lol clever x2

The Dali Llama..

07/09/20 7:06:41

lol clever

"It was quite a comfortable ride. Once I got used to sitting on my nan's face."

03/08/18 7:13:01

lol creative clever

Gary was confident of his chances in this years novelty hat competition.

07/03/18 8:33:00

lol creative

"Has Nan gone out with that big glass ashtray in her mouth again?"

26/08/18 19:57:14

lol x2

" I told you before we got on the plane, to just give him the fuckin bread."

05/08/18 8:40:54

lol

"There's a sign outside 'Free fruit for children'.
Well here's the child, I'll have some apples and bananas."

03/03/21 12:15:50

lol creative

"Must definitely go to Specsavers tomorrow." Joanne said to herself. As she wondered why the train was taking so long to leave the station.

31/08/19 7:14:50

"Your wife asked me to bring the baby in to see you.
And she wanted to know, how your ingrowing toenail was doing?"

18/05/21 7:04:39

lol

The cast of Jason And The Argonauts, wait in trepidation as the Oscar for 'The Best Skeleton In An Action Movie' is revealed.

18/10/20 11:56:41

"How did we end up here! I told you not to take the last rite."

11/10/19 7:05:18

creative x2 clever x2

You know it's a heatwave when the diving board melts.

22/11/18 13:25:11

creative

Play was stopped today, when a fully clothed man ran on the pitch of the Bikini Soccer finals.

06/01/21 8:02:55

creative

🎵 You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel 🎵

12/06/20 7:01:02

lol creative x3 clever

Don't hire Paul Vause photography. He's good at what he does, but he specialises in football photos, and he insists on dressing people up in footie kits and creating little scenarios.This photo is from my son's wedding day. That's my lad with the priest.

29/04/19 11:32:14

lol

"All you can hear is the endless chatter of high pitch gibberish, squeals and howls."

"Ok ..OK ..Give me a chance . Am trying to get rid of Radio One."

22/04/19 19:47:03

creative

"Mum, have you been putting my steroid powder down to kill the ants again?"

30/04/21 7:07:53

Caught by the old bill.

29/11/19 12:05:10

For the first time in a generation, the people of Newcastle catch a glimpse of the sun.

12/04/19 7:03:13

creative

"And the winner of this years fancy dress is- The woman in the front dressed as an albino box jellyfish. Fantastic."

07/03/19 8:08:53

"Three times, I've tried to hit that bastard sign with my javelins."

09/10/19 19:46:55

clever

"To have and to hold."

21/06/19 7:00:34

clever

"DON'T SHOOT!!!"

16/04/18 19:01:36

On her new single, Icelandic popstar, Bjork, duets with a camel.
"It was really tough, getting my voice to blend in with the tuneless, guttural grunting. But am really pleased with the result." Said the camel.

04/05/21 7:01:17

clever

One airline goes all the way.

26/04/21 7:03:42

"You tell him he was adopted."

06/02/21 20:09:49

clever

After finding another body, police believe they are now looking for a cereal killer.

09/09/20 19:01:25

And she would have got away, if she hadn't picked the trolley with the wonky wheel.

23/04/20 7:40:43

"Yes, am single."

16/02/20 8:13:02

Smugglers are becoming more brazen with their people trafficking.

09/02/20 8:59:20

lol

I took some home and said to the wife 'let's try something adventurous tonight, babe' and pulled out the vaseline.

"And what the fuck do ya think you're going to do with that?" She said.

"Calm down, am just going to put it on the door knob, to stop the kids getting in."

27/01/20 21:56:38

Trading standards has warned a lot of these cans will be fake.

21/09/19 7:05:45

lol

"Well sir after struggling for years, I've finally decided that I need an eye test."

"You're not wrong there madam, this is the butchers."

14/05/19 19:56:24

"I'd like to see him polish that off."

31/12/18 20:02:34

"I'll have a 6 inch sub please and just put it on my bill."

04/09/18 11:09:14

lol

In the airport duty free , Sandra was getting nervous. But she was still hopeful of smuggling her pet gibbon through customs.

12/05/18 11:07:11

Blind paralympian swimmer finishes last, after losing grip of his guide dog mid race.

09/06/21 19:03:32

"So officer, at first he started showing me these films, then he asked me to dress up as a horse, and started showing me unwanted attention. "

"So when did you realise you were being groomed?"

27/04/21 7:10:19

That was the night she got pregnant.
9 months later she had a little nipper.

13/04/21 19:39:29

clever

Thomas would never live this school prom photo down. The other kids taunted him for months. It got so bad he decided to quit his job as headmaster, and vowed never to wear that dress again.

22/10/20 8:13:48

"Well the good news is, they're expected to bring social distancing down to one metre. So you'll be able to ride inside soon."

15/06/20 11:22:21

Waiter! There's a heir in my loaf.

17/05/20 19:53:21

"Well I think you've got a cheek asking about my personal hygiene, when you've just pissed in the street."

15/05/20 7:03:48

"I think I now know where mum buried my ecstasy tablets."

03/05/20 11:14:16

"Actually Dave, it's nothing to do do with the coronavirus. We've been meaning to have a word with you, about your bad breath."

16/04/20 7:14:32

He's a decent musician, but he did hit a few bum notes.

19/03/20 8:01:12

🎵"Saviour Kisses For Me"🎵

03/03/20 20:42:43

One bed apartment. Phone included. Situated in city centre.
£2000 P.C.M...Islington . London.

16/02/20 8:31:06

lol

"Well besides having a main part in Dancing With Wolves , you also might have seen me in the U2 video for One and also I had a walk on part in.."

