"Nice jumper Mr Stoneface but what made you want to become one of us druids?"

"I want to rid the world of cats."

30/04/22 7:41:41

Woman sells house for most expensive mattress in the world.

29/04/22 19:09:00

"I know it's hard to believe Dave, but yes, I really am pregnant."

29/04/22 13:37:20

Oliver Reed

29/04/22 7:36:06

"Timothy?"

29/04/22 7:10:15

What a coincidence, I got lost on caption.me looking for riches.

27/04/22 19:04:52

Maximutt

27/04/22 11:07:38

"I think the wallpaper's peeling."

25/04/22 19:11:10

"Well professor it appears your time machine has worked."

"Yes, it's incredible to see what kind of creatures were around at the time of the last Mice Age."

25/04/22 11:01:35

"Watch out mate, there's some kittens coming down in a moment."

24/04/22 7:00:17

"Dave, I know you've set your heart on being a nursery school teacher but we've had a few complaints."

22/04/22 19:57:51

"Sorry Dave, I thought you said you wanted me to buy you a sects doll."

21/04/22 19:15:56

"You bought 1000 of these Del?"

"Yes, just think of the prophet we can make Rodders."

21/04/22 19:01:48

Cat call

21/04/22 11:00:08

Chat-finch

18/04/22 20:16:05

To Kill a Moggingbird

18/04/22 19:02:44

Even Schrödinger was surprised when they opened his box.

18/04/22 11:24:10

Invertebrat

17/04/22 7:08:17

Nobody dares tell Putin this isn't how most people make a podcast.

16/04/22 11:20:45

Romances with Wolves

15/04/22 19:02:56

Putinocchio, the story of the President whose butt plug grew longer every time he lied.

15/04/22 7:12:13

Magravity: The Mystery Cat

14/04/22 19:40:27

Cat on a hot thin froth

13/04/22 19:48:30

"You can't beat cappuccino with a sprinkling of nutmog."

13/04/22 19:26:18

Farty animal

13/04/22 11:33:50

Driving Mr Daisy

11/04/22 10:03:13

"The pilot just walked up the stairs and his vision looked normal, so why is it a blind landing?"

"He has to fly the plane from inside the black box."

10/04/22 20:00:19

Look Who's Torquing

10/04/22 7:00:19

Nagpies

08/04/22 11:00:05

The Queen and I

08/04/22 7:00:09

"Finished. Would you like to see my new painting?" said the Emperor.

06/04/22 11:41:37

Look Who's Gawking

05/04/22 7:00:13

"Let me guess, are you called Dave?"

"Yep, Davy Jones."

02/04/22 19:31:46

The LGBT Mermaid

02/04/22 19:15:46

Tail of the Unexpected

02/04/22 19:09:42

"Dave, have you seen my mother's dog?"

"No darling, I've been busy making sandwiches all morning for our customers."

02/04/22 11:43:37

"Forget the rose Dave. If you want a shag just pay my heating bills."

01/04/22 12:10:50

"Don't be shocked Alfred. This is Thing. We're helping him choose a new jacket."

31/03/22 19:01:11

Supurrnatural

31/03/22 11:22:33

"He says, beware of a man called Schrödinger and keep away from his box."

31/03/22 11:08:49

"Really love, you think those mysterious payments on your credit card came from here? I can't imagine how that could've happened."

29/03/22 7:57:37

clamption.me

28/03/22 11:05:01

"It's ok, I bought two tickets."

27/03/22 11:02:02

I would park like that too if my car was that expensive. Of course if I had a car like that I wouldn't be spending my days trying to win fifty quid on a caption site.

27/03/22 11:00:59

The Crate British Bike Off

26/03/22 12:04:50

Landlocked

25/03/22 8:38:46

Deliverance 2 was a bit shit.

25/03/22 8:02:50

The Testicles of Narnia

19/03/22 20:14:49

"Er guys, you know you wanted to plunge a dagger in my heart and bathe in my blood?"

"Well, I'm a bear of very little heart or blood."

Nod to 12:03:40

18/03/22 12:08:10

Snappy campers

17/03/22 20:16:37

"Emperor, I wish you'd stop leaving plans to the Death Star lying around."

17/03/22 8:11:34

For instance:
- Putin is a man.
- the atom bomb was invented by a man.
- the superglue on the spine of this book was put there by a man.

16/03/22 15:50:23

"Don't bother, it tastes of silicone."

