"... and I went with white, because it's neutral and doesn't distract from my hair, which you'll notice I've brushed back this evening and liberally applied Brylcreem, as it enhances my natural lustre and makes it shine, not unlike my shoes, which I had polished especially, which I think is important as it highlights my footwork, which you may notice is exceptional due to my many years of dance training ... but anyway, enough about me ..."

28/07/21 19:54:07

A big pussy peeping out of ripped jeans ... Tina?

24/07/21 19:57:34

"I'm just going to nip down the store for some bog roll. Anybody want anything?"

"Cornetto."

17/07/21 19:17:52

"Hi, my name is Dave. My interests include musical theatre and taxidermy."

15/07/21 19:10:38

"Yes, that was a bee, and yes, I am going into anaphylactic shock. Puth down tfhee phuthin campheera anth helphhh..."

07/07/21 7:07:51

"Ah, honey, you know how Mittens likes to drink from the toilet..."

23/06/21 7:21:08

I searched this, and now Google is displaying ads for 12 inch dildos and glow in the dark butt-plugs.

Once again, thank-you caption.me

16/06/21 19:14:11

Schrödinger's dog wasn't as lucky.

05/06/21 19:59:03

"Tonight, on Fantasy Death Match, Polar Bear versus Steam Roller!"

20/05/21 7:02:13

... and never again did scorpions go near Vlad the Impaler's castle.

14/05/21 19:43:45

"Tink, what have I told you about giving kids Pixie dust?"

03/05/21 7:08:42

"Should I write a fresh and original caption, or should I re-write one that did really well last month? Tough choice ... maybe I'll just write on my brother instead."

16/04/21 21:11:09

"Hmmn, you're not a bad kisser Flipper, but what's that on your breath? Blowfish?"

"I most certainly do not."

15/04/21 11:33:14

What's the difference between Tina from Doncaster and the Eiffel Tower?

Not everyone's been up the Eiffel Tower.

14/04/21 23:25:35

...and then she was arrested by the Grammar Police.

11/04/21 19:03:32

"Your horse is amazing, but how do you get off?"

"Well, if you really must know, I mostly masturbate."

23/03/21 8:02:16

And the Greek goddesses were sad, and they wept, because all the mighty caption voters had died.

19/03/21 9:38:00

Rowan Atkindaughter.

27/02/21 12:00:10

Colour matching your bra with your dress is a good idea, but being from Essex, Jane also matched her knickers with her shoes.

26/02/21 8:17:15

"... and this is where premature babies come from."

25/02/21 20:01:04

No Victoria Beckham jokes please ... that's obviously Sporty Spice.

19/02/21 8:01:12

"You'd pull this face too if your bloody owner has been home for 5 weeks and you haven't had a chance to rub your balls on the carpet."

12/02/21 8:29:37

Nerve gas, funnier than superglue.

09/02/21 8:17:26

"YOU'RE upset with my goat genitalia? Try standing at a urinal next to the Minotaur."

20/01/21 20:15:56

"Your turn Susan, Truth or Dare?"

14/01/21 20:11:34

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Could the passenger from 17F please return to your seat. What you're doing isn't helpful."

14/01/21 20:04:48

Dave couldn't shake a strange feeling that he was being followed.

14/01/21 12:05:05

"Sorry to hear that. Have you tried using lubricant?"

12/01/21 14:08:14

Gollidog

30/12/20 20:28:26

"Well, the smarmy little prick kept saying 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man', so really, he had it coming."

11/12/20 8:07:58

It was no Citizen Kane, but Alien vs Barbie did have its moments.

26/11/20 20:57:29

After watching the dinosaurs roam earth for over 170 million years, God decided it was time to redecorate.

26/11/20 13:03:24

Phew, that was a lucky find for me ... not so lucky for the family of squirrels.

22/11/20 8:11:15

Does a bear shit in the wood?

22/11/20 8:00:09

"And I'm telling you, I CAN carry a coconut!"

18/11/20 20:10:36

Rhinos are crap at hide and seek.

08/11/20 18:26:23

lol

This tends to happen after menopause.

06/11/20 8:26:09

"Please, call me Bill. No, seriously, please call me Bill."

05/11/20 20:10:44

"Why the hell are you all staring at me? Do I have spinach in my teeth again?"

05/11/20 8:19:42

"Penguin! Seagull! Duck!"

04/11/20 20:00:25

"Stop the cart, I'm not feeling gourd."

01/11/20 8:21:55

"Ha ha, did your pants get ripped shagging some idiot on the carpet?"

"Ha ha, yes, your husband is a big fan of doggystyle."

Beer. It makes everything funny.

28/10/20 9:28:18

Dave's Stag Do was more of a Stag Don't.

26/10/20 8:02:11

"Dave, I think we're being followed."

10/10/20 19:15:12

Never accept a lift from Neil Armstrong.

24/09/20 9:32:51

"Banksy, please remove your latest piece, it's creeping me out."

23/09/20 7:19:20

I wish I'd ordered a coffee instead of this damn bowl of sugar.

09/09/20 7:31:08

"It's FIFA Jim, but not as we know it."

03/09/20 7:24:39

"Don't do it man! I'm sure somebody will vote for your caption!"

30/08/20 7:43:45

"I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said about the Pope."

"That was a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic."

"Yeah, I know she's Catholic ... I didn't know the Pope was."

[Nod, Ben Elton, Rik Mayall et al.]

29/08/20 19:27:43

Triplicat

[For the third time]

07/07/20 11:01:21

No matter the age gap or cultural difference, blondes can always have a conversation about shoes.

