When you've just had new cream carpets fitted.

22/05/24 7:07:49

Drier stone wall

13/05/24 19:00:28

"There's bird flu about"

12/05/24 7:01:20

"Stop moaning or you'll go in one with a lid on like Rex."

01/05/24 7:01:48

It was demeaning, but since they banned fox hunting, work had been thin on the ground.

28/04/24 7:11:20

John, Paula, George and Pingo.

14/04/24 19:11:40

"Could you just explain again why you feel you should have custody over your daughter, Mr Smith?"

08/04/24 11:12:12

"Well how else am I going to be able to put my makeup on?"

08/04/24 7:19:55

Dave's family were beginning to think he would never take over the farm.

31/03/24 11:43:21

Disappointing. It's Easter, this should have been a Rabbit and then the eggs would have been bunny side up.

29/03/24 21:27:57

"So, I see you got the quote for the hearse Jock?"

21/03/24 20:07:02, edited: 21/03/24 20:09:49

"Should have brought the mountain bike."

17/03/24 20:08:19

"They're definitely looking stretched at the back, Gary."

16/03/24 13:51:06

"People say I'm barking."

09/03/24 8:13:25

"Sorry, we don't serve horses in here."

"That's okay, I wanted a pie."

06/03/24 20:03:01

It has a sticker on the back..."My other car is a Toyota MR2 with a Ferrari bodykit."

19/02/24 8:08:48

ON-line School of Fish.

14/02/24 20:01:22, edited: 14/02/24 21:40:15, suggested edits

"Looks like he'll be out 'til the end of the season."

14/02/24 12:05:39

"You should have seen the one that got a fray."

12/02/24 12:13:54

"So just run that past me again sir...exactly how fast were you going when you hit the speed bump?"

11/02/24 20:03:35, edited: 11/02/24 20:06:07

Can be purchased with optional Apple pallet truck to shift it out of your kitchen when it's replaced by the Apple Fridge 12 next week.

07/02/24 9:58:41

Ear worm

31/01/24 12:04:22

Every Ryanair flight someone has to indicate the number of miles they'll be landing from the destination on the ticket.

30/01/24 20:06:10

"How was I supposed to know the measurements were in millimetres and not metres?"

28/01/24 20:09:15

Bean there, pun that.

07/01/24 20:13:34

Putin's fascination with big Bazookas dated back to his first wedding.

27/12/23 21:23:56

On the plus side he took the Strava record by 48 seconds.

20/12/23 20:05:52

When you leave it until 23rd December.

01/12/23 12:06:36

That awkward moment when you turn up in the same outfit as your dealer.

23/11/23 8:07:30

"Spock!!! Be honest with me now...what happened between you and that dinosaur?"

18/11/23 20:05:33

"Don't do it mate!"

18/10/23 7:00:48

"...and when you grow up, your arses will be this wide."

15/10/23 19:37:30

"Oh, not shellfish again."

12/10/23 19:01:59

Photographic evidence of what had been long-supected, as a public schoolboy emerges fully formed from an egg deposited by an alien craft on a home counties street.

11/10/23 14:10:09, edited: 11/10/23 14:12:20

Disgraceful..suggesting the only people without a penis are women.

02/10/23 11:03:18

I'm glovin' it.

01/10/23 7:04:55

Hands across the tea.

30/09/23 19:17:04

"This is my pitch. Now piss off and take your shitty Spiderman act somewhere else."

30/09/23 11:23:39

Schmuck Hunt

30/09/23 7:49:58

The tooth fairy is going to need some bigger wings.

16/09/23 11:12:06

Star Spangled Scammer

08/09/23 19:07:44

Dave had always been an ass man

07/09/23 19:01:13

♬ It's raining men...♬

30/08/23 11:37:49

Dave was beginning to think he should have hooked the lock around part of his bike,

22/08/23 7:14:55

"Here's the deal...you don't mention Harry sodding Potter and you'll hear nothing about Long John Silver from me."

18/08/23 20:00:49

"Best thing I ever did putting those owner cameras in. He's watching 'Cash In The Attic' now."

09/08/23 7:11:27

How else would you cook street food?

02/08/23 11:10:27

"Dave, you know the cat dragged a mouse in last week..."

31/07/23 11:11:20

Marie Anne Baguette

26/07/23 11:11:14

Châteauneuf-du-P-Ape

17/07/23 17:15:04

It was Dave's first day, and now he understood why all the other cowboys got up early.

