best earliest latest latest and best captions

Let's twist again, like we did last summer.

10/05/21 11:39:26

Customer:-I wish to complain, this is Elk poo not Moose poo.
Manager:- Ahh a man who knows his shit.

27/11/20 16:15:29

Do you remember how good life was Teddy before my little Sister came along and ruined everything.

17/04/20 7:45:05

It's worse than it looks. I had taped them to the ceiling and they fell off.

31/03/20 16:08:08

Rosemary from accounts can get two in her mouth at the same time.

01/03/20 11:32:31

Art! Means different things to different people. Artists are looking for someone who appreciates the finer things in life. Like the City council who will pay thousands of rate payers money. Men look at it and think it represents the moon crashing into the earth. Women look at it and think the earth is giving birth to the moon. Gypsy's look at it and think will it fit in the back of the van?

23/05/19 9:40:40

My Wife's Mother is a Crafter, so I bought her do it yourself Handbag kit.

25/07/18 19:06:36

So we've conquered the Ford Galaxy, what do you want to do next?

26/04/18 6:27:46

White house Aid admits Tomahawk Missile fired at Ashed due to predictive text error.

18/04/18 11:11:52

Here's a picture of the Wife on holiday.
Is she the one in yellow or white?
No she's got a flowery top on.

12/04/18 7:10:41

If that Guy brings that Hippo to the Garage again, I'm refusing to do the emissions test.

16/11/17 20:27:16

Mirror, cygnet, manoeuvre.

13/07/17 18:28:38

You're so Vane you probably think this caption is about You.

09/01/17 12:02:38

Cleaner to slide two, another brown stain a mile long.

24/05/16 11:18:47

The Bantam of the Opera.

10/04/16 8:06:26

Megan bites.

05/03/16 20:00:09

That is fast stitching. They started at 19:39 and finished by 19:45.

31/01/16 9:52:24

Piddler on the roof.

26/12/15 21:02:02

And the winner of the four thirty at Chester is Lady in Grey who gave a very comfortable ride, second was Floral Tribute who has had her knockers and despite carrying top weight finished second and third place went to Leopard Printess who could have won but fucked it up at the last.

28/10/15 12:00:10

creative

Bournemouth Council versus Mr Smith.
Judge:- Mr Smith you are accused of walking your dog on a prohibited beach. Have you anything to say.
Mr Smith's Defence:- What evidence have you got to show my client was walking his dog?
Prosecution:- This Picture was taken by the Bailiff my lord.
Defence:- Your Honour the dog can clearly be seen levitating in this picture without a paw on the sand.
Judge:- By George you're right. Case dismissed.

12/10/15 10:22:55

Snore Detective.

15/09/15 7:15:49

I bought it on the web.

27/08/15 19:00:49

Chicken Job Seeker:- I'm sorry I'm late, I had trouble crossing the road.
Employer:- I'm sorry too, the egg has already got the job.

08/07/15 20:56:10

Sometimes People throw paper money which is fine, but sometimes the Bastards throw coins and it bloody hurts when you get hit on the head.

14/06/15 12:52:02

Start the engine then.
I can't, I've lost the quay.

08/06/15 5:53:49

Proof Michael Jackson has been reincarnated as an Elephant.

10/05/15 11:16:26

Piste again.

13/01/15 13:38:05

His Wife tried every hat in the shop, before finally deciding on the first one she had tried on.

25/10/14 11:19:17

Repeat after me, I'm snot possessed.

24/10/14 11:53:26

Yang didn't notice his passengers attempting to syphon his petrol tank.

02/10/14 19:06:47

You know when you've submitted a caption and afterwards you find out that someone else has already submitted a caption that looks like your caption, and everyone thinks you've copied it even though you haven't. Don't make the mistake of wishing the ground would open up and swallow you.

28/06/14 7:05:56

Protesters are up in arms over this Slogan, the Posters were hastily withdrawn and the offending word removed. The new Slogan reads Merry Winter Festival Peasants.

10/04/14 11:22:56

High knee can.

25/03/14 20:15:53

Ron died of over exposure.

02/03/14 12:37:54

Dad I've caught crabs in the Toilet.

17/01/14 14:31:11

It was her final fling before settling down.

10/01/14 12:00:43

Exstream Sport.

08/01/14 8:00:14

He's got a piece of Pi stuck in between his teeth.

27/12/13 8:02:21

Strange he only remembered buying one bottle; now there was two, but he couldn't get hold of either of them.

26/12/13 8:20:15

Saint Knickerless.

30/09/13 19:28:38

Brothers up in arms.

29/08/13 11:09:43

I went out with a Librarian, once I picked her up I couldn't put her down.

28/07/13 19:00:19

The Tattoo took only five minutes, because the Tattooist was quick on the draw.

16/07/13 11:00:11

creative

I know it looks like I'm losing, but I'm kicking the shit out of his Tonsils.

13/07/13 19:22:22

I bought it second hand.

07/07/13 8:24:24

All because the Lady loves Milk Spray.

05/07/13 11:00:44

After Dougal had the Cyst removed, it seemed a shame to waste it.

30/06/13 19:14:42

Americas number one and number two.

17/05/13 12:12:54

Vat is that Diving position called?
Don't tell him Pike!

14/03/13 8:20:26

He kept her at arms length, because she was descended from Convicts, and they'd already nicked his land.

02/03/13 22:17:21

She was only a Lumber Jacks Daughter, but I Fell for her.