01/07/20 11:37:26

Jezuz Karyn, maybe take a day off captioning and wipe a dish cloth round your kitchen?

30/06/20 11:02:48

"Am I worried about Corona Virus? No, it's just my wife farts a lot."

24/06/20 19:06:28

Charge of the Light Lunch Brigade

22/06/20 19:14:57

This was bound to happen as soon as cats were banned from Caption.me

17/06/20 7:00:54

... then my wife was crushed by a Great Dane.

03/06/20 19:03:53

"So Kermit, I was mayor of New York for over a decade, my personal wealth exceeds 50 billion dollars, I recently ran for President of the USA, and I've given over 2 billion dollars to various charities. What have you done with your life?"

"I f*cked Miss Piggy."

20/05/20 7:11:11

The last time this picture came up my caption was crap ... nothing changes.

10/05/20 7:18:49

So that's why the odds were 1 to 100.

09/05/20 19:51:00

The leaning tower is oddly erect.

29/04/20 7:04:03

"If you don't turn that cap around the right way I swear to God I'll ..."

26/04/20 7:20:36

"Mmmm, look over there ... you fancy Captioneer for dinner?"

24/04/20 7:06:32

With trends like these, who needs enemas?

09/04/20 11:09:01

Even during self-isolation, black men feel a need to brag about the size of their penises.

27/03/20 20:09:50

For genuine tears, insert 9 volt battery in rear port.

27/03/20 12:41:35

Sit your pussy on my organ and I'll take it to outer space, baby.

10/03/20 12:02:57

Yes, it was horrific when the photographer's brains were splattered over the sidewalk, but at the other end of the zebra crossing a young Tarantino was inspired.

03/03/20 9:08:26

OK, so it's very sad that the stork got hit with a javelin, but spare a thought for the baby.

01/03/20 20:11:43

"For Christ's sake Gulliver, buy some Head & Shoulders."

24/02/20 20:08:10

"I don't know about this ... the time you tried to shoot that fly I lost half a thumb."

20/02/20 20:12:28

If you think cricket is hard to understand, try the national game of Uzbekistan.

16/02/20 20:00:23

It's an antechamber, hall, or lobby next to the outer door of a building ... but that's not important right now.

08/02/20 8:04:00

"I'm so glad we flew business class darling. I wouldn't want to be crammed back there in the rear."

03/02/20 20:23:58

It's practical jokes like this that prove dentists are the most hilarious people on the planet.

01/02/20 20:31:50

I envy dogs, take them for a run on the beach and they're in heaven. Whereas I need some class A drugs, at least five hundred quid, and a hooker with no morals named Candy.

29/01/20 8:08:30

Sex Bomb

28/01/20 20:14:49

Private Smith couldn't understand why he was always being posted overseas.

15/01/20 14:02:35

clever

I think the sculptor is suggesting that the Bronze Age was a pig eon.

15/01/20 9:14:39

"I'm wearing the bag because my last boyfriend made me, and now I can't look at myself in the mirror without it. The balloon was won for me by my daddy when I was six so I carry it everywhere to remind me of him. I know we've only just met, but I think I love you and I want to have your babies ... Hey wait, where are you going?"

12/01/20 8:27:42

"Hey kid, what's that your mum's got. Looks like a big red one ... Red one ... Red One, watch your back ... They're all over him ... He can't hold them ... Red One! Red One! Aaaagggh!"

PTSD affects everyone.

19/12/19 8:54:46

"No, I've never seen Princess Leia's boobs. And no, C-3P0 is not my gay lover ... Bloody kids these days."

19/12/19 8:31:18

"The Caption-voters are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers."

17/12/19 20:18:28

Somebody always falls for this prank at the seismologists' annual Christmas party.

17/12/19 12:16:57

Ken was unsure which look to go for on his Tinder profile, but he thought 70s porn-star couldn't fail.

14/12/19 20:04:14

It's refreshing to see a picture of Trump without his wig and makeup.

11/12/19 20:26:42

Colour coding helps identify Chernobyl workers should they die on the job, but their wives still like to keep an eye on them through binoculars from a safe distance.

10/12/19 8:29:25

African athletes are great runners, but they're crap at discus.

24/11/19 20:08:05

Any one else feel like there are way too many clothes in this picture?

21/11/19 20:41:48

"Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to ... oh, it's a banana."

12/11/19 13:56:00

I refuse to caption on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.

11/11/19 12:00:49

In an attempt to improve her public image, the Queen releases photos of her private life.

11/11/19 8:21:56

"Look Dave, I've kicked the bucket," said Dave's mate, causing Dave to erupt with laughter.

07/11/19 8:37:04

With all that money she should buy herself a decent set of headphones.

29/10/19 12:17:29

He was only a kid when his picture first appeared on Caption.me.

25/10/19 19:35:18

Holy crap, a Kenneth Konica picture that isn't of superheroes, sci-fi characters, or gay pride ... oh wait ... It's the Amazing Starcaptain Gaygoat isn't it?

25/10/19 19:32:59

Luckily there was a glass wall between the lion and gorilla enclosures.

20/10/19 19:16:48

The annual Mushroom family picnic ended in tragedy.

17/10/19 11:08:00

"Oh, you must be the organ donor. Mr Gulliver will be so pleased to see you."

08/10/19 12:07:37

*Free mannequin must be equally or less sexy than the least sexy of the originally purchased mannequins.

06/10/19 7:00:20