5
They love to Trotsky. --Willie Johnson
	"Dave, what heat did you tumble dry the dog on?" 29/01/22 8:01:41	5

	"Where are we heading?" "Overdose hills." 27/01/22 12:14:51	5

	"I think I'm going in the bong direction." 27/01/22 12:00:16	5

	She'll soon be fast asleep. 21/01/22 20:26:59	1 5
Yeah she looks like she could drop off any second. --Tony S
	Well Mrs Claus complains that his pants have terrible skid Marx. 30/12/21 20:22:30	1 5

	Like his eyes, Dave prefers to roll his own. 11/12/21 20:10:15	5

	"Goodness - is it that tine already?" 04/12/21 8:46:36	5

	Dave suddenly spotted his mistress approaching, pushing a pram. 28/11/21 12:01:57	5

	Mainly Airfix. 24/11/21 20:00:21	5

	"Hey, that's my book!" "Possession is nine-tenths of the law" 18/11/21 20:00:33	1 5
If that's so, we need more exorcists. Too many people are getting possessed by the law --Glyn Evans
	I'd prefer a bit of Francis Bacon. 13/11/21 8:06:52	5

	"More teats, vicar?" 06/11/21 20:13:08	5

	They should win on paper. 05/11/21 12:05:39	5

	Dave's busy working on the cheese sauce. 05/11/21 8:00:29	5

	The life of Pi r². 04/11/21 20:00:08	5

	"Next week I'll be testing you on Class A drugs. If you don't get them all right, you'll be doing lines." 20/10/21 19:11:29	5

	"Ok Sir, I'll just take your waste measurement" 28/09/21 11:08:04	5

	"What do you mean, a large anvil just fell on him?" 25/09/21 7:06:44	5

	Looks paw quality to me. 24/09/21 7:21:10	5

	I love a bitch who can fit my balls in her mouth. 13/09/21 19:00:15	5

	Dasher cam footage 04/09/21 11:00:22	1 5
🎅 --Scrijjy Doo
	"I've shit myself" declared the party pooper. 12/08/21 7:01:18	5

	It's best not to shout 'winner winner chicken dinner' to a vegan. 07/08/21 7:21:12	5

	It's very unwise for middle-aged people to play knock and run. 31/07/21 19:34:44	5

	"What a howler!" 27/07/21 19:04:23	5

	Bi-curious George 08/07/21 19:01:15	5

	I always use a fisheye lens. 07/07/21 11:16:04	5

	Pissing Sid 23/06/21 7:00:07	5

	"They think it's all over.. it is now" 22/06/21 19:02:31	5

	The Diary of Anne Frankel 11/06/21 11:25:59	5

	The early bird catches the worm. 09/06/21 11:41:14	5

	RIPe. 30/05/21 19:08:46	5

	"What would you say to a little goblin?" "Maybe in a few years, Harry." 22/05/21 12:03:08	5

	"Call the RSPB immediately. I'm sure those budgies can't breathe." 22/05/21 7:00:53	5

	"Heston, we have a problem" 21/05/21 19:03:21	5

	From Beer to Maternity 18/05/21 7:00:45	5

	He always fixes the car when gymkhana 17/05/21 14:23:50	5

	Maid in Japan 01/05/21 11:09:40	5

	She'll soon be a mummy. 20/04/21 7:38:12	5

	Her other car's a Larder. 11/04/21 9:11:04	5

	He knows how to get pulses racing. 27/03/21 12:16:56	5

	Yam-aha! 27/03/21 12:00:16	5

	Box camera 23/03/21 12:03:57	5

	This kind of thing is sole-destroying. 19/03/21 13:00:56	5

	"If I hear 'Baby Shark' just one more time.." 16/03/21 20:02:45	5

	"I wish he'd hurry up. I want to give my bone a decent burial." 13/03/21 8:09:07	5

