best earliest latest latest and best captions

Watching black and white footage of Bob Dylan is so much more fun when you're on acid.

05/12/20 12:09:12

"Morning Ted, your usual?"

"Aye, same sh*t different day"

27/11/20 12:51:17

lol

"ROAR"

*Translated*

"Oh f*ck"

26/11/20 12:16:59

"I'm sorry love, I was drunk"

"DRUNK? F*CKING DRUNK? IT WAS A PIGEON YOU DIRTY B*STARD. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LIKE. YOU'RE ON THE SOFA TONIGHT. MY MUM WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU"

18/11/20 20:20:20

Congratulations. By switching to a smart meter, you've managed to save £0.32p this quarter on your energy bill.

12/11/20 12:38:31

creative

"This is only available in Superdrug. You can buy the lady version 'I love my Puss', in Boots."

05/11/20 12:05:21

Felt tipsy

11/10/20 11:17:05

lol

Breaking News. Boris Johnson is on route to Brussels for the latest NATO summit. Priti Patel will be joining the Prime Minister but is understood to be flying separately.

01/10/20 19:00:25

When you're on a Zoom call and realise that you've just caught your mate Dave masturbating...

24/09/20 11:25:18

lol

"...and the eleventh commandment stated, 'Thou shalt not defecate on the son of God'. Now, it might not have made the final cut, but you should remember it anyway you horrible relentless sh*tting machine"

14/09/20 11:28:46

Chick in salad

12/09/20 19:00:06

"...and then we woke up in Germany, in a ditch, covered in sick, crapped ourselves and we still kept singing"

"Very good, Ma'am"

31/07/20 11:55:16

"That greedy dalmatian is back again, begging for the leftovers. That costume nearly tricked me until I noticed he hadn't pulled one of his sleeves down"

30/07/20 19:15:59

Nana split

10/05/20 11:06:47

lol

Is it how many women Russell Brand shags on an average UK tour?

19/04/20 19:00:41

"Darling, if the cupboards are full, stop f*cking buying them"

30/03/20 8:00:45

"Now is as good as time as any I suppose...Kate, you were adopted.."

06/03/20 12:38:30

"Kate, will you stop staring at the bulge and just face forward..."

02/03/20 20:00:09

"Excuse me madam, do you have the time on you?"

26/01/20 14:17:33

"Yeah, you can have it for free, no sweat"

05/12/19 12:06:56

lol

"It took all day for my wife's thumb to work its way through Felix's digestive system. I've told her time and time again, BE CAREFUL WHEN OPENING THE CAT FOOD, THE TINS ARE BLOODY SHARP"

13/10/19 11:13:42

Oh great, another rubbish photo

12/10/19 11:00:06

"and then I said to the hairdresser, 'I'd like a number two please'. Anyway, she didn't realise I meant the toilet and shaved my hair off, and I sh*t my pants"¦Yeah, I've had better days"

18/09/19 11:14:54

Embarrassing Biddies

13/09/19 11:00:13

lol

"Thanks for pushing them back in Carl. It's a bloody nightmare playing football with Haemorrhoids"

04/09/19 19:00:51

Probably the only man in history to have seen more tits than David Attenborough

15/08/19 19:00:31

Army surplus

14/08/19 11:17:56

The Return of the Living Dead

17/07/19 9:25:59

Toys "R" U.S

15/07/19 11:00:10

creative

Sister Sledge

28/05/19 19:00:04

"I can't believe that you've allowed that bitch to come between us on our wedding day"

01/05/19 11:00:17

"Listen, I've had just about enough of your back chat"

23/04/19 7:00:09

Funky Pigeon.com

29/03/19 12:00:08

That must have been one hell of a sh*g

12/02/19 12:15:12

The Knitivity

16/01/19 12:27:38

liquor store

27/12/18 12:00:12

"I can't believe we've been at this party for 2 hours and we haven't pulled."

06/12/23 12:15:33

"No, I don't want a free carwash."

29/11/23 12:37:33

"Best £200 we've ever spent. Get upstairs."

22/11/23 20:06:10, edited: 22/11/23 20:45:56, suggested edits

Fruit of the loons.

13/11/23 20:01:06

"Hmmm. The jury is out on this cereal."