15/01/13 9:06:43

He's a cross between a German Shepherd and a Springer Spaniel we call him a Jerry Springer.

07/09/12 19:20:59

Ladies and Gentlemen, Extinguished Guests please welcome...

09/08/12 10:48:25

Sesame street was brought to you today with the number 20 and the words minutes, late, again.

09/05/12 19:07:08

Hell's Belles

20/04/12 10:19:24

Being a Seaman he had to stick his Oar in

14/03/12 21:38:13

Step 1:- Make one of these.
Step 2:- Tell your kids it’s Santa.
Step 3:- Drown him in the Mop Bucket.
Step 4:- Tell the kids there won’t be any presents this year.
Follow me for more tips on how to pay your gas bill this Christmas.

13/11/24 9:42:51

Gate Crasher.

14/06/24 7:39:31

I usually read a magazine over breakfast.

07/10/23 15:49:24

Hello I’m from the Johovah Witnesses would you like a Watchtower?

18/09/23 11:12:17

Designed by Russel Hobbs; better known for toasters, everyone waited for her to pop out.

02/06/23 23:42:04

Step by step instructions.

23/04/23 11:00:21

Yes it is the real thing and here’s your coke.

01/04/23 16:07:13

When there is free Wi-Fi at the campsite main building and you have to get your caption in before 8 o clock.

20/03/23 8:00:33

The Iron Woman contest was different than the Iron Man contest.

11/02/23 20:00:17

Take a bough you’re the millionth cat to appear on Captionme.

25/08/22 21:25:36

She had wanted to get married in York Minster but settled for Axminster.

23/08/22 19:07:15

After forty years of marriage Debbie had had enough of George and was going to stab him.
Luckily he was standing next to the bread bin and held up the loaf.
Her maternal instincts kicked in and she made a sandwich.

09/05/22 12:21:15

Paddy and Mick go to Aer Lingus pilot training interview.
Mick goes in first and the Interviewer says:- If I was to poke your left eye out what would you be?
I’d be partially blind.
OK and if I was to poke your right eye out as well?
Then I’d be totally blind.
OK report for training Monday Morning. Can you send in the next candidate?
Mick goes out and quickly tells Paddy the answers, and sends him in.
Right now if I was to cut your left ear off what would you be?
I’d be partially blind.
Umm. If I was to cut your right ear off as well what would you be?
Ahh then I’d be totally blind.
Pardon me for asking but could you explain how would you be totally blind if I’d cut your ears off?
Ahh well that would be simple. My Cap would fall over my eyes.

10/04/22 19:45:32

That’s me in the corner. Losing my Religion.

30/03/22 16:11:20

While the firemen dug the fire hydrant out, the residents put the fire out by throwing the snow on the fire.

31/01/22 18:44:35

Everyone thought it was cute till later when Grandma found out where he had been sticking his bogeys.

06/12/21 14:28:03

Trump uses Maybe I Touched Your Genitals.

25/11/21 11:13:16

Royal Mail deny allegations that they are short staffed.

11/11/21 17:07:18

There was only one outstanding candidate for being a Police Dog.

27/10/21 19:46:42

Meals on wheels

10/10/21 11:00:09

Spider-Man held the Pope’s hand with both hands to resist the temptation to use his lighter to light the candle on the Pope’s head.

02/10/21 7:12:57

Oh it’s very comfortable I just slip into it.

27/08/21 19:53:18

May I have your details?
38, 24, 38.
No, name and address please.

10/05/21 21:52:00

I don't mind a peck on my cheek but lay off my nuts.

07/11/20 20:28:59

When you have to type up the Tory manifesto the smell of bullshit can be overpowering.

19/06/20 10:02:14

I would of won the race if I hadn't stopped for the photo finish.

13/06/20 12:24:18

If 2020 was a bicycle.

12/06/20 8:07:19

That sign writers unbelievable, he must use rapid drying paint.

27/04/20 7:12:04

Following behind her after a long walk; I suddenly thought, I'm meant to be on B car park level 6,

18/03/20 16:20:44

Dave's injury claim for multiple broken bones stated that he fell from the third step of the step ladder, that the ladder had been fully extended, and that he had someone to steady the ladder.

04/03/20 18:41:24

Only made with milk from gagged cows.

10/02/20 8:01:46

He's not a full English frog, he's tadpolish.

20/11/19 20:16:17

Sales to blondes bombed once they set the maths question.

06/10/19 8:58:56

We ask how are foxes adapting to living in cities?

13/09/19 7:14:54

Good Morning Can Opener. You normally feed me a eight but I am peckish. So I'm sure you won't mind that it's five thirty.

01/04/19 9:18:50

clever

He thought he'd try his luck after seeing a Trucker p p pick up a Penguin.

22/01/19 12:57:24

People keep mentioning Owls all I see is a pair of Great Tits.

11/12/18 7:46:21

Aladin T-shirt and jeans.

24/09/18 19:14:22

Sheryl Crow

01/07/18 7:02:47

clever

Bend over and brace yourself.

21/01/18 12:20:10

creative

They always shop in Boots.

15/12/17 8:42:18

The Copse caught another Joy Rider.

12/11/17 20:21:59

I'd been driving home. The Kids were having a sleep over. It would just be Me and the Wife alone in the house. I pulled in to a Tesco 24 hour store. A bottle of wine and some candles, I'd show her romance wasn't dead. Leaving the store the phone rang, it was the Wife. Could I pick up 2 pints of green top and a tube of Canesten.

07/09/17 19:00:34