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	On his wedding day Dave vowed to mend his ways 29/06/22 7:46:03	5

	I've been commissioned to do a piece for a Cathedral City. They wanted something holey. 25/06/22 7:35:27	5

	He likes to be photographed from his good side. 18/06/22 7:49:14	5

	"I get it...It's because I said we need a kitchen island?" 08/06/22 7:10:25	5

	It was 'Bring Your Owl to Work Day' but I didn't have one and I was desperate to impress Sheila in Accounts. So, I went out to the nearest barn and invited an owl. It declined at first, muttering about rubbish canteen food. So I said 'Well, Owl, there are plenty of mouses to be found in offices.' The wise owl couldn't resist correcting me. 'Actually, the plural of mouse is MICE but okay, I'll come.' 11/05/22 19:47:53	5

	"You dropped the soap, didn't you, Dave?" 11/05/22 7:11:15	5

	"Think I can't eat this? You misunderestimate me." 10/05/22 19:16:39	5

	The bond between mother and infant is not always instant. 06/05/22 11:22:00	5

	'The lazy sod's been having an affair. I've just found a hair upstairs and it certainly ain't mine. It's blonde and 30ft long! That bitch...' 02/05/22 19:32:08	5

	"Sweetness, have I ever told you your eyes are the same colour as...Thomas the Tank Engine?" 30/04/22 11:41:20	5

	"Cycling has never really floated my boat" 25/03/22 8:34:26	5

	"Well, in my considered, professional opinion, you would have been better trying a 'Large'." 19/03/22 8:45:06	5

	Never get dressed in the dark 16/03/22 20:14:18	5

	Made in Jersey 09/03/22 12:12:16	5

	clever Battery Dogs Home 28/02/22 12:10:22	5

	EMAIL, 12.15: Your parcel has been successfully delivered 21/02/22 12:16:02	5

	Dear Marmite, Your dirty, underhand tactics will NEVER sway me from my jar of crunchy peanut butter. Sincerely not yours, TBA in 3 days 16/02/22 13:10:05	5

	Cash 'n' Carrie 29/01/22 20:02:56	5

	"Big disappointment. Reminds me of the time I ordered ratatouille." 27/01/22 8:23:40	5

	'Dave won't notice the meat's missing if I spread the veg around' 27/01/22 8:19:10	5

	"I'm having bottled cider and she's having a draught." 06/01/22 16:27:23	5

	Plot twist: Thelma and Louise didn't die. Some while later they washed up in Bournemouth. 23/12/21 20:00:38	5

	"What are you standing staring for? Get it off - get kraken!" 05/12/21 21:05:31	5

	"Dave, are you sure you've been taking your worming pills? And must you keep scratching like that?" At times, Dave's wife could be a right, nagging old bitch. 29/11/21 20:39:53	5

	"That's for not buying me PINK trainers." 26/11/21 12:02:53	5

	It was a draw. 13/10/21 7:04:18	5

	"Holy mackerel!" 03/10/21 11:53:33	5

	Bring Your Child To Work Day gives your child a heightened understanding of Health and Safety in the workplace 09/08/21 7:53:42	5

	'Hahahaha! That's so funny. A new squirrel-proof birdfeeder on the market.' 28/07/21 7:52:14	1 5
Funny and true! --Al Overy
	This is MY perch...and that's finial. 25/07/21 7:33:55	5

	"I'm sorry your husband's left you" "Yeah, I always seem to pick the swines" 05/07/21 7:16:57	5

	Big Cook, Lickle Cook 17/06/21 7:42:32	5

	She's sulking because she was expecting a ride on his chopper. 15/06/21 19:14:52	5

	Much less common than a zebra crossing 15/06/21 11:00:29	5

	"Can't a bear have any bloody privvacy?" 01/06/21 11:01:54	1 5
Or any other kind of privvacy. --Willie Johnson
	"Oh yes, that's great, baby. Bit harder. Ah, hmmm...YES! Right there on the temporal lobes." 25/05/21 19:28:29	5

	That's horrendous! Yeah, absolutely no partitioning. 02/05/21 19:38:38	5

	"Could you give me a hand behind the bar, please?" "I'm coming." 20/04/21 19:25:45	5

	Long-awaited sequel to the 80's Scottish rom-com: Gregg's Girls 13/04/21 13:13:55	5

	"...and may God bless all who sail in her. I name this ship...er..." Oh lordy, I've forgotten the name. "I name this ship Floaty McFloat Boat." 08/04/21 11:21:49	1 5
She's also the original inspiration for Boaty McBoatface.Always popular around the shipyards, she hammered in most of those rivets with her chin. --SnapDragon D
	lol Dear Mrs Grimshaw, unfortunately your audition for the part of Holly Golightly has been unsuccessful on this occasion. 14/03/21 13:41:53	3 5
You're welcome. Great caption. :) --Karyn Harrison
	"It's all going great, babe. Make-up, nails, flowers, dress is on, hair's done. Just having a final touch up..." 09/03/21 20:33:40	5

	"I see your mother's made herself comfy" 19/02/21 13:02:29	5

	"OK, here's the deal. Either you take this muck away and replace it promptly with something meaty... Or I go out mousing tonight and in the morning you will find the head and entrails on your duvet." 29/01/21 20:18:10	5