	"It doesn't look very big." "We had A Touch of Frost last night." 09/03/21 8:20:51	5

	Police believe this to be the getaway vehicle used by the notorious gangster, Scarf Face. 22/02/21 20:14:55	5

	I wouldn't put that in my trap. 16/02/21 12:16:08	1 5
"Oh come on, it's fresh" --Glyn Evans
	When making international calls, please remember to SHOUT and speak very slowly. 16/02/21 8:05:55	1 5
Yes because the first step to being understood is speaking even louder than before and constant repetition. If they didn't get it the first time they should totally get it the four hundredth and twenty sixth time, it comes naturally to any foreig... --Glyn Evans
	Government announces plans to forcibly remove and relocate unimaginative captioneers. 15/02/21 12:00:53	3 5
You're gonna need a bigger boat --Mark Wilson
	Sting would be waiting decades before he got a reply. 10/02/21 8:03:06	5

	Bloom with a View 23/01/21 20:03:53	5

	"It's no good. I canardly stand up in these things." 21/01/21 20:12:34	5

	"Swig?" "No, it's my own hair." 13/01/21 20:18:47	5

	"Here comes Mummy with the boobies!" 05/01/21 20:01:45	5

	Burns Night 02/01/21 21:53:22	5

	"Sir, we've found a few nuggets too." 31/12/20 12:34:19	5

	Not wanted any moor. 29/12/20 20:00:39	5

	Get rid of the battery! 18/12/20 8:21:49	5

	"Would you like more of the letter T, vicar?" 17/12/20 16:04:54	5

	"Mum, he's eating ursine!" 30/10/20 8:00:08	5

	The fruits of my labour. 16/10/20 7:19:01	5

	Meanwhile there's trouble at pepper mill 03/10/20 20:18:33	5

	"Any other business? Yeah, I think I've done some in my pants." 26/09/20 11:06:31	5

	Groundhog Day for Craptioneers 13/09/20 19:17:43	5

	He's popped his Kellogg's 09/09/20 19:10:09	5

	He lead them into battle. 30/08/20 11:26:40	5

	Captioneers Arm Wrestling Competition Winner can choose one from the following: (a) mannequin; (b) cat; (c) copy of Gulliver's Travels; (d) date with Dave. 20/08/20 11:01:16	2 5
All participants get a complimentary tube of superglue and may take a fence if they like (or don't like). --Willie Johnson
	Scaredy cats 13/08/20 11:28:16	5

	"Now let's remove his testicles. That's a whole new ball game." 07/08/20 8:34:10	5

	Boris's dog trying to organise a piss up in a brewery. 01/08/20 7:14:54	5

	Well she did fall for his pickup lines. 30/07/20 11:02:43	5

	This was in my fortune cookie before I became a nun. 20/07/20 19:07:07	5

	"You do realise this is Caption.me and somebody will put a cat among us..?" 19/07/20 7:14:20	5

	"I'm just putting the bubbles in now, M'Lady" 17/07/20 8:03:27	5

	Water Polo 14/07/20 19:00:46	5

	Message from beyond the grave. 04/07/20 12:14:58	5

	She used to be a sex cymbal 25/06/20 11:03:06	5

	Groucho Barks 06/06/20 7:00:08	5

	June? 29/05/20 19:00:51	5

	Lemon drizzle 23/05/20 19:00:10	5

	Gangs of bike thieves target lone bulls cycling to work. 12/05/20 19:16:40	5

	"You've got bookworms." 03/05/20 7:30:03	5

	Ursa Minor 17/04/20 7:16:18	5

	Now you've wet your pants. 14/04/20 11:36:54	5

	"You're right. It's a jungle out there." 14/04/20 7:22:19	5

	Taste buds 11/04/20 7:14:29	5

	"I'll give it a whirl." 09/04/20 11:04:18	5

	Mend your ways. 08/04/20 19:05:36	2 5
Nice. --Scrijjy Doo

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