As professional as ever, the over 60's Clog 'n' Click Formation Team went ahead with the performance, hoping no one would notice they'd forgotten to bring the skipping ropes.

25/05/15 17:37:36

That dog is an excellent ventriloquist.

22/05/15 13:41:44

Eye Candy Crush

20/05/15 16:02:28

Flying Without Wings

18/05/15 19:14:53

It can get very boring if you accidentally get locked in the stationery cupboard over night.

15/05/15 7:37:00

Russian poolette

10/05/15 16:32:42

Little Red Riding Hoody

04/05/15 16:20:16

Prisoner of War Horse

23/04/15 6:05:16

“Now hold yourself in this position while I grab the box of matches..”

11/06/24 21:49:31

“When you said you were dropping off the miserable old cow first, I thought you were on about your missus.”

20/04/24 19:05:19

To find out if he was eligible to enter the largest vegetable competition, Dick phoned the allotment committee and an old lady answered.
“Hi there, it’s John Thomas here. You wanted to know the length and girth measurements of my prized big boy, to see if it’s to your satisfaction?
John read out the measurements and asked if she wanted to see it, and feel it’s quality and firmness.
The woman on the phone replied in a high-pitched, trembling voice, “Oooow y ye yes plEEease…but the library closes in half and an hour and I’ve got to go and have my corns treated. Can you pop in tomorrow?”
Realising his embarrassing mistake, John Thomas felt like a massive dick. (Each to their own)
He then wondered who he’d phoned to extend his library books for another week.

04/04/24 15:56:12, edited: 04/04/24 15:58:23

I just read that two dads played this 15ft long table football game against each other, and both should be taken off oxygen later on this evening.

16/03/24 14:06:42

“…and this is Margherita’s bedroom..”

15/02/24 12:22:26, edited: 15/02/24 12:27:12

“I thought Raging Bull was a film about boxing dad.”

10/02/24 8:27:41

“Right, final checks before I go. Wallet, keys, phone, puncture repair kit…..”

01/02/24 9:34:28

“Put Coronation Street back on Dave or I will skin you alive………..er..Again!”

09/01/24 2:58:38, edited: 09/01/24 10:38:37, suggested edits

“I hate staying at grandpa’s after school..” thought the boys.

05/01/24 20:11:16

“I know that ‘you’ dabble in illegal substances Tyrone, but what’s this about your dog wanting to try skunk?”

21/11/23 21:19:16

“Want one?”
“No tar.”

15/10/23 12:01:53

Dave thought “To hell with it!” and decided to “come out” the same day as the bins.

10/10/23 7:40:41

They may look like bullets, but suppository they’re something else?

07/10/23 15:23:03

“The top right photo shows dad being over the moon to finally be in his new ‘bedsit’. First photo on the left shows dad’s reaction when we told him he’d won £5000 on a scratch card we’d bought him. Second photo on the right shows dad thrilled to bits that his appeal was successful and was no longer on death row. Bottom left shows dad sitting on his new poofe, experiencing such joy that he thought he’d died and gone to heaven and had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. I must admit, it was a such a memorable visit.”

07/10/23 2:39:00, edited: 07/10/23 2:44:54

“I was actually sitting over there having a wash on top of the microwave between 5 and 5.30 when it happened so it wasn’t me who ripped up the arm of the new £3000 sofa, it was definitely the dog.”

02/10/23 19:13:05, edited: 02/10/23 19:14:38

Here’s the last known photo of the wonderful Fanny, managing to escape from the circus at last after 36 years. All thanks to a stolen Bicycle. In 10 minutes she’d be at the place where her secret boyfriend would be picking her up in his truck.
She had no idea that in 5 minutes, the tyres would release inbuilt fireworks before her being ejected 40ft in the air, surrounded by confetti and streamers, to the sound of a marching band.
She had no idea it belonged to a clown.
The circus paid for destruction of the nearby college.

20/09/23 11:22:43, edited: 20/09/23 11:42:54

Cynthia was renown for lighting up every room she entered. But thanks to an off duty fire man, who happened to notice a bonfire walk past his house, managed to put a stop to the spate of random rooms mysteriously going up like towering inferno’s. It’s a happy ending as the two became as close as was possible, and they married soon afterwards. They now live in Siberia for the sake of their unborn twins.

20/09/23 7:49:53, edited: 20/09/23 8:00:39

“Why on earth have you covered your face with black shoe polish Emma!? Get to the bathroom now! This is going to take ages to get you clean.”

“Sorry to interrupt darling, have you you seen my new Super Permanent Black Marker anywhere?”

