When Dave got home he managed to convince his girlfriend his face had accidentally brushed against someone. The marks on his knob were harder to explain.

23/12/22 8:00:58

"Remember saying yes to question #101 before we got engaged - Do you mind if my pets join us on our wedding night?"

22/12/22 20:05:53, edited: 22/12/22 20:09:49

I'm suffering from a bipolar disorder. Upstairs is like the arctic and downstairs is like the antarctic.

15/12/22 20:53:09

The Wicker Nan

06/12/22 12:00:05

Good King Senseless

06/12/22 8:03:41

Of Rice and Men

16/11/22 12:00:18

It's raining rats and dogs.

07/11/22 12:00:11

Children should be seen and not herbed.

06/11/22 12:24:55

Delivermew

01/11/22 8:00:14

"When you said some old dinosaur was president..."

25/10/22 11:19:11

"You have wrecked your destination."

23/10/22 19:00:09

Assassin's Greed

11/10/22 7:13:27

"Captain Johnson, I believe you're almost as bad at this job as you were at your last one."

09/10/22 7:10:35

lol

"Are all these power lines really going to just one house?"

"Yeh, the owner says it'll help him put his captions on faster."

08/10/22 11:00:58, edited: 08/10/22 11:01:20

creative

I never met a ship I liked. That's why I have no friendships.

03/10/22 7:44:53

Garden of Edenim

01/10/22 11:14:10

"I think these plants have been jeanetically modified."

01/10/22 11:00:14

Pizza Excess

29/09/22 11:00:07

Lilo & Bitch

29/09/22 7:00:16

Jurassic Car Park

22/09/22 19:00:12

Gnashes to gnashes

14/09/22 11:23:28

Yoga Bear

12/09/22 7:00:07

"I said wrench it OPEN!"

11/09/22 19:00:12

"I'm sorry Dave, there's no cure for your condition."

07/09/22 19:04:34

"No Ken, I said it was ok to scold your children occasionally."

04/09/22 7:00:10

You can recognise a dogwood tree by its distinctive bark.

27/08/22 11:42:18

Captain Pugwashing

08/08/22 7:01:14

creative

"I'm ready for the rat race."

27/07/22 11:43:43

"Boris, you muppet. You're almost as bad at this as you were at your last job."

08/07/22 7:05:13

"Take it off now Dave or I'll never help you with your captions again."

02/07/22 7:00:21

Bagpuss

19/06/22 19:00:07

Yoga mutt

05/06/22 19:00:06

He's got big shoes to fill.

04/06/22 19:00:36

Screen dump

24/05/22 11:10:25

"Til bolt cutters do us part."

16/05/22 7:43:50

Coq au vin

15/05/22 11:00:06

Possession is nine tenths of the Laura

04/05/22 7:02:07

Penne pals

11/04/22 11:00:13

"I wish you'd quit these stupid experiments Isaac. They're driving me to diffraction."

09/04/22 19:03:23

Clown in the dumps

29/03/22 11:27:38

Ok, that's enough dancing. Now, has everyone sharpened their Poohsticks? - said Rabbit

18/03/22 12:01:27

They pegged it.

THE END

17/03/22 20:25:31

"What's he doing?"

"Says it helps him think up captions."

04/03/22 20:01:06

Who came first, the chick or the eggs?

Well, judging by the smile on her face...

03/03/22 12:43:17

La pissine

22/02/22 8:20:58

"Sorry about this disappointing drizzle son."

"The forecast said there would be a category 5 tornado that could take us on a real adventure."

15/02/22 23:58:44

Sméagirl

10/02/22 20:01:07

Ll'amour

10/02/22 13:03:46

"What's taking so long?"

"I think Olaf's playing with his carrot again."

11/01/22 12:00:09

"I'm afraid Fluffy choked to death on a fish bone while you were on holiday Mrs Jones."

"Lucky for you though, I'm training to be a taxidermist and turned him into a novelty lamp."

10/01/22 20:00:22

Yuri Googoorin

06/01/22 8:01:41

Looks like Poundland is selling wigs again.