26/06/23 8:31:40

"My blazers? They're in the oven."

25/06/23 7:03:33

The Bliss Family Robinson

19/06/23 11:12:18

Some find a crock of gold at the end of the rainbow, others just get a crock of shit.

12/06/23 19:32:15

West Ham fan celebrates in style.

08/06/23 19:02:01

Sid took all of his girlfriends here on their first date to see how they reacted to an unexpected gush of liquid in the face.

08/06/23 7:02:52, edited: 08/06/23 7:10:31

"I really wanted it with the sunroof."

02/06/23 7:32:12

Boots by Ann Fibian

01/06/23 13:23:20

"Stop complaining son or I'll have you set on fire for the next run."

30/05/23 19:19:42

clever

Manager Roy Hodgson criticises poor defending.

21/05/23 7:28:00

“May the course be with you.”

16/05/23 19:00:15

"Let me down quick Dave, we've got the wrong bloody flat!"

15/05/23 7:15:44, edited: 15/05/23 13:09:39

Beryl had chosen the pattern for exactly the same reason - it doesn't show the stains if you throw up on it after a big night out.

13/05/23 7:14:51

Hairoflot

08/05/23 19:10:49

"I really don't think it's a euphemism Dave."

08/05/23 7:28:45

You've been framed!

07/05/23 19:06:35

...and then following the accident, he posed next to a Picasso.

02/05/23 7:00:43

"And Salesman Of The Year is....Steve Silvertongue from Station Safety Signage Ltd.

23/04/23 12:41:21

The Bleachedboys

20/04/23 11:58:03

"Why can't they just play Golf and get pissed up like all the other husbands."

14/04/23 17:46:00

Dave was furious. Someone had ruined his cake depicting a fresh cow pat in a field by adding eyes and teeth.

12/04/23 11:20:31

"I'm just checking....we get ALL this corn for those, right?"

12/04/23 7:40:07, edited: 12/04/23 7:43:34

Maybe agreeing to share pool time with the men's scuba class wasn’t a great idea after all.

10/04/23 11:00:17, edited: 10/04/23 11:01:39

Hopes of getting any more overs in before lunch were starting to fade.

10/04/23 7:00:14

It's so easy to mix up centimetres and metres when you're ordering a remote control boat on eBay.

09/04/23 19:02:43

The boldest swinger in town

08/04/23 11:01:38

Limp Biscuit

30/03/23 19:01:54, edited: 30/03/23 19:07:49

“Bloody hell, didn’t expect that to glow in the dark as well!”

28/03/23 11:00:16

Harmchair

27/03/23 11:02:30

Railway cuttings

25/03/23 8:00:22

"Bit better than the Izal job, this Reg. At least the paint sticks."

19/03/23 9:31:38

In Victorian times the drug squad had a much more relaxed approach to handling evidence.

12/03/23 20:03:06

Fuck Up Truck

10/03/23 12:00:16

"Alright, which one of you yelled Dumbo?"

07/03/23 9:56:07

Dave learned the hard way that an Alligator isn't someone making allegations.

05/03/23 8:34:28, edited: 05/03/23 9:10:08

Final proof moon landings faked as man jogging in a wizard outfit can clearly be seen reflected in astonaut's visor.

24/02/23 9:38:37

Dave had made an embarrassing mistake, but not as bad as the one he made at a college in Scunthorpe.

21/02/23 8:23:15

"What...you mean in the future I'll be an average weight?!"

20/02/23 20:27:03

"One lump or two?"

19/02/23 9:03:05

Judy had overdone the icing again.

16/02/23 8:19:22

A mattress and a girl…what else would you expect to see on a pick up truck?

06/02/23 20:00:16

Catavarius

06/02/23 12:00:17

Next stop Red Leicester Square.

03/02/23 12:00:16

"Why can't I be sponsored by Armani like the Kardashian kids, mum?"

03/02/23 8:09:52

"I hate stuff like this Denise...just creates unrealistic expectations of women's bodies we can never live up to."

28/01/23 8:36:25

When being ridiculed for your footwear simply isn't enough.

23/01/23 8:02:41

It’s 2030 and Harry is older, wiser, and with an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the American divorce court system.

22/01/23 20:00:18

Dave always used the same ice-breaker when introducing his unusual penis to a new girlfriend.

21/01/23 12:42:27

ADHD did exist in the early 20th century, but was dealt with by tieing the children together.

09/01/23 12:44:51

Darth Gaydar

27/12/22 20:04:04