Typical. My bus doesn't show and then 5 turn up all at once.

15/09/22 19:00:16

Can't pay nursing home fees? We'll take them away. Reasonable fees. Phone 01244 321546.

29/05/21 11:03:06

lol

This year's Weight Watchers party was the wildest to date.

13/12/22 20:00:27

Yep. They've cleared off. Time to have some fun with the goldfish.

28/02/21 13:55:37

Highway Code

27/01/23 8:35:36

The Minus Three Degrees.

15/03/21 20:00:17

NHS health secretary is now employing veterinary surgeons to cut waiting lists for backlogged vasectomies.

30/09/22 8:16:25, edited: 30/09/22 8:22:39

"Harold. Have you any idea where the Welsh oak dresser has gone from the dining room?"

04/01/21 12:13:29

Corn on the slob

23/09/22 19:00:12

Ratachewy

30/03/21 11:00:16

"Have you worked here long love?"

"Not long. It's my third cleaning job this year."

08/03/21 12:03:09

"Does anybody know which bag the paracetamol is in?"

01/03/21 12:00:10

Always wise to keep well in with the mother-in-law.

28/02/21 20:06:33

Breaking news: Actual protein has been found in a McDonalds meal.

16/02/21 12:00:18

After months of lockdown with his wife and 4 kids, Mr.Roberts was more than thrilled to hear the hospital's "No Visitors" policy.

17/01/21 20:00:21

The new mature Cindy doll comes with grey hair, face mask and mirror shades as standard. Bladder leak underwear and removable teeth can be bought in the accessory section.

22/10/20 19:00:47

creative

Lord Fitzgerald insisted on being present at his will reading so he could see all your indignant reactions when he lets you know he is leaving his 6.2 million to Battersea's Dogs Home.

03/04/21 12:30:32

The cruise was all going well until they told us we were having a stopover in South Africa.

15/02/21 13:03:26

Gosh, that new spearmint mouthwash is really strong.

20/11/20 8:00:21

Men working for a local corrugated steel firm, have been told that although they can wear their wives underwear to work, any diva-style outbursts on the factory floor will not be tolerated.

09/10/20 11:00:37

"Thank goodness you came Greta. We're down to our last ice berg here."

26/01/23 23:25:09

"Maybe it's best if we only eat the parts that the parrot hasn't crapped on."

29/09/22 11:00:39, edited: 29/09/22 11:01:28

They say Spaniel's are great working dogs. This one's a snowplough.

11/05/21 8:08:41

The cabinet reconvene after the Winter break.

03/12/20 12:04:39

Tourist arrested on suspicion of smuggling a rare species of glow worm in his backpack.

30/11/20 20:08:12

Lewis has been taking himself for his daily one hour exercise session during lockdown whilst his owners stay at home with a 24 pack and giant bags of Doritos.

09/11/20 8:24:13

Pick a feather, any feather, look at it, remember it, now put it back in.

15/10/20 11:10:20

Gav is still haunted by a recurring dream in which he lost his "biggie blue boulder marble" to Kevin Bradshaw in July 1972.

24/09/20 9:11:28

lol

"Gav, there's a bloke on the doorstep says he's from the care home up the road, says he was sat watching Cash in the Attic, got a cat hair stuck in his throat, coughed a couple of times and they dumped him outside ours."

18/09/20 21:17:10

The man from Flora, he say yes.

15/09/20 7:02:32

clever

Border Force are on high alert as the Terrier threat reaches level 5.

14/10/22 11:01:10

"Now then Sisters. It's a shame you're not all as dedicated to noon-time prayers as you are to posting that 12p.m. caption.

06/10/22 20:46:28, edited: 06/10/22 20:49:46

Never a good idea to have a game of Twister on your own.

11/03/21 20:00:13

Named my boat after the wife. She is a little bottom heavy too.

14/11/20 20:22:57

Even the pope has ruff days.

31/10/20 20:00:48

"Did you squish the spider yet?"

21/10/22 9:51:14

Could I get a portion of chips without chips, with chips please.

26/09/22 11:00:14

"Prototypes tested. Check. Dragon's Den, here I come"

"Gav"

"Yeah love"

"Shut up."

18/09/22 19:01:25

Inspired by Tokein.

22/05/21 11:46:26

Cracking the code.

21/05/21 19:00:13

Thank you Finley for your word of the day.

18/05/21 11:52:06

Pompomerainian.

16/05/21 7:57:16

I've got the cooking bug.

12/05/21 8:14:17

"Daaaad. Have you seen the attachment for the vacuum cleaner?"

"No, but your mother was the last to use it."

04/03/21 12:09:47

What do you mean I can't hug anyone? I'm going back in, the world isn't ready for me yet.

18/02/21 8:05:51

No matter how hard he tried he just didn't get the point.

17/01/21 12:00:37

I just can't stop eating liquorice.

09/01/21 8:19:02

Santa assembles gifts for creepy uncles on his list.

03/12/20 8:12:08

Dalek-tible.

09/11/20 20:00:16

"W"

03/11/20 16:15:18

Due to Gav's recent visit to the cathouse he was now very much in the doghouse.