"Jeezus Harry! Why did you have to say 'your face looks familiar'."

25/03/19 12:31:52

"Poor father, he always had too much on his plate."

08/03/19 8:01:17

"Sorry I can't come to work, I fell asleep in the pigeon shed again."

06/03/19 20:19:30

" Am sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I honestly thought they were the light switches."

21/01/19 20:14:28

She looks a bit Krankie.

03/01/19 8:00:26

I bet he's his Mother's pride .

29/07/18 8:34:51

In vain, I tried to chat up the Owl Woman on the bus. Thinking about it, I was a twit to woo her.

14/09/21 7:08:41

"Why did you get red? I said I wanted a baloo one."

20/05/21 7:03:09

"I wouldn't mind a pair like that."

"Oh come off it Ermintrude! You'd look ridiculous in flip flops."

27/02/21 8:38:45

"For fucks sake Tiger! Just take a drop shot."

11/02/21 8:09:29

lol

Things were going great at the Jason And The Argonauts reuninon party.

22/07/20 7:03:16

the annual dance for The Elevator Accident Survivors Club.

19/05/20 13:51:17

Children have been instructed to make sure their parents practice social distancing..

20/03/20 8:24:52

A local man has been arrested after he was caught trying to put his cock in the machine.

20/08/19 7:05:16

lol

As she got on the bus, the bus driver said "Jeezus that's one ugly looking baby."
Sitting down, crying, a fellow passenger asked what was up.
"The bus driver has just said something really nasty to me."
"Well don't you take that, get back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on , I'll hold your monkey."

14/08/19 7:06:44

"Have you seen my new screensaver- It's the dog's bollocks."

19/05/19 7:00:21

Jack the giant killer.

13/04/19 7:00:15

One way tweet.

16/01/19 8:02:24

She deserves a snooze, she's been hard hat it all day.

14/12/18 20:01:01

"Waiter waiter! There's some fin in my coffee."

18/11/18 8:02:46

Here's Larry doing his Van Gogh. He's a really good impressionist you know.

14/11/18 12:24:28

"I agree. We're all here to flex our mussels."

10/11/18 20:19:11

"We're taking him for a day out to the London Eye. He loves it ...runs on it for hours."

02/09/18 11:56:15

I think she looks first class

16/12/20 8:08:50

They were later cautioned in the local park, for ignoring the sign 'Keep Off The Grass'.

01/09/20 7:32:25

For sale: Bike that once belonged to Amy Winehouse..Excellent condition..Comes with her old helmet..All offers considered.

03/08/20 7:41:30

I think Wimbledon's covid precautions have gone a bit too far.

24/07/20 11:40:31

The donkey signed up because he thought he was fighting for the U.S of Hay.

11/05/20 8:27:29

"Have you looked what's on the other side?"

"Ye...It's just a lead for the plug and some serial numbers."

21/02/20 12:10:27

clever

"What other veg are you serving besides sprouts?"

"Chard."

19/02/20 20:24:29

Stray Watch.

29/01/20 8:13:36

"So mary, you're going as the car from Back To The Future, and what are you going as Billy?"

"A specialist council asbestos removal man."

"Very good Billy, very good."

02/12/19 8:49:13

lol

"Come on Casper! If you want to lose the friendly ghost tag, stop greeting people with your jazz hands."

25/10/19 7:16:00

"I'll tell you what, the Pirelli calendar has gone down hill this year."

17/10/19 19:16:48

"Well this is the boring part of being an undercover copper. But don't worry our target will be here soon. Remember-Black man wearing shorts, hoodie and a cap. Carrying a white paper bag, full of cocaine.
He ain't getting passed us, officer Jenkins."

15/10/19 7:39:06

clever

Never Mind The Bollocks..Here's the Sex Pistils.

14/10/19 19:10:00

"Am gonna show that Mohammad with his Allah cart."

07/10/19 19:46:50

"Well kids , our first trip to Knowsley safari park. I hope you all remember your dad's famous words. 'There's no way we're going through that baboon enclosure, to let them little bastards ruin my new car. We'll take this short cut through the elephant field'.."

26/09/19 7:54:19

I wouldn't have rode over that graffiti if I knew it was going to punctuate my tyre.

04/07/19 7:01:04

When I was a young Zoig on the planet Kazza. One of my earliest memories, was going on holiday to the seaside resort of Blackspaggio, and riding the humaniods up and down the beach.

13/06/19 7:14:42

Close Encounters Of The Furred Kind.

12/06/19 7:06:29

In a galaxy far far away - It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet...And here am I, tending my friggin' carrots.

23/03/19 8:20:25

creative

"So I took my pet parking meter for a walk the other day, and I really fancied a drink. Well, obviously they won't let parking meters in the pub, so I tied him to this poodle while I sneaked in for a cheeky pint..The end."

04/03/19 8:26:04

"A new art exibition has opened by Yolko Ono."

28/01/19 13:35:05

Police line up the suspects of last nights flour mill break in.

17/01/19 9:02:21

"Am sorry Bernard you are gonna have to get in. I've dropped the soap."

19/11/18 12:11:44

"When I find that girl who sold me the slimfast am gonna sewer."

16/08/18 11:05:54

"Driver! Get me to the airport, and make it snappy."

25/07/18 19:14:49

She looks like a raven lunatic.

01/07/18 7:06:16

The police have kept their promise to hide the identity of the local grass.

13/05/18 11:18:26

The Tin Commandments.

03/05/18 21:10:07

Rovers Return

02/06/21 19:14:22