30/10/23 20:03:42

"The lift is broken."

"Ok, I'll get onto maintenance and tell them to grab their tools."

29/10/23 12:08:05

"Dr Dolittle, I'm enjoying having sex with you but can we close the curtains?"

25/10/23 19:04:40

"Is the gold tie too much?"

24/10/23 19:08:47

"Dave, I think your colostomy bag is full."

08/10/23 11:14:31

Killogg's

07/10/23 13:39:28

Sherlock looked baffled. What does it mean? Are the clues highlighted? I,I,T,E,I,O,N....

"I tie ion? But how can I tie an atom or molecule with a net electric charge due to the loss or gain of one or more electrons? F*ck it, I can't be arsed with this job anymore. Watson, she's all yours."

02/10/23 7:11:21

"YOU BASTARDS!"...Shouted the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

01/10/23 19:02:12

"There's no way I'm eating that, far too much sugar. Pass the toilet brush, I'm gonna make scrambled eggs."

26/09/23 19:12:22

How many more hints do I have to drop before my wife realises I want us to be at it like rabbits?

23/09/23 7:00:27, edited: 23/09/23 7:05:11

"HOLD IT"

Roger loved ants so much that he volunteered twice a day as a lollipop man.

20/09/23 19:15:41

Dave was determined to not get dog shit on his new trainers.

20/09/23 19:01:41

"DAD, GET BACK ON THE BEACH NOW. WE'RE ABOUT TO SCATTER MUM'S ASHES."

12/09/23 19:17:04

UK. August 2025. Dave had finally saved up enough to buy a loaf of bread.

10/09/23 7:02:31

"Come on, run you fat bastard. Do you wanna be obese all of your life?"

"Dave, when I asked you to roast some potatoes..."

08/05/23 11:10:58, edited: 08/05/23 11:11:39

"I don't f*cking believe it. Mittens, come and have a look at this. Asda just turned up and are offloading the groceries. They've only ordered Asda own brand cat food instead of Whiskas. I know there's a cost of living crisis but they still bought Heinz beans. Nope, not an Asda baked bean in sight. Right, come on, let's go shit on their pillows."

04/05/23 11:51:08, edited: 04/05/23 11:55:00

"Now is as good a time as any. Dave, we've been shagging your wife."

10/02/23 20:17:44

"Well, that's another successful day begging outside of the divorce application office."

02/02/23 8:31:55

How you do feel about me writing captions 3 times a day for the rest of our lives?

21/12/22 20:04:40

clever

Unfortunately, Rex didn't spot the head of a giant Crocodile lurking in the distance.

13/12/22 8:00:20, edited: 13/12/22 8:24:33

My piano might only have 5 keys, but I can still play every song ever made by Status Quo, AND...some of the keys don't work.

12/12/22 20:00:16

lol

Gary and Keith were starting to wonder whether the initiation involved for joining the Richmond Amateur Vintage Lawnmower Society was worth the free mug.

28/11/22 8:20:03

"So, you two are going to talk in my lesson, are you? ARE YOU? Try talking now that I have my feet in your mouths."

21/11/22 12:05:08

Do you ever get the feeling that your hairdresser didn't want to hear about your day?

20/11/22 20:00:13

"Do you have anything on display that is long and thick?"

"Yes guys, this one..."

"OH MY GOODNESS! Are you sure this is the Socks Museum?"

13/01/22 12:39:43

*BEEP BEEP*

“GET OUTA THE WAY YA FECKING WEE NANCY JOBBY HEADS YEE”

Rivalry between Pepsi and Coke was fierce, but neither driver was prepared to get in the way of the approaching red-haired maniac driving the IRN BRU lorry.

12/01/22 20:00:56

🎵 Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore 🎵

11/01/22 12:00:07

"So, anti vaxxer, where are you getting your information from?..."

02/01/22 20:18:41

The awful moment when you find a half naked zombie woman in your shower but then realise you've got no condoms.

22/12/21 20:08:20

They had careers spanning decades and were well known for being Hollywood's hard men. But neither of them were prepared for their latest film with Alec Baldwin.

18/12/21 12:00:27

"Sorry kids but Alton Towers is bloody expensive."