17/10/20 7:17:23

They were talking so much rubbish I just had to dive into the conversation.

02/10/20 7:28:27

Wallace and Gromit Appreciation Society

04/09/20 19:00:54

"Am not eating at that restaurant again."

"Why not?"

"I got spiked!"

06/04/23 23:24:22

Gav only went round next door to see if they had any Cranberry Sauce

06/12/22 11:17:21

"Well done Mummy.You've won the Wildlife Origami Award for the third year running."

19/11/22 21:40:40

Doris' porcelain wall plate has never been the same since the recent extreme heatwave

30/10/22 23:48:34

"Did you enjoy your Ryan Air flight from Australia Nan?"

"What do you think?."

24/09/22 7:00:14

Pissedcasso

16/09/22 19:00:20

"Every Little Yelps."

13/09/22 8:36:03

Totify

26/06/21 8:07:52

Please tell me that one of our owners isn't driving.

12/05/21 11:22:49

Thank goodness restrictions have been lifted at last. It's been purrgatory having them wretched humans at home all day.

28/03/21 11:05:05

It's good to know they now have Cajun spiced gazelle on Deliveroo.

16/01/21 12:55:58

I knew it. Mum hasn't used Lenor in this weeks wash. She's used the cheaper Aldi brand.

24/11/20 23:18:46

A little bird told me it's important to do the breast test.

22/11/20 12:00:41

"Here we go again, another damn power surge.
Happens every year when it's the Strictly Finals."

18/11/20 22:18:58

lol

No Smoking, but it's okay to drink Jack Daniels on the job at this local printing shop.

27/10/20 12:53:26

Nothing stops thongman getting to Maccy D's before the breakfast menu cut off point, not even the two bullet wounds to his chest.

21/10/20 20:18:07

There's nothing like a good lie down in front of the TV.

06/10/20 19:47:24

Devils advocat.

15/12/22 20:06:02

Which aisle did you say they were in at Tesco's?

02/12/22 12:50:43

Moostasha Patel started Movember in 2003 and is still going strong.

05/11/22 12:18:01

"Just a reminder Mum's calling round today love."

"Oh right, I suppose I'll have to flick the duster round."

05/11/22 8:00:18

Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
Comes from Scotland's McDougal Clan
Needs the loo, how he cries
Where the heck are his costume's flies?
Look oot
Here comes Spider-Man.

16/10/22 7:00:24

When you told me the Silicone Valley order had arrived, this isn't quite what I was expecting.

27/09/22 11:44:00

Fish and Blip Shop.

26/09/22 11:01:04

We are a dementia friendly establishment.

26/09/22 11:00:47

Oldjets in the mirror are closer than they appear.

08/05/21 11:00:46

"That's the third time this week I've had to pick you up from nursery for biting!"

30/04/21 18:19:05

The Green bus company were striving for zero emissions, but weren't quite there yet.

07/03/21 13:13:09

Kev, Gav and Steve got very into papier-mâché craft during lockdown.

20/02/21 9:45:55

You are now entering the County of Caption.me.

05/02/21 20:00:19

Oh no! My gravy's lumpy again. Now I am going to have to phone the Anxiety help line for the 5th time this week.

26/01/21 12:00:30

A perfect example of a klan-destine wedding.

24/01/21 20:00:39

So that's where the snowman's nose went. Stand nice and still and we can have a game of hoopla.

12/01/21 8:45:09

Unfortunately, due to sickness, the local pub only had a skeleton staff during the festivities.

10/12/20 13:14:02

I hit them damn power lines every time. Looks like I'll be sporting another afro again this Christmas.

08/12/20 21:58:54

The moment you find out the mother-in-law has bogged off home after the Christmas holidays.

05/12/20 9:53:38

" Right. Which one if you wise guys left the seat up?

04/12/20 9:01:35

Sometimes it's the small things that can make all the difference.

02/12/20 13:07:14

lol

Meanwhile in downtown Chicago, the Mob waited for their moment to execute a hit on Mrs.Robert's peanut feeder.

01/12/20 8:06:07

The suction on the public Portaloo flush in the town park continues to cause issues for passing cyclists. Clapham Council have been informed.

29/11/20 9:24:31

Ryan's university "crash course in architecture" wasn't quite what he had anticipated.

28/11/20 12:00:30

Kentucky Flied Chicken.

19/11/20 8:42:17

"Please do not feed the animals recreational drugs."

17/11/20 8:31:23

"You've peed all over the floor again" Jim's wife exclaimed!
"That'll be because I was distracted by the amazing view", he retorted indignantly.
"What's your excuse at home then.?

15/11/20 8:07:36

This year's "knobbly knees" contest was won by Nancy from Normanton, pictured second left. Doris from Doncaster, far right was disqualified for cheating.

08/11/20 12:00:46

Heavy fines were imposed on an Amish community when an illegal rave held by 500 members was dispersed recently. An elder responded with "there's just no fun anymore." Despite offering the officers a glass or two of cheery cordial they wouldn't be coerced.

20/10/20 7:21:08

I can never remember trigonometry being this interesting in school.

17/10/20 19:03:54