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Anne of Green Vegetables

06/02/24 20:12:56

"I didn't MEAN to trip him up and why's he creeping around in the dark? Well, he won't be wanting these now so don't mind if I do..."

03/02/24 8:11:50

Rockcot launcher

19/01/24 8:42:33

"It looks to me, Sir, that you need more than epee."

15/01/24 8:19:07

"So she's filled out a little and a bit wrinkly, she is sixty four."

12/01/24 8:07:03

The new emergency evacuation procedure caused quite a stink.

06/01/24 20:45:36

WhizzAir

06/01/24 20:11:02

Must be Poleland.

20/12/23 8:04:08

The chocolate alpaca behind just wouldn't stop nibbling her bum

15/12/23 8:50:35, edited: 15/12/23 8:55:34

"Have to give him credit, didn't think he'd manage the job but he's earned his stripes."

14/12/23 20:16:38

"Well, I was gonna just give them a quick lick but the boss insisted."

14/12/23 20:06:03

"I'm not eating that shite!"

11/12/23 12:01:24

He's beginning to flag.

10/12/23 20:26:33

"...and just 'ere I shall paint some 'appy little feesh."

09/12/23 12:14:31

Hmph! Must've been the slippers and newspaper I ate for elevenses.

04/12/23 15:02:04

"...and that's why I don't bank with Lloyds"

04/12/23 8:16:59

He was struck by fork lightning

26/11/23 12:02:59

"Have you any idea how difficult it is to buy rubber gloves with extra fingers?"

24/11/23 12:02:55

Watch without Mother

22/11/23 20:04:09

The contract with Andrex having ended the pups move on to Fairy liquid

20/11/23 8:29:17

"Okay, which one's Lance-a-tot?"

19/11/23 20:12:56, edited: 20/11/23 7:04:58, suggested edits

Harm chair

10/11/23 13:30:34

"At least keep it UNDER the mattress, Nan."

09/11/23 12:03:23

There's just no escaping the wife's earth shattering conversation

08/11/23 8:47:55

A cut above the average scissors

06/11/23 20:04:38

Flaming gnawer

05/11/23 20:17:11

"Eh...it's a box, right? I will gets inside."

05/11/23 12:19:20

"Double or squits"

03/11/23 20:10:20

"The containment dome appears to be working."

01/11/23 20:25:12

"...and they even shut your gate afterwards."

31/10/23 8:15:48

"No, Dave... NO! Remember what happened last time we picked up a bunch of hitchhikers?"

28/10/23 13:23:18

"Before we start could you tell me how much you charge, Doctor Van de Graaff?"

27/10/23 14:21:31

"These days you get all sorts window cleaning."

25/10/23 19:42:53

"I don't like to think of the tanks being cold."

25/10/23 7:12:13

Normally, when you're all at work and school I do my circuit training. So just sit still, Mandy.

21/10/23 7:37:32

I'll check for a soggy bottom later

19/10/23 19:21:31

"Hello...? Hello? Yes, will you accept a reverse charge call from ET?"

15/10/23 7:16:36

"God, I'm gasping for a fag, girls. Let's go to The Nag's Head for a few pints when we're done here and pull some fit blokes for a shag."

14/10/23 7:55:39, edited: 14/10/23 7:57:59

clever

"It's no good, I'm egg-bound."

12/10/23 12:04:38

"Do you? Then we should get together some time, I'll give you a tinkle."

10/10/23 13:11:37

My old man the day he lost his hat.

10/10/23 7:32:33, edited: 11/10/23 20:54:57, suggested edits

"He was a good-for-nothing layabout so I binned him."

10/10/23 7:10:37, edited: 10/10/23 7:59:06

For a change lap cat goes out dancing

09/10/23 7:50:29

Wax and Wayne

07/10/23 20:27:43

"Ew! Put your trousers back on...you're frightening my pussy."

28/09/23 19:22:08

"Yay, the weekend. I get to watch the siblings at ballet, football and karate and then a visit to the old dear's to be slathered in lipstick."

22/09/23 18:07:20, edited: 22/09/23 18:21:36

Package holiday

11/09/23 8:44:54

French arrest gang of people smugglers at Calais

11/09/23 7:11:01, edited: 11/09/23 7:12:04

Dave the Dummy in the distance: 'Me next, me next!'

10/09/23 19:18:20

Billion dollar man

10/09/23 7:08:41

"...and ever since then I've always tried to go around trees."