16/12/21 12:03:01

They are likely to be responsible for at least 11% of CO2 emissions on Earth. Please everyone, stop giving sprouts to old people.

30/11/21 8:59:46

"Thanks for my daughter's birthday card, Mr Postman. It's a shame you couldn't have given it to her directly but she's always upstairs having a shower at this time of day."

11/11/21 12:10:30

lol

"Girls, I know we all thought it would be a great experience to go on a bus with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. But that's the fourth time they've driven past the nail bar and it closes in five minutes."

13/10/21 11:37:46

Babe in arms.

05/07/21 7:00:07

"I'm sorry love. I thought proposing here would be romantic"

30/06/21 19:00:18

"Do you actually love me or am I single use plastic to you?"

27/06/21 19:06:57

""¦and that's how you put together an Ikea chest of drawers".

22/06/21 11:00:07

creative

Ebay. Boat for sale. £10,000.

"F-cking hell Dave. Couldn't you have taken a better picture?"

20/06/21 11:07:47

Grand National Theft Auto

19/04/21 11:14:40

"Excuse me love. I think you're a bit confused. It's June, you've just walked into our house and we don't know you"

"Oh I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say"

"DAVE...Stop being horrible to your Nan"

08/04/21 19:29:54

clever

Breaking News. A man has urinated on police officers during a demonstration. In a separate incident, a woman was also found urinating but was quickly dealt with by the Squat Team

09/03/21 8:35:12

They were happy for a while but she soon became his Ex Box.

07/02/21 12:03:26

White water draughting

30/01/21 8:00:14

The Chippendaves

19/01/21 8:54:03

Vin Diesel

11/01/21 12:22:47

Charredonnay

11/01/21 12:00:06

"Ok, who thinks Yoko is a bunny boiling bitch?"

21/11/20 20:10:13

"Hello students and welcome to your virtual sex education class on Zoom. To the left of me is Katie, my assistant for this presentation. Now, the first thing I'd like to point out is my penis which is currently in sleepy mode. This would look very different if Katie had bigger tits as displayed in the top left of your screen. These tits have strips of tape on them which some people like. Below them is the sphincter which has been enlarged and clearly shows it in 'undisturbed mode'. A smaller version of this is underneath with an arrow pointing to a pricking device which ultimately leads to different sphincter sizes ranging from small to that of an Essex girl which is displayed on the far bottom left."

17/10/20 19:41:28

creative

"Ok, this is a schematic of the Kitchen. Now, if my memory serves me correctly, the Haribo were placed in this top cupboard when the shopping was delivered on Friday. We've only got one chance at this so I need utter bravery and determination. Grab the chair and I'll turn the TV up so they can't hear. Let's get this done whilst they're upstairs 'having a cuddle'! Honestly, they really do think we're idiots"

12/10/20 11:14:42

Breaking News. Gulliver is arrested on a-salt charge.

03/10/20 19:00:10

lol

"And what the ploody hell are those cheeky pastards gonna do apout it? They can biss off"

02/10/20 11:00:48

lol

I remember my Nan's last words. "F*ck me, a Mondeo..."

14/09/20 7:18:24

"What's on the box tonight darling?"

"I'm not sure. I think it's a picture of your brother"

07/09/20 11:13:39

"F*ck knows what I've bought. I should've really taken the label off"

25/08/20 11:09:07

creative

"Ok, here's the plan. We'll send two female undercover operatives into the Army Base and task them with performing distraction tactics, let's say for example, arm wrestling. Then, once the US marines are no longer watching their posts, we'll break in, steal their military assets and launch our attack, clear?"

"Sounds good in theory Captain but surely they aren't stupid enough to fall for that?..."

20/08/20 11:32:20

"Good morning boss. I'm just calling to say I can't come into work today. I've been in bed all weekend with these bloody pesky Covid symptoms"

"Dave, here's the thing. I'm just looking at your Facebook..."

19/08/20 8:52:50

"Oh no, I've got an itchy nose..."

22/07/20 11:00:09

You can't beat having a barbie in this weather, but it's annoying when you get bits stuck in your teeth.

25/04/20 7:06:20

"BE QUIET KIDS, DADDY IS TRYING TO WORK...Hello, welcome to Childline, how can I help?"

31/03/20 11:26:48