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"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for sweets, I can tell you I don't have any... but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my teddy go now, that will be the end of it - I will not look for you, I will not pursue you... but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you... and I will kill you."
Ok grandma, I'll explain using a mobile phone just one more time.
"Hello, Caption Helpline. How can I help?...A picture of a dog in a car you say? Let me think.... Bark and Ride"
Incontinence Hotline, can you hold?
"No, we don't want a f*cking Smart Meter!"
Daddy. Not sure what's going on but your phone is making a really funny buzzing noise and it's chopping all my hair off
I want £100 on me having a brother or sister by December.
"Please can I donate my £1.50 tooth money for Tom Moore's NHS walk?"
"Mummy and Daddy are busy bonking just now. Please call back later."
"Anyway, mummy and daddy have been shitfaced since about 4 o'clock just so bring the kebabs now.."
"Hello, Gran?, You better come round, Your Daughters being an arsehole again..."
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