16/09/23 21:32:31

Follow the yellow shit road

13/09/23 19:02:00

If you go to Hull University to study chiropody, the initiation from fellow students isn’t that bad….just eat the cake and so long as the nail isn’t still attached to a recently amputated toe, you won’t notice it. If you aren’t so lucky, (according to a friend) it just tastes a bit like a chewy undercooked black and green furry chicken wing. And that’s it!

04/09/23 4:27:20, edited: 04/09/23 4:59:58

Ken’s barbecue burgers were legendary until someone uploaded this pic on Facebook. Ken has since moved to The Outer Hebrides and works as a cook at the local community centre for the blind.

31/08/23 21:06:35, edited: 02/09/23 5:34:42

“My nan made it for me.”

15/08/23 11:31:45

“Can you explain the bodywork damage?”

“They kissed passionately. She got her fringe entangled with his eyebrow, he breathed in her perfume….Her husband had followed them, witnessed the embrace, then shot her lover in the head.”

“For God’s sake Chantelle, you make me wonder why I ever employed a woman at my garage.”

20/07/23 16:39:55, edited: 20/07/23 16:41:36

“Oh my God, Sylvia has shagged Fred Astaire!”

14/07/23 13:50:04

This is the only way my husband can achieve orgasm.

12/07/23 15:20:04

“What happened?”
“Ice cream.”
“I bet you did.”

02/07/23 16:17:57

“What colour panties are you wearing?”

28/06/23 11:29:24

Poo sticks is a very competitive game in rural Oxfordshire.

28/06/23 9:17:45

“I WILL get this f*cking cork out..”

16/06/23 11:17:27

“Ohhh look at them all Johnny, aren’t they so cute?” Said Nelly after rinsing her knickers out in the water font.

08/06/23 7:32:02

Radiatorhead live at Glastonbury

01/06/23 7:05:10

So that’s what that sacked Starbucks transgender nutter is doing now.

19/05/23 7:18:55

“Hurry up Sam. I accidentally just thought of the missus and it’s starting to wilt.”

15/05/23 7:03:18, edited: 15/05/23 7:23:24

“I take it you didn’t get the Covent Garden Statue Job then.”

09/05/23 23:37:09

Cliff’s amazing magic fingers don’t just expertly caress the guitar every day, they also expertly caress his wife every night like nobody else ever could. This is especially amazing as she sleeps in the next room.

28/04/23 8:24:49, edited: 28/04/23 8:55:14

What happened next? Well, the balloon popped and the cat hilariously shot up in the air and landed at the bottom of the stairs. Its owner missed the whole thing due to being dead for 2 days.

22/04/23 19:00:39, edited: 22/04/23 19:05:35

“Gee thanks Santa!” said Bonehead. (Although affectionately known as Dorktard by his aunt Bernard.)
“So I just have to plant this in the field, water it everyday, and it will grow to be a real tractor?”
“It sure will Bonehead” answered Willie Johnson, the store’s latest Santa from the agency.

18/04/23 16:49:51, edited: 18/04/23 16:51:06

I like your pillow cage

14/02/23 20:05:36

The Milk Tray Man is getting on a bit now.

08/02/23 8:03:22

“Where do they come from Professor?”
“I don’t know, they just Slytherin.”

17/01/23 8:23:15

“Tonight On-It’s A Mad World - Scandal in Chipping Norton. When May Day celebrations turned into a drink, drugs and sex fuelled frenzy. We ask how did this happen, and can we join in next year.”

16/01/23 20:09:18

Malcolm’s nan promised to knit him a jumper depicting every landmark he was going to visit, so long as it wasn’t Mount Rushmore.

15/01/23 10:20:07

“So where exactly do think you think you lost this bracelet we’re supposed to be looking for?”

07/01/23 20:12:15, edited: 09/01/23 22:06:08

“Come on in Terry and take your coats off, else you won’t feel the benefit when you go back out.”

30/12/22 12:06:18

“Thank you, I knitted it myself.”

28/12/22 13:06:49

Doggy paddle

27/12/22 16:00:28

Consumers Warned Not To Drink More Than One Of The Latest Energy Drinks That Went On Sale Yesterday.

27/12/22 2:40:53, edited: 27/12/22 2:42:11

“What is that monotonous tune you’re playing?”

“Chop.”

12/12/22 20:39:35, edited: 12/12/22 20:40:25

“Don’t let that bother you, we can get in round the back.”

07/12/22 20:01:37

At last, Tim was now a Mason.

06/12/22 10:46:02

“Bloody hell Malcom! How big IS your rabbit you keep going on about?”

29/11/22 12:02:20, edited: 29/11/22 12:02:45

“The tension is well and truly mounting now folks, as we are now down to the final two contestants in this year’s talent contest. It’s all very exciting.…………The results are in!…………….And the winner is………….BONZO BALLOON BOY!..……..Oh no…NO! DON’T HUG HIM SPIKE! …. Too late….”