06/09/23 11:51:09

"We've got a fast car, babe, fancy coming for a spin...? Hmph! Thought not."

30/08/23 20:11:57

"It's the guy next to the white car I feel for. He got well and truly flattened!"

30/08/23 11:12:40, edited: 30/08/23 11:51:43

PS: Should this disabled, elderly, pregnant child wish to use the facility please remove the cellophane.

25/08/23 7:06:51

One thing's for sure it'll be back to haunt us

20/08/23 11:09:09

"Would you like a lift? Hop in."

15/08/23 7:26:13

Very striking

14/08/23 19:10:12

Horse power

13/08/23 19:17:26

"Annie, get your skates on."

05/08/23 11:07:37

A woof sketch

03/08/23 7:16:24

'...and to give it a little kick, a sprinkle of catnip'

01/08/23 9:23:42

I was palmed off with this

29/07/23 19:47:16

"Desist from filming me, you blaggard, or I will thrash you with my baguette."

15/07/23 15:42:41

"Sorry, Dave. I've been using that to scratch my bum."

13/07/23 19:20:53

"I was a bit late getting organized for the prom and there was only this one left."
"You mean the jacket?"
"Erm, no."

07/07/23 19:17:45

All's fair in love and Star Wars

06/07/23 19:32:38

"Dave's so funny, Doreen. He says he's designing a phone we can carry around in our purses!"

03/07/23 20:01:29

"Jeeves, remind me to fire you when we return to the castle. I asked for the champagne to be served in flutes not flumes."

02/07/23 7:52:23, edited: 02/07/23 7:58:52

After dating them all Davina settled with Thing.

21/06/23 19:13:43

"You think I'm overdoing it with the wig, don't you?"

14/06/23 11:11:48

"Meowve on, pal. I'm the kit of this castle."

14/06/23 7:10:05

"Couldn't you have made a more discreet eye patch?"

11/06/23 19:52:23

They are used for porridge whilst doing time.

07/06/23 11:19:46

"...and that's why peep toe shoes were invented."

06/06/23 19:01:07

What brand is it?
Lavassa

03/06/23 13:02:55

"I bought this for me and the wife to enjoy days out together. Thought it'd bring us closer together."

02/06/23 7:03:03

"Well hellooooo Kitty"

29/05/23 8:22:25

Councillors deny attempts to cover up pothole crisis

24/05/23 19:13:52

"That's Karmel Chameleon, she comes and goes." 🎵

13/05/23 7:00:20

Some customers use it as a cure for le mal de dough

12/05/23 7:23:49

You don't want to know where he keeps the cheese

12/05/23 7:06:38

They're Finnish

11/05/23 7:15:42

"And that's where I disposed of my chewing gum... all three packets."

08/05/23 19:00:15

"I'm so hot, could you fetch me a Slush Puppy, please?"

30/04/23 19:01:03

"We don't let him go in the kitchen now. At first, we thought he was greedy because he was always hugging the fridge."

26/04/23 11:26:50, edited: 26/04/23 11:36:29

The earliest known prosthetic hand was a trifle cumbersome.

14/04/23 13:40:36

He absolutely loves the Bay City Rollers

13/04/23 7:08:49

Up on the roof 🎵

11/04/23 11:01:52, edited: 11/04/23 11:02:30

The Jackson's youngest daughter was never the same after being attacked by a raven.

06/04/23 11:10:14, edited: 06/04/23 11:10:27

"Are you sure you can't remember which one has your tea in it, Jenny?"

05/04/23 19:05:04

"James, the fruit is gathered together so that you can ahem... punnet."

31/03/23 11:58:12, edited: 31/03/23 11:59:14

A king does not expect to be kept waiting on the phone. Tut, tut, tut!

29/03/23 7:06:49

"Nooo, I'll pass on tip-toeing through those tulips, thanks."

25/03/23 20:11:51

The Boys are Blue

12/03/23 20:19:14

Just another squirrel off its trolley

11/03/23 20:00:16

"I call these my Wanda-ers."

08/03/23 8:09:54, edited: 08/03/23 8:11:10

Everyone agreed the birth was a Triumph.

03/03/23 12:48:02

It was a rubbish job being in charge of Gulliver's urine sample

28/02/23 20:33:06, edited: 28/02/23 20:49:17

Working holiday

11/02/23 20:27:06

You may laugh but she never falls over

10/02/23 8:19:09