15/03/22 20:49:09

Japan's leading pickpocket reveals the secrets of her trade.

13/03/22 8:24:39

Life is hard when you can't have a wank.

12/03/22 12:01:11

They'll be throwing Boba conFetti soon.

08/03/22 20:07:12

So that's why the winner's jersey is yellow.

08/03/22 12:06:45

"Come on ladies, come on ladies, one hound fish..."

08/03/22 8:15:53

"See, they have machines for everything - making food, washing things that touch food, rectangular boxes to look at while they sit on soft things full of springs and the females even have buzzing machines they put inside themselves when the males are away."

07/03/22 20:09:21

Nice legs, shame about the face, hair, arms, hands, feet and body.

07/03/22 12:02:34

"Apparently police only act upon a tiny proportion of reported crimes."

"You don't really believe that do you?"

"Of course not, I'm sure they're all hard at work. Let's choose a police officer at random and see what he's up to."

"Oh."

05/03/22 12:35:09

Ukrainian OAPs confident they can repel Russian troops.

04/03/22 12:02:10

♪ I am the egg woman
Goo goo g'joob ♪

03/03/22 12:05:42

"Who's the master now Dave?"

02/03/22 12:21:02

Fifty shades of grey

02/03/22 8:16:23

A finger of grudge

01/03/22 12:12:13

Tod in the hole

01/03/22 8:04:14

"So long and thanks for all the fish."

26/02/22 8:00:15

Gunfight at the O.K. Cathedral

25/02/22 20:15:53

LEDD

22/02/22 12:46:45

"If this Valentine's Day card doesn't impress her I don't know what will."

21/02/22 12:00:12

Tiles of the Unexpected

21/02/22 8:00:46

"Being run over by a steamroller is really depressing," said Marvin (2005
version) and Mervin (his little known twin), the paranoid androids.

"Sorry guys", said Zaphod Beeblebrox.

20/02/22 20:37:07

Match of the Gay

20/02/22 12:06:02

"Anyone fancy a shag?"

16/02/22 8:00:12

"What are you doing with a baby out in this weather mate?"

"Someone said it was raining cats and dogs. I need a few hundred cat photos for a caption website."

"Sounds like a pretty weird thing to do if you ask me."

"Well, there's a guy on there who insulted my life's work. Apparently he hates cats."

15/02/22 20:00:21

"Sorry lads, I think putting these goalposts together by ourselves was a bit of a pipe dream."

15/02/22 12:26:21

"Dad, the football club are on the phone."

"What do they want?"

"They just wondered how you managed to scare all the crows away from your allotment."

15/02/22 8:00:46

Look who's torquing

14/02/22 12:01:34

"Ok kids, look left, look right, all clear, now we can cross..."

"Oh, try not to step on the dead Penguin."

13/02/22 12:02:23

"Dave, where's the baby gone?"

"Oh he's on the sofa keeping Kaa company while I defrost a big rat for his yearly feed."

12/02/22 12:13:14

Mary had a little llama…

10/02/22 12:00:06

"I couldn't taste the chocolate but I certainly chipped a few teeth."

07/02/22 12:08:01

Tom foolery

06/02/22 8:02:20

Should've gone to Specsavers!

05/02/22 12:00:44

"Dave, I feel a right clot."

"Because you're dressed as a maid?"

"No, it's stopping blood getting to my left arm."

03/02/22 20:57:46

No wonder they beat us at cricket.

02/02/22 12:37:40

Land of fire hydrants and ice

31/01/22 12:16:03

Game of Thrones

31/01/22 8:23:57

"...and then we reached a fork in the road."

30/01/22 12:11:51

"Do you go Aldi way love?"

29/01/22 23:45:21

Pavlov's sprog

28/01/22 13:56:32

The scowl and the pussy cat

27/01/22 8:22:04

"If you want salmon it's in the box", said Mr Schrödinger.

27/01/22 8:06:23

"I live in the turd house on the right."

25/01/22 20:01:01

Spot the anti-vaxxer's brain competition.

25/01/22 12:16:13

"Get a bloom!"

23/01/22 12:06:51

Yay, it's not an OnAdventureWithDad photo. This should be easier to caption. Oh...

22/01/22 12:03:32

"Daddy, a man on a skateboard is going to land on top of us!"

21/01/22 20:06:43

Dave was determined to score well in the first round of the 2022 World Bone Breaking championships.

19/01/22 12:49:43