27/11/22 3:56:04, edited: 27/11/22 4:00:35

“I like my burgers well dunny.”

25/11/22 8:04:07

“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been rescued.”

22/11/22 8:07:58

Robert had lost an incredible amount of weight.

18/11/22 20:14:32

It was a right bastard getting it to fit in the baking tray I can tell ya.”

12/11/22 11:25:23

Keith didn’t bother with the pyjamas. He was waiting in anticipation for a chance to nip down to the shed to try out the present from his wife. The latest *Multi-Voltage* *Grip ‘n’ Singe* *Optional 360 Turbo Twist* Nipple Clamps3000S *Generator Included!*

03/11/22 20:45:08

Never take anyone with a metal plate in their head to a magnet factory.

12/10/22 11:01:14

Table reserved for Don cannelloni.

11/10/22 8:50:47

The bride squeezed her groom’s undercarriage very tightly until the vows were over.

04/10/22 19:04:45

After the gang had disbanded, Shaggy and Scooby revamped the Mystery Machine and were last seen at a Hippy Fest in Somerset.

18/09/22 7:34:14

Jessica loved finding different ways to give her OCD suffering au pair a nervous breakdown.

22/08/22 21:45:26

“Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“I wish you’d stop commenting on my balls Dave.”

29/07/22 7:42:24

Beware of predators if you enter the Dark Web.

22/06/22 20:05:11

I bloody hate going to the loo in Tracy Emmin’s house.

20/06/22 23:47:31

Young Kobi’s behaviour changed drastically after seeing that Matt Hancock video.

16/06/22 16:46:42

The Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower, a Barbados beach….to name just a few of the most romantic places to propose marriage. Unless your dad was Buster Keaton….

01/05/22 21:56:22

“Cheers doll.”

07/02/22 8:05:07

Meet Llana…..A rare seductive “Push Me - Pull Me”.

29/01/22 20:29:00

When the steward announced there would be no in-flight movie, he wished he hadn’t. “Who needs both eyes anyway?” he chortled to himself in the ambulance.

21/12/21 22:57:34

She’s from Brussels.

12/12/21 8:12:20

I’m all for Covent Garden street acts, and watching this bloke smoking a cigarette from his eye lids was amazing. As a finale, he pulled his pants down, bent over, and out came a large fancy Cuban cigar. It was only when I rushed over to light it that……… let’s just leave it there shall we…..Let’s just leave it there.

11/12/21 23:51:28

That look when you realise you’re a victim of revenge porn.

10/12/21 15:02:36

“Excuse me, I’m thirsty.”
“Then get off your horse and buy some milk.”

08/12/21 20:25:29

“Leave me out this.” Shouted Jesus from above.

08/12/21 8:09:42

When you frantically rummage around in your wardrobe searching for your contraceptive pills.

07/12/21 20:41:30

Those Japanese torture dogs show no mercy.

18/11/21 8:08:21

Angler Of The Year 2018

06/11/21 22:08:07

“Er..yes, I’ll take that thank you. Can you put it in a bag please?”

05/11/21 8:08:07

The whole class said they enjoyed the lecture, but one of them was lion.

04/11/21 20:19:20

Mike wished it was him snogging. He’d fancied Dave for months.

03/11/21 12:02:07

I had to take Cracklin’ Rosie to obedience classes because she wouldn’t keep still. But she’s cured now.

27/10/21 20:44:07

“Can’t we just get the bus? That’s the 7th f*cking taxi that’s ignored us.”

26/10/21 21:12:43

“Oi! Who gave me this? It’s full of cigarette butts!..Bastard…bastard.. who’s a f*cking pretty bastard…”

15/10/21 21:39:38

“Here’s a couple of dollars mate, just buy yourself a beer and quit the crap.”

11/10/21 20:23:39

“I demand to know who put boot polish on the binoculars?!”

07/10/21 9:29:26

“It’s starting to look black over Bill’s mothers.”
“F*cking hell. Is that Bill’s mother?”

06/10/21 12:03:29

“But officer, I’m going to a fancy dress party as Shrek and my mate lent me his donkey.”
“Yeah, yeah.. and last week you went as Little Beau Peep with your uncle’s sheep. We’ve seen the video. You’re nicked mate.”

08/09/21 20:11:39

Peahen: “Quit all that crap and just show us your dick.”

(Mick Miller)

06/09/21 7:25:22

Annie Hopkins was the toast of the asylum after winning the ‘Shove A Light Bulb Up Your Nose’ challenge everyday for 5 consecutive years.

02/09/21 11:17:06

Melvin’s third eyebrow had popped down for a drink.

28/08/21 7:03:00

Well she is a cougar so what do you expect?

06/08/21 20:48:48