04/01/22 12:02:23

Gary Poppins

03/01/22 12:00:10

The Lapland That Time Forgot

28/12/21 8:00:10

Hoppy hour

27/12/21 12:00:05

Bulk buying

26/12/21 20:00:32

DisasterChef

26/12/21 12:06:04

Park and died

23/12/21 20:00:11

"I'd better perform mouth to mouth and chest compressions."

"I think she's just sleeping."

"Sorry, can't hear you.."

23/12/21 8:22:43

Dressed to kale

12/12/21 8:13:54

Slapland

06/12/21 8:00:06

"You look lovely darling."

"Are you all right Dave, you're not normally so complimentary."

"Curses, she suspects you're not yourself. EXTERMINATE her human!"

Nod to 20:00:12

05/12/21 20:24:41

Dave loved his new job at the liquorice farm.

03/12/21 10:42:06

"Can anyone remember why this war started?"

"I think Phil copied one of Bill's captions."

28/10/21 19:16:35

I know a bent copper when I see one.

24/10/21 19:01:09

Hope someone's done a rusk assessment.

20/10/21 7:02:34

"Why am I so small? What saucery is this?"

16/10/21 19:14:46

I hate it when people start putting up their Christmas decorations in October.

06/10/21 11:27:00

"I remember you, you're the git that rambled on in a really excited voice when I was born and tried to get to the sea. I suppose it was you who arranged for that bloody orchestra to play dramatic music while I was being attacked by a seagull. Well, no thanks to you, I got away you bastard!"

03/10/21 7:00:53

"Well, for my first time inside one of Mr Schrödinger's boxes, I have to say it's not as bad as I thought."

01/10/21 11:26:01

"I know dressing up as a giant mouse seems ridiculous but trust me, it's your best chance of not being attacked by a Gruffalo."

26/09/21 11:31:29

"Scotty, I think the transporter is playing up again."

16/09/21 19:00:09

"If you think this is amazing you should see the size of the squirrel I'm going to give it to."

01/09/21 7:08:53

"I'd stand up and say hi but I forgot my false leg. Hopefully my wife'll be along with it soon."

30/08/21 11:27:35

"Noah, wake up! You're having a nightmare."

29/08/21 7:54:32

Napoleon Croneparte

20/08/21 7:09:31

Jurassic survival tip number 4: To prevent your head being bitten off when walking past a T-rex always carry a child on your shoulders.

15/08/21 7:02:47

"Are you sure this will stop him drawing on my tie with a black marker?"

13/08/21 19:00:12

"How does that feel Enid? I've turned your love eggs up to full."

13/08/21 11:01:21

No matter how hard he tried Alfred couldn't turn Ethel on.

13/08/21 11:00:44

"What a charming baby!"

09/08/21 19:21:16

Eggscalator

08/08/21 11:00:06

A lot of lives were affected by this crash. The driver suffered from a sprained wrist for a few days, 500 people lost weight, 10 didn't get diabetes and 2 didn't have a heart attack.

01/08/21 19:01:53

clever

"I couldn't help looking up. There was this guy on a flying carpet pulling a fighter jet..."

27/07/21 14:20:47

But you can tease them about their short arms as much as you like.

27/07/21 7:06:24

Tail of the Unexpected

24/07/21 11:00:08

"Guys, I forgot to mention I've got a problem with sleep walking."

17/07/21 19:01:03

"Don't worry, I won't wake them up."

"Not when I can charge them 80 euros for every half an hour they sleep."

17/07/21 11:02:47

"We're hoping to find a cure for his condition."

05/07/21 7:17:53

"I've also made some bog rolls."

03/07/21 19:03:56

Rex on the beach

28/06/21 11:00:07

Granny Smith

23/06/21 11:00:11

"They're in for a shock. Hitchcock's 'The Birds' is coming on next."

16/06/21 7:09:32

Tourists often visit this beautiful cove in Northern Ireland. They can't get enough of the Derry air.

14/06/21 19:00:46

Sole mates

12/06/21 8:25:33

Qwerty Pie

09/06/21 11:00:06

Faecesbook

03/06/21 11:00:22

Roary McIlroy

01/06/21 11:08:16

Mary's cocaine habit was getting out of control.

26/05/21 11:00:22

Amber Nester

21/05/21 7:00:05