	Apparently, she's changed her Facebook status to 'Unattached' 26/01/21 8:56:58	5

	"Great news! Says here they've got someone in connection with the framing of Roger Rabbit." 22/01/21 13:05:18	5

	-"I brought you here because it's the city of love, Mildred. Now are you ready to shit on some tourists?" -"Oh yes, yes... You're so romantic, Patrick." 17/01/21 8:43:19	5

	Rather tacky 11/01/21 20:18:13	5

	"Hi, we're currently in your area. We wondered if we could leave a quote to replace your soffits and fascias?" 09/01/21 21:43:05	5

	"Honey, I think with a lick of paint it'll be fine for your mother" 09/01/21 20:25:55	5

	"Keep the noise down, lady. How's a spider to get any sleep?" 06/01/21 12:30:44	5

	"And the best bit... I WAS IN ALL SODDING DAY!" 05/01/21 10:06:45	5

	"Fasten up the windows, Dave, or someone might steal it" 28/12/20 12:25:30	5

	In Russia training to be a Cossack dancer starts early 07/12/20 8:30:09	5

	Gullp 06/12/20 13:44:44	5

	It can be a real challenge for Borrowers...making a daisy chain 08/11/20 21:11:33	5

	Little Boy Peep 29/10/20 21:26:26	3 5
Little bro peep? --Ross Davidson
	clever "Come on, love...take it off. You must be roasting in that zebra coat." 29/10/20 8:24:50	5

	What...? We need to get to the bottom of this. 28/10/20 20:04:40	5

	She told me she was staying in the Savoy 12/09/20 19:03:41	5

	"Cooey... If it's porridge could you set an extra place please?" 23/08/20 7:19:56	5

	Poor old Buddy never got very far. He had to stop at every lamppost he passed for a wee. 08/08/20 14:05:00	5

	It's a shame but this type of tennis never really took off 24/07/20 11:46:32	5

	"I'm so sorry we've ruined your big day, Liz. Last I saw Dave he was tied naked to a lamppost in Dublin. He'll never make it back in time..." 23/07/20 11:34:16	5

	"Show me something new," sighed Dave. "This is so last CÃ©zanne." 17/07/20 12:07:18	5

	"She didn't pay for it. I heard it was tit for tat." 06/07/20 11:13:29	5

	"Dave, when you said you'd do your share of the chores..." 04/07/20 19:14:41	5

	They just love Havana cigar 04/07/20 7:03:31	5

	"Did you see where the ball went, Fido?" "Ruff" "Thanks, Fido" 02/07/20 19:21:25	5

	"Oh, he was a smasher - a real good egg" 30/06/20 20:33:43	5

	The Great British Bake On 30/06/20 11:40:35	5

	Muttch Later... with Yowls Holland 20/06/20 20:25:59	5

	Left here by a kindly feller 20/06/20 14:37:08	5

	Ethel was so engrossed she couldn't put it down. Mind you, she couldn't pick it up either. 12/06/20 19:35:57	5

	Good clean fun 30/05/20 11:16:24	5

	creative Auditions for Alice in Wonderland weren't going well. The pelican applicants were okay but the Alices... 22/05/20 12:26:52	1 5
It was really flamingoes - but I am sure that pelican croquet would be just as effective. --Molly R
	clever I won't bring my flexible friend 16/05/20 17:03:48	5

	Down on the allotments the competition is fierce 11/04/20 19:17:43	5

	"Stick 'em up...all eight of 'em!" 20/02/20 20:01:28	5

	The Javelin Throwers Annual Parade 07/02/20 20:07:37	5

	"Can't stay for a pint, lads. I've got to take the old girl shoe shopping." 01/02/20 14:23:44	5

	She got it yesterday when she went Chopin 28/01/20 8:18:26	5

	She always picks weedy blokes 15/01/20 20:00:21	5

	I suggest we all go to Harley's Pub 30/12/19 8:36:25	5

	One of them should be just right 15/11/19 9:51:53	5

	She loved it until I put her through the car wash 13/11/19 8:33:05	5

	I realize I've hit a new low now that I'm willing the bicycle to move into the picture 26/09/19 19:12:45	6 5
I think I spoke too early --Mr Dome
	Babe on board 01/09/19 19:09:42	5

	Laying the law down 28/08/19 19:27:34	5

	Squeak decided this wasn't the time to play his 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card 27/08/19 19:34:49	1 5

	"The cops have gone now. Let's go and smash up the bus shelter." 19/08/19 19:24:58	2 5
Laugh out-loud funny! --Anna Caddy
	British queuing etiquette demonstrated here by model citizens 03/08/19 8:46:34	5

	Righteous Brothers 07/07/19 12:59:09	5

	She's relishing that 26/06/19 14:02:13	5

	"Goldie, come and meet the others. Don't be koi." 09/06/19 13:29:51	5

	"When's mum back with the dinner? I hope it's vole-au-vents." 11/05/19 18:16:14	5

	"Your hobbies are swimming and fishing. Look, we're even the same height. I lub you... you're a keeper." 01/05/19 7:37:55	5

	"I prefer Churchill the nodding dog" 28/04/19 13:50:37	5

	"I'm not just a pretty face, you know" murmured Vivienne Westwood 15/04/19 12:28:29	5

	Here's my latest squeeze - I just love sucking his face 19/03/19 8:24:03	5

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